Love trudges steady, intent, toward the light

by Craig on September 26, 2011

Sara now has a perfect resurrected body. And at first I didn’t know what I was, then I was inconsolably sad, and now I’m learning, I’m learning… something…

gitzngirl-choose joy- death-dying-1 cor 13 lovesource

It’s just before dawn as I write…
on the horizon, a solid group of clouds stretch north to south,
like a mountain range in the distance…
and the moon…
it was a sliver yesterday, anticipating the sun in the dark sky before dawn…
and sitting between the cornflower blue and aqua layers of  sky…
but today…

it’s gone…it’s not there…it’s missing…

a tear…

my heart is reflected.

No birds this morning, no crickets, all silent…
overhead are many morning stars to greet the dawn…
usually hidden by the light of the moon – the now missing moon…
and I take notice of the addition with the subtraction.

Sara has gone home to be with the Father.  And the sadness that has been so overwhelming is turning slowly to stillness and pensiveness. The whitewater of emotion I have felt is beginning to settle to the calmer pool at the bottom of the rapids…

…and a solitary bird sings outside.

gitzngirl-choose joy- death-dying-1 cor 13 lovesource

I’m not quite ready to quip about dancing in heaven and angels singing.

Sara, a real person, alive like everyone we see…
alive like anyone we’ve ever known…
alive like Jesus was alive…
is still alive, and there is no pain, and there are no tears.

And I know this, but can’t wrap a smile around it yet.

I read a tweet that that she is now an angel. Sara is no angel. I wrote on Friday about us being created “for a while” lower than the angels. Now, she judges angels, she is above them in power, and glory, and authority.

And that releases a brief smile. And I notice the clouds on the horizon continue to move further east, revealing more early morning blue sky. But more light reveals a mist. The bottom of the trees are clear, the tops are in enveloped.

I’m reflected again.

We are here and we need to continue to live well…
continue to love…
continue to serve Him by serving others…
continue to run the race well as Sara’s earthly race is now complete.

And I believe as firmly as I do that Jesus lived and then died and is alive, that Sara heard from him, “Well done my good and faithful servant.”

gitzngirl-choose joy- death-dying-1 cor 13 lovesource

The birds have now taken to the sky but still no singing, just quietly about their business.
I’m quietly about mine. But I’m in mist, silent, still, anticipating the blazing Sun.

But it doesn’t come.

It never breaks brilliantly over the horizon clouds.
Daylight comes, but without fanfare…

another reflection.

Sara is gone.

I should be happy for her.

Instead I’m enveloped in my own mist.

I’m not loving.

I have been reeling for weeks in an unstoppable empathy.

This is not empathy, because Sara is in bliss now.

This is self centered.

This is not love.

I have some figuring out to do.

Please, and I mean this, feel free to help me figure.

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Cora September 26, 2011 at 9:45 am

Craig!!! That’s the whole thing about grief, sorrow, death, pain, and tears. It’s all our own. And we all do it in different ways, at different depths, at different paces and in different places. We, as Christians, have one thing in common, though: HE NEVER LEAVES US! And that is what brings us together in community, in love, and in comfort. Perhaps it is this that makes us want to read the 23rd Psalm at funerals. Those of us who are left behind feel like sheep huddling close to a shepherd, and we find still waters, comfort, and a supplying of the needs for those ripped and torn places in our hearts. It’s been just a year now since my brother made this same journey that Sara took, and this brought all those feelings back to the surface — especially the conflicting ones – the ones that wanted to see him free from pain, yet wanting to keep him here, and the ones that afterwards left emptiness and sorrow mixed with the relief of “finally Home!” I can truly say, this is one of those times when we see our own heart in its raw, true, real state. We see our faith for what it is, and our doubts — the line is clearly drawn. Sometimes that is such a comfort — and sometimes we wish the line would move more towards the faith side.

I stand with you, Craig. I don’t have joy spilling over. I don’t sing happy songs — not yet. I can only feel what is left on this side of it all and I can only react to the empty hole in my own heart for a while. For me? It has always been music that soothes the torn open places. And gradually, I will find myself joining in the song. You will, too.

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Craig September 26, 2011 at 4:12 pm

that IS a magical Psalm isn’t it? And I think you’re spot on with why it’s read. And my heart goes out to you about your brother – to lose someone close – I know – I know. Thank you Cora, I want you to know that I have prayed for you, and – well – we’ll see how I progress – thank you. God bless you my friend.

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Eva September 26, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I was thinking … When people we love die we can be sure that they go to be with God (in a way we cannot, trying to figure things out in the footsteps of His son here in this life).
So, they go to be with God… and where is God? In communion (at least where I am) we say that God comes closer to us than our own heart … So those who went before us will also be there? Pulling at out heartstrings trying to move to another more sacred place within?
And we hurt. God made us into the humans we are … and He doesn’t make mistakes?… and when we hurt we learn… we gain experience, the painful way…
Grief is how our innermost self’s shows respect to the emptiness that some people leave when they go before us. For a while we bow our heads emotionally … and all is well.

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Craig September 26, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I think, Eva, there is an actual place. Maybe when we are living this life, God comes closer to us than our own heart – by the way – I think that’s beautiful. But when we leave this earth, we leave time and space, and we go to him, wherever that is. The details, who knows? But I do believe this. When we leave this earth we lose nothing – we gain everything. All that is bad is gone, all that is good is better. And yes – we learn through pain – it is a shame that we learn when we hurt, often much better than when we aren’t hurting. Thank you for your thoughtful comments Eva Och maj Gud håller hans hand på du också!

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marlece September 26, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Craig, I am so sorry for your loss in friendship. I got on her blog to get to know her a bit and she sounds like quite a fighter! She is in a place of freedom with her body now, it is so great that we have that hope in Him for others and ourselves don’t you think?

Craig, I appreciate you friendship in bloggy world and I am sure Sara appreciated it as well.

You are a good man!

Love, Marlece

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Craig September 26, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Marlece, yes – a fighter – and so full of faith – such an awesome example of dealing with the cards we’re dealt – and keeping God front and center. And Amen – the hope that our Lord has provided for us – I don’t know how people who don’t believe make it through. Thank you Marlece, I value your bloggy friendship too. God bless and keep you.

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Mari September 26, 2011 at 9:42 pm

The news of her passing is bittersweet. And sometimes a person’s death, even if we don’t have a “close” relationship can rock our world. I think its b/c it brings up the sadness of old losses and the fear of future ones, of our own end in this life. It also causes us to ask God the why questions. I feel perhaps her death might be causing some of that in you? (forgive me if I’m completely off, its just been my own experience). Well dear “bloggy” friend, I do pray that in all this you would draw close to Him. Blessings to you =)

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Craig September 27, 2011 at 5:13 pm

you may be right Mari – I think this did bring up some old. I tried to tell my sister of it – and she couldn’t listen – it reminded her of our mother. So I get that. And I think it’s really good that it makes us ask those “God” questions. We need to be aware of that veil that separates the here and now from the better. We forget that too much – and if we kept that more and mind – I think we’d live differently. No? And you weren’t off target at all – you were really sensitive – insightful – so thank you! God bless you my “bloggy” ‘s friend. And thank you for your prayers.

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Michelle September 27, 2011 at 4:05 am

“We are here and we need to continue to…….” live in the best way we know how by following the Lord and His Word.

“Instead I’m enveloped in my own mist….This is not empathy…..This is self centered. This is not love. I have some figuring out to do.”

Yes, you do have some figuring out to do. You are in a year of connect, so named by your own self. And sometimes connecting isn’t just connecting with others – it’s connecting with ourselves, our own emotions that maybe we have hidden away deeply. And sometimes when something has touched us deeply as Sara has you (and many others), we are left in a mist, not knowing or understanding why we still feel the way we do. So I’m asking God (as I’m sure you are) to help you return your focus onto Him, to see clearly, as clearly we can on this side of Glory, what He is teaching you. What connection you are (or have been) making in this time of sorrow.

And know He has bottled up each and every tear! :)

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Craig September 27, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Michelle, I’ve had years and years and years of looking inward. This year of connecting is now adding new. Lots of new. I’m feeling what others feel – for the first time. That’s what’s hard to handle – it’s like a lamp getting too much electricity from the socket sometimes. But I’m thankful for this year, I needed to learn how to handle the extra current. thank you for your prayers – thank you for praying for my focus – on God – and what he is teaching. And I heart that he saves our are tears. God bless you Michelle – and thank you my friend.

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Michelle September 27, 2011 at 6:31 pm

“it’s like a lamp getting too much electricity from the socket sometimes” – I just had a picture in my head……..hoping you don’t blow a fuse! 😀

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Craig September 27, 2011 at 6:47 pm

I almost have – twice now in this year of connect – and Laska just climbed 40 feet up a tree – I talked him down. There may be a post coming soon. God bless!!

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Katie September 27, 2011 at 6:37 am

Oh Craig, grief is it’s own journey and it is a measure of just how deep your friendship was, even in the blog world.
“This is self centered…….This is not love.”
Grief is for the living to express love and tears. It may not be happy but it is REAL. Being real is love for yourself and others and lets hearts connect on levels that “happy” can’t connect with. Praying for you and all those that loved Sara

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Craig September 27, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Katie, good heart words – such good heart words – good for my heart. Thank you. And this – THIS – such wisdom, “hearts connect on levels that “happy” can’t connect with.” thank you for that. Teary as I read your comment – and really thankful. God bless you Katie!

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Debbie September 27, 2011 at 9:20 am

Praying with you. We all have some figuring out to do. God bless you and guide you today to all the places He wants to take you.

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Craig September 27, 2011 at 5:05 pm

just a simple thank you for this one Debbie – I know I thank you a lot – but I’m thankful for you. God bless.

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