Love keeps watch

by Craig on September 22, 2011

gitzngirl-Sara Frankle-choose joy-choosejoy-death-dyingsource

My soul is sorrowful even to death.

I remember the waiting…
the counting of breaths…
and watching them decrease…
knowing that they would eventually stop.

I remember not wanting her to stop breathing…
and I remember wanting her to stop.
I remember wanting to hold on to her – alive – as long as possible.
I remember wanting her to move on…
to see the Father…
to be in bliss.

Torn.

I have seen the candle of love flicker. and. blow. out.

Yesterday I didn’t cry about Sara through the day. I thought of her, and I prayed for her, but I didn’t cry.  I’m exhausted from the crying. Then last night, as I was replying to the comments that you guys so graciously leave, the tears came back. I realized that I missed them.

I realized again, harsh and cold, that Sara is alive, but she’s dying.
And I should be happy because she’s stepping into eternity…
eternity with God, eternity in love…
eternity where everything bad is gone and everything good is better…

gitzngirl-Sara Frankle-choose joy-choosejoy-death-dyingsource

where she will have a resurrected body…
one with no flaws, one that can do amazing things…
and she will know the love of God like we can only dream.

But for everything there is a season, and for me, for some reason, it’s not time for that season yet.

I don’t want to feel this deeply…
I don’t want to feel this pain…
I don’t want these tears….

I don’t want them to stop.

I’m writing my heart. I know you might get bored with the heavy, the sorrow. I apologize. But this is my heart. I give it to you, open and bleeding as it is. I’ve never, ever shared my heart like I share it with you.

It was in the Garden…

where the heart of our Lord…

gitzngirl-Sara Frankle-choose joy-choosejoy-death-dyingsource

so strong, so courageous…

began to bleed.

I think the heaviest burden of the Crucifixion was…

the bearing of our sin…

and he felt – real, true, most deeply…
the sadness that is sin…
and how it destroys…
as he bore the burden it places on each of us.

I think Our Lord began to feel that weight in the Garden…

the pain, the tears, the agony.

He feels our joys now too.

But I think, not then – and it nearly broke him.

And he asked his friends to stay with him…

Then he said to them,
“My soul is sorrowful even to death.
Remain here and keep watch with me.” (MT 26:38)

Love doesn’t grow faint…

Love doesn’t abandon sadness…

Love sits with a friend…

Love keeps watch…

please keep watch with me…

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Victoria September 22, 2011 at 10:14 am

I will stay here and watch with you.

If I may be so bold…I think there was a moment on the cross that was harder than even the garden, which I’d never seen the way you described, but I think you’re right on. The moment I think that had to be the hardest for Yahshua was when He was suddenly, and surprisingly I think, forsaken. In that moment He had to have carried the weight of every individual who would some day descend into the abyss with the full knowledge of the darkness/loneliness/utter forsakenness of no Father…this by their own choice. In that moment He had to feel the most incredible pain of abandonment.
For me mingled with awe and wonder is deep gratitude that He remained on the cross in spite of that abandonment. Human wise, He didn’t have to.

Reply

Craig September 22, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Victoria, first of all, thank you. Secondly you are WAY not too bold. I don’t think I worded things the way I wanted to – and changed the wording because of what you said. I’ve learned that a post is never complete until I get a chance to learn from my comments. Thank you. I heart that I learn so much from good people like you who read me. About that moment where Our Lord said, “why have you forsaken me” – I find it amazing that he was quoting Psalm 22. I wonder if he was just quoting Scripture right and left – but we only have the words that got recorded. I used to think that maybe the Father and Holy Spirit had to turn away at the point that Jesus bore our sins. But I’ve since come to believe that that would leave God “missing” something – and that can’t be. So I’m not sure what happened exactly. Nobody is – even though theologians sometimes pick a side – I think it’s one of those things that we will know for certain when we know as we are are known – like Sara will know soon. thank you again Victoria, and God bless you!

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Cora September 22, 2011 at 10:32 am

I, too, join with Victoria and will stay here and watch with you, Craig. In fact, most of the time, I have a tab open to your posts. I will reread, and I pray . . . and I pray.

Sometimes, I feel we are in that garden each time on of God’s children make that journey Home. We are there, yet, we seen unable to go as far as they have to go. . . we hang back, unable to enter into what seems to be their “Holy of Holies” as they prepare for the journey.
What a comfort to know that though He was abandoned by friends and ultimately, by the Father, He will NEVER leave us or forsake us. If ever we need to learn that truth and weave it into our very core of our being, it is now as we live our daily lives. Sara knew this truth as she lived these past years alone (NOT REALLY ALONE!). Really knew it! And what a wonderful lesson she has taught us through it all — the ultimate lesson of how to die that teaches us how to live — that if we are a child of God, we are NEVER alone!

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Craig September 22, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Cora, thank you! And thank you again – because I can never say thank you to you enough.

By the way, about the whole “abandoning” thing – I’ll say to you what I said to Victoria – I have an opinion – I thought long and hard on this – like I do everything – remember I have that faith that came in kicking and screaming and struggling to know.What I wrote to Victoria was that I used to think that maybe the Father and Holy Spirit had to turn away at the point that Jesus bore our sins. But I’ve since come to believe that that would leave God “missing” something – and that can’t be. So I’m not sure what happened exactly. Nobody is – even though theologians sometimes pick a side – I think it’s one of those things that we will know for certain when we know as we are are known – like Sara will know soon.

and Cora, I am so glad that we are never alone even when we’re alone. God bless you Cora

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Andrea Dawn September 22, 2011 at 11:10 am

Quietly watching with you . . . sometimes there are just no words . . . tears and groanings, yes . . . but no words.

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Craig September 22, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Andrea Dawn, thank you. God is saving a lot of tears right now. No? God bless you my friend.

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Felecia September 22, 2011 at 11:54 am

I am not watching.
My eyes squeezed shut letting out only tears.
My head bowed in prayer, thanksgiving, wonder, hope and love.
I take your hand in mine.

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Craig September 22, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Felicia, my eyes have been squeezed shut quite a bit lately. Today only a few tears, and I feel sad about that, Sara is at the gates of heaven right now – and I’m not shedding tears like I was just a few days ago. But I am thinking more of where she’s going – and how much effect she is having for the kingdom of God here and now. Anyway thank you for praying, thank you for leaving a comment, and God bless and keep you and each and every one of yours.

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Joyce L Gibson September 22, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Grandma is watching with you . . . with tears . . . and firm hope.

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Dawn September 22, 2011 at 9:42 pm

****************************
****************************
and this one from Shelly *
and this one from Sebastian *
and this one from Mickey *

That should keep us covered, Dear Man,
Dawn

and we are keeping watch with you.

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Craig September 25, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Dawn. Sad – just sad. God bless.

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Debbie September 23, 2011 at 12:57 am

Thank you for keeping watch. What a blessing you are in all of this. There is much to learn and a preciousness about Sara that makes my heart yearn to stay in prayer.
God bless you and cover you during this time of waiting and watching and praying!

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Craig September 25, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Debbie, thank you, i have nothing in me right now, sad, God bless.

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amber's articles September 23, 2011 at 7:51 am

To feel even a sliver of the pain that Christ bore is all to often beyond words or feelings or life for that matter.

Somehow, in losing one we love we do experience a sliver of that pain and it makes me wonder how Jesus did not crack prior to his death…..HE IS GOD…that is how.

I may not be experiencing your pain at this moment, but earlier this year when the healthy matriarch of my family grew ill and was neglected in our healthcare system…….I had NEVER known such pain, such heartache, such deep, wrenching sadness that overflowed into every area of my life. The ache was so indescribable that even now I can’t explain it, but it returns briefly at the mere thought of those months. Knowing that feeling……helps me to relate to all of those hurting over the loss of Sara.

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Craig September 25, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Amber, I’d say more, you know I always do – but there is nothing left in me right now. Just sad. Sad. God bless.

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