Love trusts even through the fog of uncertain dreams

by Craig on December 23, 2010

Lord, have I done the right thing?  Was it from you, that dream? The angel said to name the baby Jesus – and then told me they will call him Emmanuel. If it was really a vision, granted by you, wouldn’t it have been more clear, less … contradictory?

Sometimes, I wonder if it would have been the better thing, to have sent her away, quietly. Look at her, sleeping, peacefully. But then she’s just as peaceful awake as she is asleep. And that peace, how can she be so?

Maybe it’s because I’m here to protect her. But who’s here to protect me? Lord, I’m the one taking the chances – am I the only one who can see that?

I know.

I’m sorry.

You are my refuge and strength,

my very present help in trouble.

But I can’t be sure of any of this. Each step I take could be the wrong one. What if I’ve already made the critical mistake that can’t be fixed Lord? I can’t undo what’s been done. And you have left so much for me to decide.

There are rumors afoot. A baby could be in danger here. And yet here your bring us. Why? Why do I get no answers? Why must I decide these things all alone?

I think I know what to do, but I make mistakes. No matter how many times a board is measured the cut alters it all. How can I know what I’m doing is right? I’m worried that I’ll say the wrong thing, to the wrong people. That I may already have done so. I might do the wrong thing. How can I move at all, when all around me are snares and traps?

But I know that a man’s heart plans his way,

but you Lord,

you directs the steps.

So I take us from here to there, and from there to wherever you will. But I might be stronger, more certain, if you would just tell me more. Have you told her more?

Elizabeth told me of her words, how she’ll be called “blessed”. Will I be? I haven’t heard anything of the sort from you. Will you utterly forget me? How long will you hide your face from me?

I am unsure about everything, can’t you see that? I can’t share this with her, she believes so much, but I have to tell you. You say to trust in You at all times – this I will have to do, but what if I fail? Will you put all this back together if I destroy it at the start?

I know I am to proceed. I know I am to want your will. I know to have the child, raise the child the best I can, protect them both from the enemies that prowl. But I don’t know if I can do it.

But I will trust. I will do what I can. I will try, Lord. I will try to know in my heart that you are in control. But I doubt. Please help me to be the man you want me to be.

I will go. I have gone. I have followed. I will contnue, unsure,

maybe unable,

maybe to destruction,

maybe to shame,

maybe to failure,

maybe into the teeth of enemies that will slay me,

maybe to the enemies within

that slay me all the day.

I will go. I will trust. I will believe. What else can I do?

I have set my feet forward. There is no turning back now.

Please Lord, please, bring me to where you would have me be – protect, guide, even if I’m unworthy, even through my mistakes. You are my Lord, and my God, and the Lord our God is One.

And look at my Mary, still peacefully asleep.

Amen.

In God’s love.

Merry “moving on through the fog” Christmas, to you all.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Debbie December 23, 2010 at 1:42 am

Love trusts. Thank you! This one speaks to me right now. There are some things, that my flesh tells me I need to address, confront someone with. But that is one way of dealing with it, the way so many tell me that I should be more like. But it’s not the way He tells me to be like. As when Joseph should’ve put Mary away quietly . . .but didn’t. He just didn’t do it. Everyone would’ve understood even, but he didn’t do it. I’m not going to do “it” either. I’m not going to think the worst and that I have to say something because God obviously let these things slip by Him. He didn’t. I trust Him. God bless you and the gift He’s given you to give us in these posts!

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Marie December 23, 2010 at 3:41 pm

Craig, I just love the way you told the story of Mary & Joseph…with such beautiful words. I was first moved by the title of your post…”love trusts even through the fog of uncertain dreams”. May the Lord bless you and inspire you again treasures from above,
Marie.

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Craig December 23, 2010 at 5:55 pm

Deb, I know I keep saying thank you to you, and you back to me :) , but thank you.

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Susan December 24, 2010 at 9:57 am

Well,dear one, you did it again. And i’m not just visiting–i’m afraid you are now stuck with me! :D I have wondered so often how Joseph’s human fears&flaws affected his thinking. But all we really are told is that he was a good and faithful man, and therefore, accepting. He loved Mary&God enough to accept this awkward, publicly unforgiving situation. And yet he accepted it and did what a good&faithful man would do-trust&forgive. Yet how many good&faithful followers could be so accepting and trusting? Am I the only one who doubts trusting in some situations? Am I the only one who finds some situations beyond my capacity to forgive, to where I simply say I am “turning it over to a Higher Court”? Those situations where I absolutely do battle with my inability to forgive&find myself also _judging_, the one thing for which I *cannot* forgive myself? Oh yep,you did it again. What’s left of my stressed-out brain will be dancing around this one all day (or longer,been thinking since last night,yeesh!). Wishes4Blessings&Joy2All! -s- PS–off topic but did anyone catch Nightline 122310(last night)re: the recently translated “Revelations of the Magi”? Ohhhh,my–my theory supported after 35yrs (since a year’s studies of world religions at a UCC college). Am THRILLED. -s- (again,who cant shaddup)

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Craig December 25, 2010 at 10:00 pm

I am delighted to be stuck with you Susan. Your thoughtful reading of my words, that you read and pondered and took the time to ell me what you think. This humbles and blesses me. I missed the special (no t.v.). Sounds great though. You’ll have to share with me your theory that was confirmed – off topic comments, written with love, are always welcome.

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Anonymuss December 25, 2010 at 9:47 pm

To see this as you have shared it through Joseph’s eyes is so refreshing! The humility and trust/struggle-yet-faith is very encouraging and honest! I am rereading this now, again.

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Craig December 25, 2010 at 9:56 pm

A. Your words here so often are a blessing to me. I keep saying this I know, but thank you. You are a blessing.

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