Love’s tiny little division and me (pt2)

by Craig on October 11, 2011

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* both blogs were down for at least half the day yesterday – so I’m keeping them up one more day – which means I get to read more blogs today – yay!! If’ you’ve read this already – bet you never read my first post ever! *

This is an incredibly hard post for a man to write.

But no masks right?
Only honesty right?

This heart of mine has always ached for another half…
full of sigh and yearn and wish…
always longed for that which completes.

It knows that true completion always and everywhere…
begins and ends with the One who created me…
and that relationship is compelling and imperishable.

But I mentioned yesterday that God doesn’t hug…
and, Victoria, of course he does, I know this…
the God hug is the completion of the most important connection.
Without that, I am not me, I don’t breathe, I don’t live.

But the God hug is not the human embrace.

“It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18)
And Adam…
he had God…
he had animals…
still he pined for flesh of his flesh.

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And God knew this.

And some don’t need this…
some are fine with singleness…
single is not bad (1Cor 7:8)…
and you can do things alone that you can’t do if connected.

But I really heart feminine grace and charm.

Having no money, and with this insomnia which seems permanent, and reduces me…
I still have much to offer…
heart and soul and humor and strength and character and love…
but…
financial stability – that is not in my backpack…

and that…
that…
seems a major requirement…
at least for a connection that is more than just passing.

I’ve always been dreamy eyed…
I have had my great loves…
In my twenties I was too damaged to keep a relationship…
if it didn’t end, I sabotaged it after a time…
the thirties were for Seminary…and one major mistake…
the forties were dominated by this increasing lack of sleep…
and the limitations it brought.

The time for a life bond…
with a feminine heart…
seems past…
and that…
that…
even with the one most crucial bond possessed…
that can make for a teensy bit of lonely.

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This is not a “woe is me” post.
I am content.

To write of God, and his love, and spread words that mean something…
to find the way to make enough to live…
just for a humble existence…
nothing extravagant…
that would be enough for me.

But a starving writer is a romantic idea…
realistically am I lacking the most requisite requirement for marriage?

You guys know this answer…
I know you do…
And I know you’ll want to be kind, and tactful…
but be honest…
now’s the time if you have never commented…
to comment.

Am I right?

I’ll just sit here now, and listen, and learn.

Oh, and any questions will be answered in all honesty…

I am an open book.

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

kelli-AdventurezInChildRearing October 11, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I fell in love with my husband because of who he IS- not what he HAS (or doesn’t have) there are lots of women out there who will agree. Sorry to hear you are struggling physically- I have RA and am often “stuck” in bed – it also messes with my sleep patterns – anyhow, just wanted you to know I will be praying for you & I may even be able to “pray you up a good woman” ! :)

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 4:54 am

Kelli, one thing having no sleep has done for me is to get me to the point of understanding other people with bodies that rebel. I wasn’t very compassionate before this – although “this” has been about 15 years. But I get it now – and blogging in this community for this year that I have has taught me how to feel deeper than before. Put those two together and I get it – I really get it – and I hate that you have RA – I hate that there’s any illness at all in this world – and I hate – and I don’t use that word loosely – I hate the Evil One for bringing it about. But the sleep thing? It’s just my thorn in the side – we all have one – I know you know this. And as much as I would heart a good woman – I heart God’s will more. I wouldn’t be blogging in this community, for instance, if I had a good woman to cherish. And blogging in this community has meant the world – I’ve learned so much from this community of Christian moms. So much! Anyway, thank you, and God bless and keep you and all of yours.

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Cora October 11, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Craig, I read this early this morning just after you posted this. I chewed on it all day. In a lot of ways, I’m on the same path as you, but perhaps a little further along since I’m well into my 60’s. A lot of my “liabilities” are the same, and thus, my doubts and questions would be along the same lines as you.

As I thought about it all, I saw it this way: Early on in life, we all have a little box given to us. We carry it around with us all of our lives. And in it, we constantly put our wishes, dreams, and hopes — all in the shape of stars. Some are big and shiney, others are little and seem almost insignificant, but they are there all the same. In our teen years, we proudly show others what’s in our box, only to find family and friends and would-be lovers using our stars for skeet shoot practice! And we soon learn that what’s left in that box should be shown only to a trusted few and we shove that box of stars into a secret place.

As we get a little older, maybe later 20’s, we sort through our box of stars and pick a few “biggies” and go after those. Schooling, Job, hobbies, marriage, romance. Some of those get blown up, shot down, or just burn out. Pretty soon, we are wondering if we ever want to hang another star out. It’s easier to keep them in the box and keep wishing than it is to risk hurling them into the sky just to have them explode in our faces.

Time goes on, 30’s and 40’s, and life settles in. Reality becomes. . . well, REAL. The star-lit marriage isn’t working, the job is boring, the face is getting wrinkly, things hurt and don’t work well anymore. And once in a while, we crawl on our bellies and find that box of stars and wonder. . .

And here you are, Craig. Do you risk shooting all the stars you have left into the sky and go for it? Even worse thought is, will she be willing to shoot all the stars SHE has left and go for it??? Only your heart can tell you the answer to this. The way I see it, either way leaves you open for a broken heart. To NOT shoot your stars is to walk away empty and broken. To shoot them and have them shot down is just as devastating.

So here we have a “fullness of time” about to happen. Two lives crossing paths, and in that moment what do you do??? Can any of us really know the answers???? Only she has her own answers, Craig. And you will have to risk asking THE questions if you really want to know. And all those negative voices????? You know what to do with those. Get them out of the way.

I vote for shooting all the stars you have left, go for broke, risk everything. If this is of God, it will be. If not, you will know. Otherwise, you will never know and always wonder. . . and end up with a box full of dying stars under your bed!!!!!

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:02 am

my goodness Cora! The stars in the box metaphor is absolutely brilliant! Brilliant! We do get wisdom with age don’t we? You. Have. Wisdom. My friend. I heart your wisdom. and Cora, I’m not really asking these questions about a woman that I already know – although there is one who prompted this. There is use in being single – Paul knew that – I have learned that – we’ll see what God has planned – I’ve been patient this long – why not a little longer. This particular person who prompted this – the converging points aren’t going to work out – just circumstances – at least that’s what I think. Anyway my heart is in these blogs right now – and in you guys – and there are only so many” heart” hours in the day. Probably best for me to stay focused right now. God bless you my friend.

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Dawn October 11, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Dear Cora,

I went by Hidden Riches to see if you had posted anything and there was nothing new there. Now I know why! God put your post over here!! I could hardly breathe reading through this. I think all I’ll say to Craig is, “What Cora said. Sounds good to me.”

Love you, Dear One,
Dawn

Craig,

What Cora said. Sounds good to me.

Praying for you,*
Dawn

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thefisherlady October 12, 2011 at 2:10 am

Dawn, exactly my thought! Cora, this is magnificent! Craig,what Cora said, sounds good to me! … praying for you too, and should that box of stars ever get empty, take courage, God will fill it up again until you find that perfect somebody.

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:04 am

not everyone gets married, Susan, I’m just a sappy little romantic sometimes – have never been able to shake that. And I’m smiling as I write this – should it come – it comes – I want what God wants more than what I want – and when I remember that – then there is peace. It’s only when I forget that – then I get lonely and grumpy. I’m remembering it right now. Thank you Susan. God bless and keep you my friend.

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:07 am

what Cora wrote? That IS a post – it’s a whole series. I think it could be a book! And I’m with you Dawn, how could I disagree with what Cora said. * Oh, and I saw that ツ. God bless.

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Katie October 11, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Craig,

It is heart wrenching place you are in right now. I have no wisdom to offer, like Cora (I love what she said).

I am the ‘bread’ winner in my family. Most of my marriage I have brought more home than my husband. I married my husband when he did not have a job. I married him for LOVE.

I will pray for you and the decision you have to make about the risk of seeking love when the world would say DON’T.

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:09 am

first,AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Well, that’s second too. And prayers – prayers are always welcome. You little romantic you! God bless you Katie!

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Michelle October 12, 2011 at 3:42 am

I have no answers. But I love what Cora said. And agree.

It’s like an advert over here for the Never Never, the Northern Territory (basically ’empty’ land in the middle of Australia which has meaning for the aborigines, and is full of beautiful gorges, etc): “If you Never Never go, then you’ll Never Never know!”

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:15 am

first, is that what they call “commercials” down under? Adverts? If you never never go – then you’ll never never know. I have been “there” many, many times – not recently though – not for nearly a decade. I have felt a little like damaged goods – and thought – why even bother. And I can’t believe I just admitted that on the interwebs. Anyway – no masks. God’s will and not mine – it all comes down to that – arewhat he wants above what I want. I just need to keep remembering that – I have such a short memory. God bless you Michelle!

PS and summer is rapidly leaving here – so I assume it’s headed south – to you – happy spring and summer!

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Michelle October 12, 2011 at 5:40 am

Commercials, Advertisements. Same thing.

“I have been “there” many, many times” – but the you that is now is not the you that was ‘there’ many, many times. The you now is “braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” (courtesy of Winnie the Pooh, but oh so true!)

Spring has supposedly sprung here. Though you wouldn’t know it by the last couple of days. :)

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:49 am

THAT! That is an excellent point. The me that was “there” many times is definitely not the me that there is now. And I don’t think God is quite finished – although, this year I named connect – as full of awesome and heartache as it has been – soon I’ll have to find a name for next year – but somehow I think I’ll keep connecting. Thank you Michelle! And I heart Winnie the Pooh.

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Debbie October 12, 2011 at 9:17 am

I read this and my heart breaks some for you. You know we all want wonderful for you! :) Something happened here that really blessed me, maybe others. A radio announcer had been single. She helped with others in the same place. Then on her 50th birthday, she got married. Now, this is not the same situation as yours, I know. But, I thought it was beautiful . . .and that you just don’t know, Craig. It could happen! God loves you and He wants good things for you too. I will just pray, okay? (and send lots of sweet single women your way! just kidding! unless, of course. . .) :)

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Debbie, today I’m just as alone – but not near so lonely. If I had married earlier – well – I didn’t know love like I know love now. So, as romantic as it might have been – I kinda shudder to think. Gods will above mine – always his will above mine – I would heart a bride to cherish – but his will above mine. However, if you do happen to see a gaggle of sweet single Christian women – tell them where they can find me ツ God bless you Debbie.

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Nacole@sixinthesticks October 12, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Craig,

what Cora said 😉

and i am being completely honest with you, as i think everyone is….you dont lack anything needed for marriage. sure, you may lack a high-paying job, but any woman that isnt willing to look past that to your heart, in my opinion, isnt worth having. (i hope that isnt too harsh). not only should she look past it, but she should admire you and be proud of you, for the person you are, proud and humbled that you would want her, money not being a variable. what, in all the world, does money mean? nothing. the only thing money is good for, really, is to provide things we need. the basics. and doesnt God do that for us anyway, when we are in need and have no means? He promised in His word that He would. you lack nothing.

i feel funny giving such advice, but you asked, so there is my two cents, for what its worth. 😉

i am enjoying your posts, by the way, as you can probably tell by all the comments (more like novels). the teddy bear picture makes me sad–you just had to put that one up, didnt you? you know just how to get to your readers 😉

your friend,

Nacole

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Cora October 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Nacole!!!! Here I am, thinking of you as the star-struck dreamer, romantic — and you come up with the most blunt, to the point, real answer there is. I agree with you 100%. Any woman who would even think of the money thing just isn’t worth her weight in salt. And if I were Craig’s sister, and he were falling for a gal who had these thoughts, I’d be pulling him out of the relationship and locking him up in my closet. I don’t care what the religion is, how good looking, stamina, health, romantic arrows and stars —- if money is a big concern, then it jes ain’t gonna work out, honey! Besides, who even knows if the person WITH money is going to have it tomorrow???? How many people today are living on their kids’ college funds????? They thought they had it all, well planned-out futures, designer clothes, new cars, good neighborhoods, etc. And now????? Some are living in cars, no jobs, and none of the above things. I get so worked up over all this. I just want to shake the younger generation and say, “Can’t you see?????” But I know they can’t. I couldn’t see it when I was that age.

And Nacole, I think your post is worth waaaaaay more than 2 cents!!!!!

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Cora – smiling – that was an awesome rant – and all for my benefit – that’s love – thank you my friend. God Bless.

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Nacole@sixinthesticks October 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Cora!!!! you. are. hilarious. i just love you. thanks for your vote of confidence. and you are right. i completely agree. and i agree with Craig as well–that was an awesome rant! i love reading ANYTHING that you write–never, ever dull. it warms the heart to be able to talk to you. i will be by your blog to read soon, hopefully. oh btw–i agree with Dawn–i was holding my breath, mezmerized by your analogy of the stars in a box. beautiful. i think you should write something about this.

blessings and love to you,

Nacole

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I DID ask for it – and I DID want it –and I am soaking it in – reading every word. First things first, though – this blog – way to make a living with my words – because the sleep thing really makes a “normal’ way impossible – then – maybe – maybe I might lift up my eyes and look around. But – if God should decide to send me someone – I promise to look – even now. Still, God’s will not mine. God bless you my sister and friend.

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Nacole@sixinthesticks October 12, 2011 at 3:13 pm

thanks, Craig. im glad you are soaking it in. please do so.

it means a lot to me, determined as you are to see this thing “realistically” and glass-half-empty type of way, that you are considering looking, just because i, and others, encouraged you to. we believe in you! btw–i totally get the longing side that promises to look that also has to coincide with the faith side that says God’s will and the realistic side that tells you to use wisdom. i get all of that–now that you’ve explained, you dont have to do it anymore. you have all of my support.

and now, even though i would love to keep reading and commenting, i am off to hopefully write this post that has been two weeks in the making, and is being pulled from me like a passenger trying to pull themselves away and jump from a moving wagon being wildly thrown about by a team of wild horses. 😉

i will leave you with one last question, and dont feel you have to respond right away–i’ve kept you enough today. very, curious and interested: how do you make money off of blogging? do people do that? im wondering because i have a business and i also have the blog, and with homeschooling, and my family, i have a little too much and its making me crazy. if i could make a little on the side with my blog and do the writing that i enjoy, then i think that could create much peace that ive been searching for. you may email me on this subject if you like, since it may not be something that you want to discuss here!

blessings to you today and everyday in all the fullness of His grace, brother and friend,
Nacole

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 3:48 pm

All that said – if you find a strong Christian woman that thinks as you do – one I can cherish – feel free ツ

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Eden October 12, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Craig,

I have been thinking this over for a day before I posted. I don’t know that those 24 hours I grew something overwhelming to say, but I can just throw out there my experiences and what I have learned from them. While I do not battle true insomnia like you do, I battle Lupus and know what a chronic illness can do to you. You say that it “reduces you”, and I have to tell you that I disagree. I think that dealing with something like insomnia, RA (Kelli) or SLE teaches you to cherish and make the most of the good moments in your life. I think that in the end, while the time that you spend with your significant other, friends or family may not be of great quantity because of limitations, it has a greater quality. You save up and plan for them and really learn to make the most of what you do have. Like Nacole said, any woman who only sees your career or the limitations, and doesn’t focus on you, your heart, your humor, strength, character and love, isn’t worth a second thought.

I can totally relate to the teddy bear picture as well. I know that sadness well. As my friends like to tell me “this too shall pass” (However they never put a time stamp on it…) :)

Eden

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Eden, thank you. I know of your Lupus – and I almost said exactly the same words that you did – that although I don’t have Lupus I know what chronic illness can do. What I meant by “reduce” is that it reduces what I can do – you know what that means. I know you do. But that’s all it reduces – it steals time – it steals opportunity – it steals health – and strength – but it leaves the most important parts of me – me. It only enlarges my faith, and betters my character. I know you get it. Thank you. Eden.

And the teddy bear picture – that’s a heart breaker. No?

God bless and keep you!

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Mari October 17, 2011 at 10:24 pm

I struggled whether to answer b/c I want to be honest. Maybe its my age (29) but I would be lying if I didn’t say I wouldn’t consider my future husband’s ability to provide financially for a family. That being said, it would not be a determining factor. I could care less if a man makes six figure income or earned minimum wage. What is important to me is what is behind that, meaning is he financially unstable due to irresponsible choices, immaturity, or perhaps illness or a family emergency? That tells me something about his character, which IS of most importance…

And I agree w/ Nacole, a women who turns down a man b/c he is for a legitimate purpose unable to provide financially has questionable motives to me.

Well you did ask and so there are my 2 cents!

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Craig October 18, 2011 at 11:42 am

Mari, I’m glad you answered – I’m glad you were honest. I get that it would be a factor – but not a “determining factor”. I think that puts you in a higher, more loving category then most in your age bracket. You have wisdom – I heart your wisdom. I have had income – big and small – now it’s this stupid sleep thing – obviously I can function – I can write – but a regular job is impossible. I’m still figuring a way. And your two cents – really, really, really appreciated – especially since I know it wasn’t easy to type – my mom always said, “honesty is the best policy” ツ God bless you

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