Love chats with Jesus about the horse in the pen

by Craig on July 19, 2011

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And so I have a wild horse in my training pen.

And he’s mean…

and just looking at him makes me not want to deal with him.

I want to think about something else, be somewhere else, but this is the biggest, baddest negative voice in my head. And I started this Love War against the negative voices because they sneak in and grab the enjoyment china from our cabinets and splatter gooey thick messes over our clean white sheets of peace.

They break us and I want us all less broken.

If this is your first time hearing about this Love War on negative voices, it all began here, and the whole Love War is chronicled over on the sidebar, in the “Lots of Love” section.

If you’re wondering why I have a wild horse in my training pen this should cover it.

And so, as I face the mustang in the corral, a new voice appears…

It has a stereotypical Brooklyn Jewish mother’s type of accent for some reason…

a little Barbara Streisand-ish…

“So, your broken? Broken is like old shoes. What? You got somethin’ against old shoes? Sure – a little ugly and tired – but familiar. Familiar is comfortable. You got somethin’ against comfortable? So stop with all the fixing already!”

And the voice gets me thinking…

I’ve experienced”unfamiliar” before.

“Unfamiliar” is being in a new place…
surrounded by people who you don’t know…
people you think are better than you…
who have it more together, have better lives…
and you find the nearest wall to be a flower on…

and you yearn for people to seek you out yet want to be so invisible.

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That’s “unfamiliar”.

Why would I trade in familiar for unfamiliar?

Oh those negative voices – the worst are the ones that sound like they want to help – regardless of their accent.

Suddenly I don’t want to break this horse that whispers, “You’re not good enough”.

Why not just acknowledge it’s true, it’s always been true, will always be true, and take it out of the training corral, take it out of all of the corrals, and just go on believing it.

At least that’ll be familiar. Familiar is comfortable. What’s wrong with comfortable?

Oh, maybe the most insidious thing about the negative voices is when they get us to repeat them.

There’s nothing is wrong with comfortable…
unless comfortable is destroying us.

And I find myself needing someone trustworthy, and loving, and supportive, and smart to talk to about this. A perfect somebody would be good.

Who do I know who’s perfect?

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oh…

and so a conversation begins…

but not the way I think it would…

“Craig, you aren’t good enough.” Says THE Jesus – the nice, loving, supportive Jesus.

And I think, “Great!” and add, “Umm. You got more than that right?”

And he did…

so…

tomorrow is a prescheduled guest post by Laska the love Kitty. He’s busy writing it now. It’s entitled “humilitee eepifinee”.

then Thursday the conversation with the suddenly not so nice, loving, supportive Jesus continues…

as does the Love War on the negative voices…

please come back.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Cora July 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I’m a little slow here. It took me three hours. Three hours exactly since I stopped by this morning and read this. I’ve been chewing on this post for that long, and thought that maybe I’d just wait to hear what Laska had to say. The two words, “unfamiliar” and “comfortable” haunted me. Everything you described has been me all my life. I’ve worked so hard at being invisible that “hermit” could easily fit. But strangely enough, I’ve never been “comfortable” with that. It never gave me the peace and comfort and happiness that I thought it would. I always knew there had to be more. As I’ve corralled the voices, put dates, places and names on them, etc., It was depressing, embarrassing, shameful, and it all brought up things I thought better left alone. Finding something of value in any of those sticky notes???? I really thought you were crazy, Craig! REALLY crazy!

I had this wonderful moment of it all coming together for me. As I began this journey, I was also beginning to write the “stories” of my life. A theme that kept popping up was how I had learned the wrong lesson (heard the wrong voice!) from things that happened along the way. And then I knew. The Lord is showing me how to find redemption in all that the enemy meant for evil, and turn it into good. It’s like the knights of old and all that armour they wore — AND the horses. I saw all my horses in black armour, looking fierce and HUGE. When I removed the armour, they were just like any other horse. My thoughts are flying, and maybe I’ll get it all together where I can share this in a more understanding way. But let it be said here —- I hugged my first horse today. I am now an official horse whisperer!!!!!

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Craig July 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Cora – the biggest, brightest, happiest smile across my face – that is all!

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Mari July 19, 2011 at 7:25 pm

I’m intrigued by the conversation with “THE Jesus”…I think I’ve had a similar one and it is so freeing! I’ll be back to see what Laska has to say =)

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Craig July 20, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Mari, oh the conversation with Our Lord – I was at such an impasse – than just talked with God. It’s no big thing – we all talk with God – and if I shut up every once in a while – I can hear, or at least sense, what he has to say. And do come back – it’s Laska’s first really serious post – bring a Kleenex (⌣˛⌣). God Bless you Mari.

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Michelle July 20, 2011 at 4:29 am

“Craig, you aren’t good enough.” Says THE Jesus – the nice, loving, supportive Jesus.

That is where we stop listening a lot of the time, isn’t it. But you aren’t good enough. And neither am I. And neither is anyone else. Otherwise we wouldn’t need Jesus. (or am I pre-empting Laska here?)

Looking forward to hearing what Laska has to say (and the rest of your conversation with THE Jesus.

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Craig July 20, 2011 at 3:29 pm

If this were a novel, I think your comment would be called “foreshadowing” (◠‿◠). and do come back and read Laska – he’s really proud of what he learned – even though it was a tough lesson. God bless you Michelle.

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Debbie July 21, 2011 at 12:23 am

Thank you for not staying with the familiar and comfortable, so we can know what Jesus said about this not being good enough! :) God bless you and your love kitty!

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Craig July 21, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I’m thinking today of how much “comfort” Our Lord declined – comfort can be good – but comfort can be a prison too. Thank you Debbie. I hope you’re having a nice day. You deserve it. God bless you.

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A. July 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

‘Comfort can be good but comfort can be a prison, too.’ Craig, what an insightful statement. Comfort can be both soothing and restorative, yet at other times, very deceivingly detrimental. This post is very thought-provoking. Thank you many times for risking to share these thoughts and things with us.

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Craig July 25, 2011 at 1:34 pm

A, the “risking” is feeling less risky all the time (◠‿◠). happy travels!

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