Love talks things out

by Craig on July 21, 2011

source

I could be crazy…
or I could have a live imagination…
or I could have really had a chat with Jesus…
at any rate, here’s the transcript…
It’s all about finding a kernel of truth in my number one biggest inner critical voice…
the one that says, “You aren’t good enough.”

As seems awfully fitting…

the words of Jesus…

are in red.

“Was I good enough to win over the Sanhedrin? Pontius Pilate? Was I good enough to save both the thieves on the cross? Was I good enough to cause Judas not to betray me?”

“That was different.” I tell him. “That was all playing into the plan. To convince the authorities would mean no crucifixion and no salvation. To save both criminals on the cross would mean forcing your will upon one who wanted nothing to do with you. To stop Judas from his appointed task would be to prevent the will of God. Besides, I believe you to be perfect. You’re not going to convince me that you aren’t good enough.”

Let me share something with you guys, some of you already may know. But now that I’ve started this whole “transparency” thing I can’t seem to stop. I have failed at more things than I have succeeded at. In the eyes of the world, I am a walking definition of lack of success. If all I could see was what the world sees – well – that would decimate me. But I see more – my saving grace is that there is more than what we can see, and eternal value in whose I am – not who I am. Anyway back to the conversation.

“Am I real?”

“Yes. You’re real.”

“You sound certain.”

“You know I used to have doubts – tons of doubt.”

“And what did you do with those?”

“I stayed with it until I found answers to them all.”

“Tell me a little about that.” (Jesus the therapist)

“I studied and found that the accounts of you in the Gospels were more historically valid than any “history” we have from your time. And over the years I have experienced your hand in my life in real ways, ways I can’t explain away – even though I’ve tried. It wouldn’t make sense for me to think you weren’t real.”

“And what else? Not everyone has walked your road of a thousand doubts with thousand answers. But they still believe. Are they crazy?”

I didn’t feel much like answering – so there was silence.

“Are they?” he persisted.

“No.” The answer was brief. It was a little terse. I wasn’t really looking for an argument. And I really wasn’t wanting to be convinced.  How much love does the God of all things have to bend so low for someone like this?

“So I am real then?”

“Yes.” I said with a roll of the eyes, then a closing of them, and a resigned nod.

“If I am real, are you good enough?”

“I know the theology. No, you are the only one who’s good. I’m not, but there’s grace.”

“But this voice, this negative voice, where’s the grace in that?”

“There isn’t any.”

“That tell you anything?”

“It tells me where the voice doesn’t come from.”

“Craig, what’s the core of your being?”

Change the subject much Lord?!

But then, he’s always the disarmer, isn’t he…
never the expected,
always the surprise,
always the Jesus we wouldn’t think he’d be.

There’s more to the conversation, so I’ve continued it over on Deep into Scripture today. Would you consider scooting over there to continue it? Just click here – to go there.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Michelle July 22, 2011 at 4:10 am

But then, he’s always the disarmer, isn’t he…
never the expected,
always the surprise,
always the Jesus we wouldn’t think he’d be.

So very true. Heading over to read the other half….

Reply

Craig July 23, 2011 at 10:28 am

It’s true – he is for the most part predictable – and I always acts in character – but it’s the little bits of his character that we don’t really understand – that when we encounter them we think – that was out of character – but in effect it isn’t. He doesn’t change – we just don’t know everything about him – yet. God bless you Michelle – through it all – God bless you and yours.

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Debbie July 22, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Yes . . .I agree with Michelle. It’s never what I expect! Going to read more!

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Craig July 23, 2011 at 10:29 am

I’m smiling Debbie – I always heart when I know that you have read me. What would this blogging existence of mine have been if not for you – from the very beginning? God bless.

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A. July 25, 2011 at 8:35 am

Craig, this is very interesting-and I am late, again, so I will go now to the next part. I am very curious.

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Nacole@sixinthesticks August 16, 2011 at 10:32 pm

this was SO good, Craig! wow! i was going to comment over on Deep into Scripture after reading the whole story, but the comments on that post were closed. LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT!!! loved the part where you say , “but then, he’s always the disarmer, isn’t he…always the Jesus we wouldn’t think he’s be.” YES! we can’t just skip over the parts of the gospel that we dont understand. Jesus was so different, so radical, so real, so TRUTH. we cant understand Him. but we can try. we can read Him, we can meditate, and we can ask for understanding. i have to tell you, at first reading, i felt uncomfortable, because i wasn’t sure where it was going…i was trying to open my heart to really capture something that maybe i could learn from this…because my heart has been calloused from hurts…and without me knowing…somewhere between all of your words, i found my heart saying, “yes! that is how i feel”….where is the grace in that? “and i wish the Lord would bend low and talk to me!” and then, astoundingly so, when i read the line that says, ““Craig, what’s the core of your being?”–that’s what got me. i began to feel like this is ME talking to the Lord. this is inspiring. i have been weary and exhausted every week, trying to write a blog and have it ready for Multitude Mondays, or Walk With Him Wednesdays, and it is mind boggling. i only do it to keep my head up and to remind myself that there is a part of me that needs Him…ok, ALL of me needs Him, but you know what i mean. we are so human, that we really need reminding. i struggle with issues–and have been very sick for almost 2 years now since my last baby was born, and some traumatic things took place in my life, and i am dealing with some depression, insomnia, paranoia, anxiety, pain, possible fibromyalgia, amongst other things…it is VERY hard for me to be around people, and this is not me. i thought i would never say that. i cannot tell you how much reading Mary’s comments (the sister that is studying to become a nun) spoke to me and encouraged me–wow–thanks for posting this and being used, Craig. it was as if she was sitting in my living room, with an encouraging word just for me. i hope, Craig, that i did not offend you or hurt you in any way with my suggestion–i hope that maybe it has been helpful. and i can plainly see that i will truly get a lot from reading about breaking the voices. cant wait to read more of these posts! i will certainly say a prayer for you when the Lord brings you to mind. i will say one right now. bless you!

Reply

Craig August 17, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Nacole, just like it happens when I read your writing – your comments sometimes leave me smiling, and a little teary at the same time. I totally get what your saying – and I heart that you get me. And my friend, I totally get when your body betrays you – as yours has done – and then life piles on – I want you to know that I just finished praying for you – and it’s not the first time that I have. For the longest time I have isolated myself from people – you probably are ready know that I named this year “connect” – but the “sleep thing” makes that really hard – as I know all of your stuff does. Because although I have not really connected before this year – I’ve always been around people. Think you Nacole, this comment you left – it really was one of the more special ones I’ve ever had. God bless and keep you and all of yours.

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