Love has 5 minutes for Sara

by Craig on September 16, 2011

I haven’t ever posted to Gypsy mama’s 5 minutes. I know this is a special place for women. But this is Sara, and I have to.

I just…have to.

gitzngirl-Sara Frankle-choose joy-choosejoy-death-dying-1 cor 13 lovesource

For anyone who doesn’t know Lisa Jo’s 5 minutes – here the thing…

Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

This week’s prompt: Give me your best five minutes on:

Joy…

And here it is…

Start…

And I know, I know, I know…
that I’ll be able to choose joy again…
but right now…
I Can’t. Stop. Crying.

These eyes have only been dry when they’ve been sleeping…
and yesterday I woke to a wet pillow…
and today is cloudy, and dreary, and bleak outside…
and reflects, like a motionless lake, what’s inside.

Inside is not joy.
Inside is pain, and sorrow…
and an inability to stop feeling the feelings…
a broken sadness for Sara.

And I know, hope is there too.
I know that joy is not “happy”.
Joy is different – it’s deeper – and somehow I think Sara is choosing joy…
even now…
and I’m disappointed because I can’t…
because I’m weak…
and I’m selfish…
and I am clutching for it but it’s out of my reach.

Right now it’s out of my reach.

I’ll honor you Sarah. I promise I will. But right now I can’t. Right now it’s a river – raging, and dark, and deep, and it’s rushing over the edge of the cliff, and crashing to the rocks below, and it’s all sorrow, it’s all sad, it’s all darkness, and I can’t. stop. crying. I will. I promise I will. But forgive me, because now I can’t.

I listen to you sing.
I read your words.
I pray constantly, constantly, constantly…
for more faith for you…
and peace…

and…

and I can’t believe I can’t grab a hold of this last one, because this is only 5 minutes and I want to stay true to it…
and my mind is so full of jumble and anger and sad that I can’t bring it to me now…

oh…

Courage…
I’ve been praying for courage because Sara is brave, so brave…
but even the consummate hero always needs more courage.

And have been praying for Sara to know the difference that she has made.

But as the time runs out on this 5 minutes…

I’m sorry for being weak.

I’m sorry for crying, and not being able to stop the tears.

I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for not choosing joy right now.

But I will later Sara.

I promise.

I will…

later.

{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

HisFireFly September 16, 2011 at 8:46 am

Yes, we will, even if it takes awhile.
We will, because she did.
We will because we are His.

Prayers for you as well Craig.

Reply

Craig September 18, 2011 at 8:39 am

I’m sorry, again, I’m so late in replying. But two weeks ago there was a week without near zero sleep. And this last week I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness for Sara Frankl. And as I stand vigil over Sara, from afar, along with so many others, and tears become as natural as breath, I’ve fallen behind, in reading – and commenting – and replying – and I’m sorry, because I heart your comments, and so today, finally, through the sad, powered by hope, and faith, and love, here’s my reply… I heart that you have been so patient with me…

… and thank you, I hope we all do, because she did, because she followed Our Lord. And thank you for your prayers for me, this is overwhelming my heart right now. Bless and keep you!

Reply

Mari September 16, 2011 at 9:59 am

As always I love to read here because of your honesty. You said it so well: “joy is not “happy”. Joy is different – it’s deeper” Mourning is needed though b/c death isint natural, its not how things are supposed to be. But mourning with hope? It makes all the difference…praying with you for Sara and her loved ones.

Reply

Craig September 18, 2011 at 8:42 am

I’m sorry, again, I’m so late in replying. But two weeks ago there was a week without near zero sleep. And this last week I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness for Sara Frankl. And as I stand vigil over Sara, from afar, along with so many others, and tears become as natural as breath, I’ve fallen behind, in reading – and commenting – and replying – and I’m sorry, because I heart your comments, and so today, finally, through the sad, powered by hope, and faith, and love, here’s my reply… I heart that you have been so patient with me…

…so Mari, thank you for reminding me that sad is ok, that death isn’t natural, and how morning with hope makes all the difference. Please keep praying for Sarah and she makes this transition, I know I’d want to be prayed for if I were going through it. Bless you Mari!!

Reply

A. September 16, 2011 at 11:30 am

It comforts me to know, at times like this, Craig, that Jesus knew sorrow and He knew tears, too. And Psalms are so honest and raw. Thank you for your honesty, yet also prayers for your pain, and for Sara.

Reply

Craig September 18, 2011 at 8:46 am

I’m sorry, again, I’m so late in replying. But two weeks ago there was a week without near zero sleep. And this last week I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness for Sara Frankl. And as I stand vigil over Sara, from afar, along with so many others, and tears become as natural as breath, I’ve fallen behind, in reading – and commenting – and replying – and I’m sorry, because I heart your comments, and so today, finally, through the sad, powered by hope, and faith, and love, here’s my reply… I heart that you have been so patient with me…

…and I put that cut and paste reply at the top of my reply for you, although I know you don’t need it. This is not the first time since I chose this “year of connect” that my heart is been overwhelmed by things not pertaining to me, by feeling others. It was a lot easier not to feel others. But not better. This is better. God bless you A.

Reply

Victoria September 16, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Craig,
No need to apologize for your intimacy with mourning; remember, there is a time for it. And you are right, joy will come. I pray God comforts your heart, even if it’s just to take the edge off while you wrestle with grief. I pray over and over again that God comforts all who love her.

Reply

Craig September 18, 2011 at 8:50 am

I’m sorry, again, I’m so late in replying. But two weeks ago there was a week without near zero sleep. And this last week I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness for Sara Frankl. And as I stand vigil over Sara, from afar, along with so many others, and tears become as natural as breath, I’ve fallen behind, in reading – and commenting – and replying – and I’m sorry, because I heart your comments, and so today, finally, through the sad, powered by hope, and faith, and love, here’s my reply… I heart that you have been so patient with me…

… and Victoria, thank you for your prayers for me, and please continue to pray for Sara, her body is shutting down, but I know her mind, and her heart, and her spirit, are not. And thank you for saying I don’t need to apologize for the sad. Men sometimes feel out of place with this emotion, and though I’m obviously not an unemotional guy, still, I’m a guy, and I still don’t heart not appearing strong. So thank you, and God bless you!

Reply

Katie September 16, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Craig, Your honesty is refreshing as always! Tears, well no need to apologize, we all understand and I am sure Sara does to. Praying for you and all the lives she touched through her blog and her family. It is a wonderful tribute you wrote for her.

Reply

Craig September 18, 2011 at 8:54 am

I’m sorry, again, I’m so late in replying. But two weeks ago there was a week without near zero sleep. And this last week I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness for Sara Frankl. And as I stand vigil over Sara, from afar, along with so many others, and tears become as natural as breath, I’ve fallen behind, in reading – and commenting – and replying – and I’m sorry, because I heart your comments, and so today, finally, through the sad, powered by hope, and faith, and love, here’s my reply… I heart that you have been so patient with me…

… and Katie, thank you for allowing me to write with some honesty – and for reading it. And I don’t think I’m done with tribute for her – I knew as this disease was ravaging her piece by piece that life was hard, but she was choosing joy. That she’s dying now – that is a surprise. I’m thinking lots of dying, and living, and that will be my writing for a little while I think. So thank you for being so nice, thank you, and God bless and keep you!

Reply

Katie September 18, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Honestly sharing what is in your heart is the greatest tribute you could give her. It is natural to be thinking of dying, and living…. I have been thinking lots on that as I have lost loved ones the past several years. Choosing Joy is still possible among the sorrow and tears. I am slowly learning that feelings of both kinds can exist in me at the same time. Not all one or another… look at the Psalms, so often they were angry and sorrowful, yet still full of joy and praise.

Reply

Craig September 18, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Katie, I actually like your words even better than those mix-y type Psalms. “I am slowly learning that feelings of both kinds can exist in me at the same time. Not all one or another” – full of awesome! God bless you. Choose Joy.

Reply

Kristin September 16, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Never apologize for tears. I didn’t know Sara but I have seen many tributes to her and can tell she is really a special lady. She is blessed to have you and the others show such love for her.
I’ll be praying for you Craig.
Kris

Reply

Craig September 18, 2011 at 9:43 am

I’m sorry, again, I’m so late in replying. But two weeks ago there was a week without near zero sleep. And this last week I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness for Sara Frankl. And as I stand vigil over Sara, from afar, along with so many others, and tears become as natural as breath, I’ve fallen behind, in reading – and commenting – and replying – and I’m sorry, because I heart your comments, and so today, finally, through the sad, powered by hope, and faith, and love, here’s my reply… I heart that you have been so patient with me…

… and about what you had said Kristin, thank you, thank you. I have watched lack of sleep eat away at me for 15 years – not the point her disease ravaged her. But she has been so consistent – all through it – for way more than the little year that I’ve read her – choose joy – she continually chose joy – amazing! And I’m crying as I write this to you, quiet, slow tears, but she’s going, she’s really, going, home. Thank you for praying for me. Please pray for courage, faith, peace, and that she knows she has made the difference – for Sara. God bless you Kristen

Reply

Lisa Maria September 17, 2011 at 8:37 am

Dear Craig

What a beautiful piece.. it is human to have these feelings, even dark anger at the unfairness of it. Like Kristin above I only know of Sara what I have read in several blogs, including her own this past day. She is indeed beautiful. Why should someone who gives such joy and happiness, who spreads the light of God around have to die. Ah, but we ARE selfish beings aren’t we? Sara BELONGS with God, just as we all do.

I pray that you can take comfort in the fact that she will be in His arms, feeling no more pain.. that is a reason to be joyful, she will embrace a new body, she will perpetually be in His light.

I pray for God to give you the strength to bear it all.

You are such a gifted writer and can I just say.. what an apt name for your blog.. you truly write from the heart.

God bless!

Reply

Craig September 18, 2011 at 9:55 am

I’m sorry, again, I’m so late in replying. But two weeks ago there was a week without near zero sleep. And this last week I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness for Sara Frankl. And as I stand vigil over Sara, from afar, along with so many others, and tears become as natural as breath, I’ve fallen behind, in reading – and commenting – and replying – and I’m sorry, because I heart your comments, and so today, finally, through the sad, powered by hope, and faith, and love, here’s my reply… I heart that you have been so patient with me…

… it’s funny, Lisa Maria, I spend hours each day crafting posts, funny what can spill out of a heart in 5 min. with the clock ticking, and then a little editing, this is what was in my heart, so this I wrote. And your words!!! Important – powerful – needed, “Ah, but we ARE selfish beings aren’t we? Sara BELONGS with God, just as we all do” Amen! Thank you for your kind words, she really will be home soon, and her body which has been increasingly less useful, will be new! I heart that. I really, really, heart that. And it still makes me cry, but I know there’s a little happy mixed with the sad. Thank you, thank you, Lisa Maria, and God bless and keep you and all of yours.

Reply

Layla Payton September 18, 2011 at 1:51 am

“Joy is not happy.” That is absolutely profound.

Somehow, in our tears, we (those who know Him) always find Comfort.

Reply

Craig September 18, 2011 at 10:02 am

Layla, I wrote about this once, and you reminded me to go back and read it, from a post I wrote in the very first month of blogging,

perfect joy,
the kind of joy that is of God
beyond the moment of circumstance joy
the knowledge and feeling that the only God is in control – kind of joy
And the God in control of all, cares about my cares, kind of joy
not happy happy bluebirds singing joy
but definitely “bigger than the universe” joy

thank you Layla, kind of hard to see through the tears, to the screen, as I write this ツ – but there’s a smile now too – God bless you!

Reply

Layla Payton September 19, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Seaside sunset, silver linings round the clouds,

Birds fly, singing, making such a joyful sound.

Thoughts of heaven somehow seem to fill my mind,

But I can`t even imagine, what it is I`m gonna find.
I can`t wait to get to Heaven, when you`ll wipe away all my fears.

In six days you created everything,

but you`ve been working on Heaven two thousand years.
Deep green forests, mountains reaching for the sky,

Grasslands and deserts, your creation fills my eye.

Thank you, thank you Jesus, though this beauty is just a taste,

Of all your glory I`ll see when I pass through those gates.
I can`t wait to get to Heaven, when you`ll wipe away all my fears.

(Keith Green)

Part of a song for you, friend. :)

Reply

Craig September 20, 2011 at 12:52 pm

thank you Layla, thank you ツ —– and look – that was the smile ツ

Reply

Layla Payton September 21, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: