Love steps confidently toward the new, the daunting, the uncertain

by Craig on August 19, 2011

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There you are again…
you’re calmer than usual…
not breathing fire anymore.
You’d rather I ignore you…
let you run unharnessed and wild…
but we’re not done…

And so I continue, in love, the “breaking” of this wild mustang – the  negative voice that tells me…

“Things will not work out.”

It’s part of the Love War on the negative voices that hold us back. The Love War began here – and over there – on the sidebar – it has it’s very own, and extensive, category. And today I have questions to ask of this negative voice…

Where did you come from?

I have that answer already (here and here) so I put that one aside.

When is it that I hear you?

Whenever I try something new, unfamiliar, uncertain…
and each time there’s a daunting challenge to face.

You seem silent about the easy stuff…and that makes sense.

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This morning I made tea,
prepared the mug,
waited for the water to boil,
and there was no voice telling me it wasn’t going to work out.

I put the sugar in,
and the milk,
the red milk, all fatty and full of NOM (don’t judge me) ツ
And there was nothing.

It’s only when there’s unfamiliar, or challenging, or important, that you speak up.

And this makes me think that the negative voices are more than just old recordings, played on “shuffle” mode, in our minds. They seem to often have a set purpose, knowing when to speak – and also when to be silent. It’s kind of a return of investment thing. That indicates some intelligence, and likely, malevolence.

Hmmmm.

And to make sure I get the most of this question…
I have to ask myself what it is…
right now…
that I feel will not work out?
And that’s an easy one.

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Because with this insomnia that robs me of so much useful sleep, that makes this body inefficient in so many ways, a 9-5 isn’t possible anymore. So I want to find something that I love to do, that earns enough money to live – not to get rich – but live. I have learned, like Paul, to be very content with very little – or much – it doesn’t seem to matter.

Writing about God, writing of God’s Love, that would be it for me. I’m blogging each day not just because I heart you guys, and I really do – I heart you guys! But it’s also opening up a possibility for a simple but crucial dream to become reality…

a way to live meaningfully – even without sleep.

There is not a single post I write, that I don’t hear this voice.

It never shows up during the trivial. It comes prancing in when something big is on the line.

Good to know.

How do I feel when I hear you?

I feel worthless…
like I can’t accomplish anything worthwhile.
I feel worried about what will happen…
when I inevitably fail..
because you do such a good job of convincing me that I will.
I feel like giving up.
I feel like giving into diversion…
to something that isn’t so important…
but is easy – and has no chance of failure.

How does it make me feel?

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Oh my, the ways this voice controls the game.

And now, so far, I know where it comes from…

and when it arrives…

and how it makes me feel.

This is what the questioning does, this is the process that heals…

and I have a few more questions to ask of it…

and they will “break” the horse with love.

So I lead the horse from the training pen into the barn.

Still separated from the others…

and more “breaking” next time.

And you know what…

I didn’t hear this voice one time as I wrote this post.

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Dawn August 19, 2011 at 9:34 am

Dear Craig,

To say what you do here is meaningful is an incredible understatement. What you do here is life-saving. You will never know this side of heaven what has happened in all of us because we stop by here, but one day you will.

God bless you, Craig,
Dawn

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Craig August 19, 2011 at 10:29 am

((((a tear)))) thank you (⌣˛⌣)

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A. August 22, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Dawn, yes, yes, yes!!!! Craig, those yeses go to you, also, because what she says is so true. (forgive the rhyme…not planned.)

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Andrea Dawn August 19, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Smiling big and lifting hallelujahs . . . “I didn’t hear this voice one time as I wrote this post.”

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Craig August 20, 2011 at 6:17 am

I’m sure it’ll make a comeback – I’m sure I’m going to have to keep all of this close at hand for when these voices start to rear up again – when they forget their training – good thing I’ll have all these blog posts – and I think I’m going to transform my “love war wall” to a smaller “love war board” – I’m going to go to Goodwill and find a board game – or maybe just find an old board game somewhere – and turn it into a love war board – with little posties to remind me exactly how to turn around each voice – when it forgets its training. At least for now – I’m hearing a better version of this voice – that’s coming up in the next post I think. Thank you Andrea Dawn, and God bless and keep you. ツ

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Rachelle August 20, 2011 at 3:57 pm

“I feel worried about what will happen…
when I inevitably fail..

I feel like giving up.
I feel like giving into diversion…
to something that isn’t so important…
but is easy – and has no chance of failure.”

I was JUST now sitting on my couch talking to God about this feeling, this conversation, and this scary, new. daunting and uncertain place that I’m in. I decided to scan some blogs before getting some sleep and the title of the post gabbed my attention. Thanks for sharing – I really needed this reminder tonight.

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Craig August 21, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Rachelle, sorry I’m so late responding to your comment. I saw it earlier – but it didn’t want to reply without some thought. I really heart when God times things just right. And when our circles get as big as the whole internets – that really gives Him a chance to weave special timing. I want you to know that I have prayed for your circumstances – I don’t know the details of course – but our Lord knows absolutely everything – he knows more than everything. Whatever is staring you down, whatever uncertainty lies ahead, I have prayed for God to give you vision through it, clarity, strength – and faith to go along with whatever trial happens – or is happening. And along with the prayer goes the hope that things will work out as you would like them to. Thank you Rachelle, and God bless and keep you.

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Rachelle August 22, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Thank you Craig, for your kind words and your prayers!

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Craig August 22, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Rachelle, think YOU – I hearted the opportunity to pray for you. God bless you!

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Carrie August 21, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Thank you for leaving such a sweet comment on my homeschooling post! Seems as if I hear the negative voice the most once dark falls – ironic huh? Perhaps I am at my weakest in the dark hours, after a long exhausting day. When I evaluate myself and what I’ve accomplished or what I’ve set out to do – then the doubts and negativity spring forth. I love how you tied this into breaking a horse. Almost as if we need an entirely different language to gain the horse’s trust – only to be found in His Word! Thank you for the thoughts that allowed me to look inward. Have a blessed week!

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Craig August 21, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Carrie, I know that whenever there’s a loss of some sort, the hardest times are always at night. I imagine that sometimes that’s when the negative voices can get the hardest too. Mine have no discrimination between night and day – they seem to lay in wait until the right situation appears – and then they send out the right one – which is always the exact wrong one for me to hear. But I can see where as a mom – as a homeschooling mom – with how much you love – and I know that kind of love sometimes goes without as much appreciation as it should – I can only guess how exhausting your days are. I ran a group home for five children once – but they weren’t mine – I didn’t love them – not like you love your babies. And it was exhausting even then –when love is involved the investment is always greater – so I can get it – a little – but never as much as a mom. But the more mamas I read – the more I get. And the horse thing?. It’s just part of the love war on the negative voices. The negative voices just got started is posty notes on the wall with a dividing line – I was going to put the bad ones on the left and good thoughts on the right – and it just evolved. At this point in the game it’s about asking the questions of each “horse” and the answers reveals so much, and then it’s about replacing every single negative voice with a positive one. Then I think I’ll keep them all close by because the negative voices will always make a comeback – and it would be nice to remember what I wrote in the light – when the darkness falls. And eeeeeek – sorry for such a long response – hope you don’t mind. God bless and keep you!

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Katie August 21, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I am so glad you didn’t hear the “voice” when you wrote this post! Even though it may come again, you know it for what it is!!!!!!!! I had a small victory myself this last week.

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Craig August 21, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Katie, that was a real pleasant surprise at the end of the post to realize. I do know it for what it is, and it’s on the verge of having a brand-new name, a brand-new voice, to counter it whenever I hear it – that’s the next step. This voice will have a flip side to it – so that whenever I hear it – I automatically here it’s better and nicer side – kind of like the cool side of the pillow. I’m looking forward to that – I think that’s tomorrow’s post ツ God bless and keep you – and thank you.

PS – and whatever that small victory was – because I don’t know the details – but I’m happy that you had it – yay team Katie ƪ(◠‿◠)╯

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Katie August 21, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I just blogged about my small victory.

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Crystal August 21, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I like your idea of the gameboard – that would be very cool (and might translate to something the marketplace might like too – just thinking). I feel that God is fighting the voices with you and that He is shifting the balance in a very real way. Praise Him for every little victory and for His steadfast love to us.

Thanks for visiting my blog – it’s nice to meet new friends :)

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Craig August 21, 2011 at 3:17 pm

crystal! “Shifting the balance” – that’s a perfect way to put this. And it is the way it feels – as I face the stupid negative voices – and reform them to better ways. And thank you – because I always need the reminder – because I always forget – the battle is the Lord’s – he will conquer all the enemies. I can always use that reminder – so thank you. And it was nice meeting you too, my new bloggy friend ƪ(◠‿◠)╯ Bless and keep you.

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Debra August 21, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Yay! Love never fails. Love is winning the battle.
And you are valuable where you are right now,
doing what you’re doing: blessing others with your words.
You don’t want a 9-5. You’re not the type to join the rat race.
Just be a starving artist :) Works for me.
And remember to…
Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know that I am
Be still and know
Be still
Be

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Craig August 22, 2011 at 5:12 pm

(((( heart )))) and I’ve never been a very good rat – here’s to my dream of being a starving artist ツ and I heart being still ツ God bless and keep you Debra!

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cori August 21, 2011 at 10:32 pm

beautifully written as usual!!!

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Craig August 22, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Cori, thank you – Really. Kind. Words. thank you, and God bless and keep you ツ

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Debbie August 22, 2011 at 2:23 am

Thank you so much, Craig, for taking us through these step by step.There is something about it , about how you ask the questions and receive the answers, that is gentle and yet firm. And it just speaks Jesus to me. I know this voice too . . .and I know how important this is to you. Praying for the voice to stay quiet and let you write! This so IS going to work out! :)

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Craig August 22, 2011 at 5:16 pm

to be honest Debbie I worried a little bit that just spilling my own stuff would bore people to tears – I’m glad it’s not doing that to everyone ツ we all share so much in common don’t we? And see why I chose THIS community – guys don’t much read this kind of stuff! And thank you for the prayers again – we really do need this to work out. we really do. God’s will above my will – we’ll see…

God bless you Debbie!

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Michelle August 22, 2011 at 7:15 am
Craig August 22, 2011 at 5:16 pm

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A. August 22, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Praying for your dream, Craig. Your ‘artist’ dream.

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Sharon @ Hiking Toward Home August 24, 2011 at 5:27 pm

wow. I know that voice. and your answers to your questions are dead on accurate. wow. thanks for sharing this and pointing these out. To read someone else’s evaluation of them is good and confirming to me. Facing lots of “new” right now and overwhelmed. Trying hard to fight of those pesky questions that keep plaguing me.
I have lost count of how many times today God has said to me, either in print or through someone else, “Be STILL, rest in Me…” I know he’s gonna take care of it all… patience is not my strong point. guess that is why I am still in this spot…. trying to quietly …. wait.

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Craig August 24, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Sharon, I know you must be hearing this voice loud right now. I’m finding a lot of people – even those that aren’t in a scary transition – hear this voice – and hear it often. At this point all you can do is put one step in front of the other – Just finished praying for you. God bless you and yours Sharon.

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