Love felt everything we feel

by Craig on April 13, 2011


Ann has asked us to “walk with Him” to Easter.
I never imagined I actually would.

This past week has yielded nearly no sleep. I haven’t slept normally for 15 years – but sometimes sleep just doesn’t even come at all. I wrote of this yesterday – when I was barely hanging on – and today is worse.

But it is magically fitting right in with “walking with Him” toward Easter.

I began writing this in the dark hours just past midnight and it’s now approaching dawn.

My mind is fuzzy, my thoughts…

evade my  grasp – and everything hurts – every pain is magnified.

And there is nothing I can do to make the sleep happen.

But it’s just a thorn. It’s just my thorn.

The days right now just bleed into each other. I’m either tired but I can’t sleep.  Or I fall unconscious into a sleep that leaves me more tired when I wake up.

This will pass soon – but I don’t know when.

But thorns are to teach, to change, to make us more like Our Lord…

and this one is doing something good right now…
strength through the weakness…

Today my mind is not enough to write anything of much worth. My body is just not up to the task either. My emotions are a slave to both of those and they are plunging.  It’s all connected – the mind, the body – the heart.

Still, there is something of value in this one nearly seamless day of sleeplessness.

I’m knowing things,

by feeling them,

and I feel,

limited.

And I’m knowing that those last days of the Passion, Our Lord must have felt limited.

I am feeling that I’m not enough. Did Our Lord feel “not enough”?

I feel bad because I can’t give you guys something uplifting or deep – because the spirit is willing but the flesh…

Did Our Lord feel a little the same?

But he was 33 and vital and strong. Right?

No. That was before this string of days which must have seemed like seamless day to him.

source

His mind was strong, but before the Cross he had endured so much loss of blood. To lose that much causes chemicals in the brain force hyperventilation – and trigger anxiety. Anxiety was a stranger to Our Lord – and now his body may have forced worry upon him at the time he needed most to be at peace.

In this severely sleep deprived state that I am in right now, I know of this. There is a heavy depression that I have to fight. I know it’s not real – but it feels real. Logic and thinking might bring it under control, but with no sleep, and in Our Lord’s case, no food, and beating, and blood loss – logic would have been hard to grasp and thinking would have been a mighty challenge. I feel this all now, myself, and I’m not marching to the Cross.

I know…
how hard I’m working right now,
to focus my thoughts.

It’s all fog and mist,
and his mist was deeper.

And I’m just struggling to line up words for a post – he had things of eternal impact to say.

And his body was betraying him too.

Was he maybe silent in the trials because he really didn’t have it in him to answer every question – so he saved what he had for the big ones – the ones that had to be answered with the perfect words that would echo through millennia?

And his physical strength, by the time of his walk to Calvary, what was left of that? My body is weak right now, it feels like rubber, it doesn’t respond the way I want – but I haven’t been beaten, lost all that blood. I’ve eaten and had water – and am not plunging toward death.

Tradition says he fell three times on the way to Calvary. It’s embarrassing not to be able to do what you have to do. I know of this. You don’t want to admit it. You want it kept secret, pretend everything is fine – and so you do. But you can only pull this off for short periods of time.

And when you let go of the pretense – it crashes down twice as hard – and there is embarrassment.

Did Our Lord, the most humble person who ever lived, feel…

embarrassed?

And all of this before the nails, while he was still able to breath. before pain racked his body uncontrollably – before more blood.

I am walking with him toward Easter, and right now I have a hint of what his footsteps were like.

This could all be just projecting my feelings onto him – or it may be this thorn of mine yielding insight.

All I know right now
is this is how I feel
and I feel it’s the way…

He felt.

In God’s love


{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Christina April 13, 2011 at 8:44 am

Wow, amazing, thanks for sharing your pain and struggles. May we all use our pain to know more of Christ and what he did for us.
Praying that you get some sleep:)

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Craig April 13, 2011 at 9:47 am

Just a thorn Christina – just a thorn in the side. Whats the use of having pain and trial if we can’t pillage something from it – right? Stupid pain and suffering!!! And it has given me some awesome insight – so at least it’s doing it’s job – the stupid thorn ƪ(◠‿◠)╯

God bless you Christina – and thank you!!

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Dawn April 13, 2011 at 9:09 am

Praying…
Dawn

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Craig April 13, 2011 at 9:44 am

Thank you Dawn. Seriously though. It’s just a thorn. Everybody’s got stuff. It will pass – and when it does – a tiny bit of sleep will feel amazing (◠‿◠) … and I’m learning stuff. God bless you Dawn. Laska the love kitty is packing boxes as we speak – he like peanuts (◠‿◠)

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A. April 13, 2011 at 10:27 am

A book I read last year-possibly Frank Viola, but I am not sure-made an interesting case for Paul’s thorn being a person (or persons…I can’t remember). Though in my case, right now, my thorn is persons and related circumstances, I think thorns can be physical things, too. Thorns can probably be circumstances as well. I don’t know. I know that when one has person(s) hounding away for days and days and days, one can begin to question one’s thinking, also. Thinking, logic, and truth become fuzzy due to emotional pain and oppressive opposition. It can become more difficult to hang onto or even accurately perceive truth. Perhaps, a bit like when people are captured by or otherwise become a part of a cult or strong group and begin to be exposed to relentless, pounding indoctrination and accusation…the pressure of thorns.

It looks like Jesus had physical and emotional pain at a minimum, and spiritual pain also. So much pain, and He endured it all for us. That’s all I know. Your takeaway on your sister post is so good for this-praying for the right response despite the pain of thorn.
Praying for God’s provision(s) for you as He knows best, then.

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Craig April 13, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Well I said this to Deb yesterday – I guess a persn could be a thorn – but I think thorns by their nature have something good through the bad – Paul had his to keep him humble (mine just by chance has that benefit) Thorns hurt but are allowed there for our good I think.

If the “thing” is producing no good – if there is not a lesson or are not lessons to learn through the “thing” – I think then maybe it’s not t thorn – it’s just BAD, oppressive, mean – and different – whatcha think?

And there is no way I should be functioning at all today – but I am a little – it’s not me – must be someone praying. (◠‿◠)
God bless you A.

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Cora April 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

Craig, you said you feel badly because you can’t give us something encouraging and deep. I beg to differ with you on that point. I came here — because on my sidebar it said you had posted. I didn’t come looking for you to “make my day” or pick me up or to set my theology straight. I came because I wanted to encourage YOU. I did not sleep well last night, but in no way did I come close to what you are experiencing. In those moments of sleeplessness, I thought of you and wondered what it would be like for me to go that long without sleep. I prayed for you, probably during the hours you were struggling to write your post. And, by golly, here you are. . . . and here I go away . . .encouraged and blessed. Fuzzy? Blurry? Maybe to you. But in the foggy midsts I saw the cross and I needed that today. To think that He felt all that we feel. . . that was a LOT of thorns! Thank you, and I’mstill praying for you!

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Craig April 13, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Thank you Cora – you are really to kind. But thank you. The words are only NOT fuzzy and blurry because I edited 4376 times – yay editing (◠‿◠)

It took a few minutes to write this – grrrrr – but prayers are working – I have strenght and focus I should in no way have – the source is NOT internal. Thank you – God bless you Cora. Oh – and I get to pray for you too today – that is a BIG bonus {smile}

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Lisa notes... April 13, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Craig,
Don’t think you’re not giving us “something uplifting or deep.” I struggle so much with insomnia that you are speaking right to me that even when we feel limited, we are still ministering to others. Walking with him toward Easter. Yes.

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Craig April 13, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Amen Lisa – today I’m writing for tomorrow – and I’m thinking how sad it must have made Our Lord to not be able to heal EVERYBODY – he was limited here even before the passion. There is a Good Friday – and then Resurrection Sunday – It’s been a blessed Lent. Thank you Lisa – and God bless you – and I’m smiling because I just prayed for you and insomnia and challenges and driving teenaged daughters etc. Happy. thank you .

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Vicki April 13, 2011 at 4:32 pm

yes, i agree this was encouraging ! you write really well whether you are feeling down or not…or so i think. hoping you rest, soon. and you are right, it will pass.

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Craig April 13, 2011 at 4:39 pm

You didn’t see the first draft – or the tenth – but thank you Vicky ✿. Your words are kind. God bless you and your open and hungry heart for God. And stay away from Johnny Depp.(◠‿◠)

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~ linda April 13, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Craig,
In dealing with several physical issues as well as caregiving my mother, I often wonder if God can use me as salt and light. He does and will as long as I remain open and obedient to Him. You are doing just that, whether blurry-eyed and exhausted, or chipper. God takes us where we are and gives us His wonderful words. Thorns are truly meant to change and grow us. Thank you, Craig, for encouraging through your struggles, for being willing to be used by the One Who saved you and me.

Caring and praying through Christ, ~ linda

PS … thanks for visiting my blog often from Ann’s

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Craig April 13, 2011 at 7:34 pm

To be used – it is what I want. He has taken me far, shown me much, saved me from myself – for him to be the base of everything I do. And I’ve been so much trouble. He’s good – our God – he’s good. Thank you for your kind words Linda – thank you – and God bless.

P.S. The pleasure is all mine ✿

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Amy April 13, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Craig, there is a picture I’ve been carrying in my mind of my cross. It’s not pretty and it weighs me down. Every day. But there are moments when I realize that a heavy cross makes me bend down. And when I’m bent down, I have a different view. A new perspective. A humbler posture. Sometimes it’s those “realizing” days that I am closest to Christ. Then I think, maybe that’s the point? The starting point for living in the joy of the Lord as my strength? Thanks for sharing the downs as well as the ups. I have been thinking a lot lately about the humanity of Christ. And your post sheds some light on that subject. I will be praying for you –

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Craig April 13, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Amen Amy, you just made me think – “Where we end – he begins” I’m going to dig into the humanity on Love’s twin sight sometime – Our Human God – what a miracle – what a humbling – thank you for all of this – thank you. and thank you for the prayers. and God Bless you Amy.

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Mari April 13, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Quietly praying for you here…and thankful that you are using this thorn for its intended purpose: to glorify God’s power in you

Blessings to you Craig

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Craig April 13, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Thank you for the prayers Mari. It’s just a thorn – and this time it’s teaching me – but it’s squashing me pretty good to. The really good thing is that the first night of half sleep I get will feel awesome. Things bounce back fairly well after this thing slays me like this. Hopefully soon. But what it’s teaching this time – it’s worth it – It’s always a joy to have yu read me Mari – God Bless you and yours. Blessings!!

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