Love is not this!

by Craig on August 2, 2011

They aren’t patient.
They aren’t kind.
They take what isn’t theirs.
They lord their power over anything they can.
They are totally rude.
They only seek their own interests.
They get mad at the slightest provocation,
and they remember enemies.
They live in shadowy deceit,
and constantly do mean things.
They don’t believe,
they neither hope nor engender hope,
and the only way they endure is by sucking the life force out of others.

They.

Are.

Not.

Love.

source

 

And here comes my very first official blog rant on these most unlovely of creatures. I will do my best to do it in love – but seriously – these things don’t deserve much love.

Spiders are not love.

I know the “all God’s creatures great and small” thing. But not spiders! I’ll stake my – well – not reputation, and not life, and not really anything of value on it – but it’s my position and I’m stickin’ to it.

They’re all 8 legs, and fangs, and webs, and evil through and through.

Anyway…

the story…

And let me begin by saying these aren’t your friendly garden variety spiders – these are brown recluse spiders. I’d show you what the pictures of brown recluse spider bite victims look like. But I don’t want you to have any nightmares. I’m caring and sensitive like that.

I live in a very reputable apartment complex. The grounds are nice. The people are kind. The cars in the parking lot are nearly all an upgrade from mine. There’s really just one thing wrong so far.

Spiders.

And not that many of them…
just four so far.
And not deadly, but potentially extremely painful…
and disgusting and gross…
and 10,000 shades of non-awesome.

So how to begin the tale?

I have this useful little walk-in closet. The first week of living here I’m in said closet, and something doesn’t feel quite right on the back of my hand. I looked down and see this…

gross, right!?

and, by the way, it seems irritated.

I don’t want to disturb it.
I just want it gone.
I can’t knock it off and run away screaming…
because then it could go anywhere and seek revenge later.
I can’t smoosh it because it’s on my hand.
I’ve read that’s when they bite.
I like my hand.
I don’t want the spider nibbling on it.

Surprisingly I take it all in stride and remain calm.
And trust me I’m the kind of guy who will flee from a spider in abject horror.
I’ll fly like a thoroughbred winner in the Kentucky Derby.
I have no pride issues about this.
I’ll skidaddle right into the next county to put space between me and a spider…
with my fragile little male ego still very much intact.

So…

back to the story.

I gracefully glide out of the closet, into the bedroom. I say gracefully because you could’ve put a book on my head. You could’ve put ten books on my head – and a feather on top of the books. And my gate would’ve been so level that a speck of dust wouldn’t be shaken from the feather, nor the feather from the books, nor the books from my head.

Think a 10, 10, and 10 from the Bruno, Carrie-Anne, and even Len for  my Viennese Waltz on Dancing with the Stars.

Yup – that graceful.

Because I knew…
I had to get from the walk-in closet…
through the bedroom…
across the hall…
to the bathroom…
to the toilet.

And I’m so happy I have two blogs at this point…
because I’m continuing this story over on Deep into Scripture today…
I’ll need a biblical tie in.
I’m sure I’ll have one by the time I get there.
So please click over there…
and read the continuation of this more dramatic than “life and death” drama.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

A. August 2, 2011 at 10:27 am

Oh my! Do you really mean the thing was on your hand? Your bare skin hand? Eeeew! I don’t mind spiders but not dangerous ones. Off i go to your other site!

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Craig August 2, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I know! And at the risk of sounding a little like Laska – who although has written a post on humility – hasn’t actually mastered the art yet – I WAS brave. pat pat pat

God bless you A.!

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Debra August 2, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Spiders are not love. This line made me smile :)
Brown recluses are evil. Deadly. Could God have made such? I’m with you on this, and I’m sticking to it too.
That section where you say, “I don’t want to disturb it…. I can’t knock it off and run away screaming… “I love it! How comforting to know I’m not alone in my appraisal of spiders.
“I’ll fly like a thoroughbred winner in the Kentucky Derby.
I have no pride issues about this.
I’ll skidaddle right into the next county to put space between me and a spider…
with my fragile little male ego still very much intact.” Classic!
“I gracefully glide out of the closet, into the bedroom…” This is the part where I actually laugh out loud. “LOL” on Facebook.
After I finish tweeting this I’ll be back to read part 2. And also to share my spider poem.

Reply

Craig August 2, 2011 at 7:41 pm

it makes sense to me, Debra, that a broken world – broken because of sin – would have broken animals – like stupid spiders! And I do have a fragile little male ego – but when it comes to spiders – sacrifices have to be made :-) God bless and keep you Debra!

Reply

starla August 2, 2011 at 8:47 pm

You have me on the edge of my seat…I HATE THEM TOO!!! ok heading over…

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rimly August 2, 2011 at 9:54 pm

You seem to have Arachnophobia Craig but I understand what you go through every time you see these creepy crawling creatures. The other day my son came screaming from his room. There was this huge spider on the room wall. I hated doing it because it must have taken years for it to grow to that size but had to hit it with a broom and it came flying at me, perhaps to attack, I dont know but I ducked on time.

http://rimlybezbaruah.blogspot.com/2011/08/reawakening.html

Reply

Craig August 3, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Rimly, I don’t like spiders – and I don’t know if I have arachnophobia – because some spiders don’t bother me – if I know they’re the kind that are going to bite – especially the poisonous kind – those I’m afraid of. The brown recluse is very poisonous! But I’ve held a tarantula before – no fear. It’s really just the poisonous ones – but still of all the insects – spiders are definitely my least favorite. And your story about the huge spider in the room – and how it attack you – spiders! Gah!!! God Bless and keep you Rimly, and thank you!

Reply

Kriti August 3, 2011 at 5:48 am

YOU ARE REAL BRAVE – WOW!!!
http://kriti-howaboutthis.blogspot.com

Reply

Craig August 7, 2011 at 8:44 am

Sorry so late responding to your comment. You were caught in my spam filter and I had to pull you out. Sorry. Anyway, not so brave – I usually run from spiders like they’re Godzilla on a rampage. This time I was calm – but I think it was two things. One, I read that brown recluse spiders don’t have fangs strong enough to bite on their own – they bite when their stepped on or squished or rolled over in – dare I say it – in a bed. Second the picture is enlarged a little – the actual spider was a little smaller. So put that together and I thought if I moved swiftly and gracefully I’d make it to the toilet. No bravery – just – I don’t know – but it wasn’t brave. But thank you. And God bless and keep you :-).

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