Lord, have I done the right thing? Was it from you, that dream? The angel said to name the baby Jesus – and then told me they will call him Emmanuel. If it was really a vision, granted by you, wouldn’t it have been more clear, less … contradictory?
Sometimes, I wonder if it would have been the better thing, to have sent her away, quietly. Look at her, sleeping, peacefully. But then she’s just as peaceful awake as she is asleep. And that peace, how can she be so?
Maybe it’s because I’m here to protect her. But who’s here to protect me? Lord, I’m the one taking the chances – am I the only one who can see that?
You are my refuge and strength,
my very present help in trouble.
But I can’t be sure of any of this. Each step I take could be the wrong one. What if I’ve already made the critical mistake that can’t be fixed Lord? I can’t undo what’s been done. And you have left so much for me to decide.
There are rumors afoot. A baby could be in danger here. And yet here your bring us. Why? Why do I get no answers? Why must I decide these things all alone?
I think I know what to do, but I make mistakes. No matter how many times a board is measured the cut alters it all. How can I know what I’m doing is right? I’m worried that I’ll say the wrong thing, to the wrong people. That I may already have done so. I might do the wrong thing. How can I move at all, when all around me are snares and traps?
But I know that a man’s heart plans his way,
but you Lord,
you directs the steps.
So I take us from here to there, and from there to wherever you will. But I might be stronger, more certain, if you would just tell me more. Have you told her more?
Elizabeth told me of her words, how she’ll be called “blessed”. Will I be? I haven’t heard anything of the sort from you. Will you utterly forget me? How long will you hide your face from me?
I am unsure about everything, can’t you see that? I can’t share this with her, she believes so much, but I have to tell you. You say to trust in You at all times – this I will have to do, but what if I fail? Will you put all this back together if I destroy it at the start?
I know I am to proceed. I know I am to want your will. I know to have the child, raise the child the best I can, protect them both from the enemies that prowl. But I don’t know if I can do it.
But I will trust. I will do what I can. I will try, Lord. I will try to know in my heart that you are in control. But I doubt. Please help me to be the man you want me to be.
I will go. I have gone. I have followed. I will contnue, unsure,
maybe to destruction,
maybe to shame,
maybe to failure,
maybe into the teeth of enemies that will slay me,
maybe to the enemies within
that slay me all the day.
I will go. I will trust. I will believe. What else can I do?
I have set my feet forward. There is no turning back now.
Please Lord, please, bring me to where you would have me be – protect, guide, even if I’m unworthy, even through my mistakes. You are my Lord, and my God, and the Lord our God is One.
And look at my Mary, still peacefully asleep.
In God’s love.
Merry “moving on through the fog” Christmas, to you all.