Love’s tiny little division…epilogue…for now

by Craig on October 14, 2011

Warning…melty dark chocolate with exorbitant and unrestrained chocolate-y drippiness just ahead…

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Marriage…
mountain and valley.
One imperfect person struggles as solo.
Two will struggle as duet.

Only God is perfect…
so neither perfect brides…
nor perfect grooms…
nor perfect marriage.

Still…

to be one flesh…

the thought drenches me.

Intimate…permanent…bond.

Peering deeply into another while they envelop me.

To protect, to mend, to nurture, to grow together.

To open myself…
full of strength…
full of flaw…
to a beloved bride…

and she to me.

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To press skin to skin…
belonging to her…
fingers to fingers…
face-to-face…
body to body…
soul to soul.

Pleasure mingles with enduring love.

Intimacy and permanency.

But time…
irresistibly unending flow…
never still…
never frozen…
never waits.

Time flows through us – not we through it.

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And time has passed…and time for a bride?

Time never waits.

The path traveled often…
swept by passion…
burned by flame…
always derailed.

And maybe for the best…
because not till now…
have I stood truly…
ready.

Too long drawing near, but pushing distant.

What was erased the other day by computer mishap…
what never got posted for you to read…
were the heart thumping words…
of eyes meeting across a room…
hearts connecting…
fingers grazing, touching, falling together…

Her fingers were free of bands…

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yet a heart coursing with a love only a mother knows…
a shimmer about her…strength…determination.

Two romantic hearts blinked at maybe…
indulged possibility…
surrendered for a moment to yes.

But though there was no ring…
there is a father to the children.

Circumstance uninvited encroaches nonetheless.

Magical connection, thumping hearts, racing pulses – must bow to reality.

Still I long to cherish – that’s what a husband must always feel toward a bride, through trial, or test, heart ache, disagreement, through struggle, through distance, through hurt, there must always be “cherish”. I still long for that, and should the chance arrive, I will dive deep into its folds and let it and her envelop me, and turn spark to flame.

I have dreamt of sliding ring over finger…but dreams…

sweet evening dreams…

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must always face dawn.

It was the nightingale, and not the lark,
That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear.
Believe me, love, it was the nightingale.

It was the lark, the herald of the morn,
No nightingale. Look, love, what envious streaks
Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east…

I must be gone…and live…or stay…and die.

And why am I smiling as I write these words?

Why is there peace?

The spark of happy?

Looking out at morning sun…

I admit to the romantic in me…

yet see the reality…

and believe…

the Only God…

his will not mine…

his will to be mine..

his will be done….

and the thumping heart…

it rests…

for now…

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Mama Zen October 14, 2011 at 9:52 am

I love this so much! Absolutely beautiful.

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Craig October 15, 2011 at 7:38 am

thank you Kelly, I strongly sense that the time for a bride has come and gone – we’ll see – and I really mean it when I say what God wants above what I want. That being said, women are nice – but like I told a girl at Best Buy the other night – something happens when a woman becomes a mama. Your mama – you know what happened. You probably know I’m right. God bless you Kelly and all of yours.

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Craig October 16, 2011 at 7:33 am

and ooops – Kelli – with an iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii – sorry

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Cora October 14, 2011 at 11:24 am

Craig, THIS is it! This is your masterpiece. And I’m sitting here — one whacky, wierd, meloncholic romantic, melting like gooey chocolate. I’ve always been the one who watched all the girly romance movies and cried when the guy got the girl.

I sense a pull inside of you, Craig — the pull of that man-side that is logical, sensible, reasonable and Biblical that tugs the soulish-side that is loving, caring, romantic, cherishing, and relationship oriented. Men often let the logic rule while women the soulish. And we both tend to put God in the middle, thinking He is neither — but rather goal oriented, seeing the end result, the outcome, and always, that dreaded thing called a plan. What we tend to forget is that He also created all this logic, reason, romance, love, and need for relationship. On a day to day basis, we can put each of these things in their compartments and keep them sorted like socks in a drawer. But when the heart comes to the surface, everything in the sock drawer comes spilling out into a pillowcase full of mismatched colors and sizes and fabrics.

Having a heart is painful, isn’t it? Yet, it what completes you and makes you real. Craig, whatever happens, it will be good — all good– for you and for her — because it comes from Him.

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Craig October 15, 2011 at 7:44 am

between you and me Cora – I heart crying at movies too – I think it’s the fact that we get to choose to cry at a movie – we get to choose to be sad – and then turn it off. So we get to release that stuff – kind of on command – instead of in real life. And by the way – that logical, sensible, reasonable man inside – he doesn’t exist –well he does a little – but bot mostly – just sayin ツ I’m a mush ball. And I don’t sort my socks or undies in a drawer – they don’t seem worthy of folding – or sorting – they seem more worthy spaghetti type throwing in ツand I think I can pretty clearly see what has happened – and what will happen here, Cora, I’m not stepping in and interrupting what might become a family – just for some romantic inclination. I think I’ll be logical about that much ツGod bless you Cora.

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Linda October 14, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Let me see if i understood this well. Are you engaged my friend?

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Craig October 15, 2011 at 7:47 am

no, my friend, I’m not engaged. This woman is single – but the father of her children is on the outskirts of the picture – and it would be wrong to step into it – no matter what the feelings are. We’ll see. We’ll see. I just got a little bit mushy and romantic – that’s all. And romance is a tiny little division of love. God bless you, Lynda.

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Katie October 14, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Your heart is beautiful! Dreams…. only God knows if they will come true. Continue to put your heart into his.

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Craig October 15, 2011 at 7:50 am

Katie, my hearts just a big, gooey, mushy, sappy blob of emotion – that’s all. Maybe it’s cute and cuddly – but beautiful? No, I still think too much of me me me – and also me. A beautiful heart doesn’t do that. Thank you though. And this blog – this is not where my heart lives – but it’s where it does come out to play ツ God bless you, Katie.

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Katie October 15, 2011 at 11:28 pm

God would beg to differ, if he has washed the heart white as snow, then it is beautiful.

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Craig October 16, 2011 at 7:34 am

can’t argue that theology – true – heart white as snow – I stand corrected ツ

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Dawn October 15, 2011 at 12:00 am

Dear Craig,

I was actually afraid to go beyond the drippy cupcake. I haven’t been in the dating scene for a looong time and wasn’t sure I wanted to read the unrestrained choclate -y drippiness. I’m glad Cora is gung ho on this one. This cheerleader is turning in her pom-pom.

Reading through squinting eyes,
Dawn

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Craig October 15, 2011 at 7:53 am

Dawn, my unrestrained chocolate-y dripping this – at its worst – is PG – and all written about what it would be like him marriage – what it could be like. You big scaredy-cat! Reading something I’ve written through squinting eyes! ツ God bless you.

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Amy October 15, 2011 at 8:26 am

It is wonderful to read something so heart-felt, so willing to be vulnerable and in love. Just beautiful when a man can admit (and express so beautifully in words) his tender heart. I pray this will be a wonderful new chapter for your life.

You may have seen some of the blogging “awards” circulating . . . well, I have awarded you The Versatile Blogger award. Your blog has blessed me so much and I wanted to acknowledge that and share it with others who may not have found you yet. For more information about the award, go to: http://sunshinesentiments.blogspot.com/2011/10/unexpected-applause.html. Thank you for sharing yourself! Smiles –

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Craig October 15, 2011 at 9:01 am

Amy, thank you. It’s been this year of blogging among people like you – amazing Christian mom bloggers – you have taught me how to open up my heart in words like this – displayed for the whole inter-webs to see. Somehow, though, I think it’s not time for a bride – and realistically may never be. Gods will. Gods will. And thank you for the thought of the award – I’ll scoot over right now and take a peek. Really, thank you again Amy, and God bless you!

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Debbie October 16, 2011 at 11:17 am

I love that He has got you here to this place . . .where you are truly ready. :) Praying with you for His will and also asking Him for you a bride. teehee! Many men marry without ever understanding what you do while being unmarried. God bless you and keep you at peace while still romantic!

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Craig October 18, 2011 at 10:49 am

Debbie, yes, God does have me to this place – but to be honest – it feels a little like he’s got me dressed in a swimsuit – with floaties on my arms – and sunglasses, and swimming lessons, and I happen to be in a desert – with no water for miles around. ツ we’ll see, we’ll see. And you know, once a romantic…

God bless you.

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Nacole@sixinthesticks October 17, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Craig,

im not even supposed to be here right now, but couldnt help myself. i heart reading your stuf. i. liked. this! it was beautifully written–and made me blush a little–now thats good writing. i laughed about Dawn reading through squinting eyes! we read from Song of Solomon at the table the other night, and my oldest daughter’s head jerked up to look at her Daddy, who was reading, her mouth agape! but by the end, i think she got the point to the verses. God is a God of deepest emotion that we cannot even fathom. i just heart so much that you are ready, and able to write something like this because of it!

i hope to read the rest of the “encounter” at Deep into Scripture later!

blessings dear friend!

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Craig October 18, 2011 at 10:53 am

and parts of this were a little blush-ish. I worried about even putting them in. But no masks, only honesty, only real – and it’s only PG ツ I can imagine your hubs – and his reaction – that’s a hot little number – that book. God bless you, Nacole – and I got your e-mail – lots to think about – I’ll be in touch.

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Nacole@sixinthesticks October 18, 2011 at 11:21 am

i understand about worrying about what to put in–i do that too–but on this–i dont think you need to worry. these topics should be something discussed amongst the church. God didnt leave it out of His word. thanks for writing on this–really. and lots to think about, i know–sorry about that–i dont mean to overwhelm–i can be that way sometimes–i know you are busy–im not in any hurry.

praying for you as I’m sure there are a lot of things rolling around in your head right now on little sleep–you’ve been writing on a lot of hard topics lately. i will be praying about the sleep thing for you.

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Craig October 18, 2011 at 11:23 am

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Mari October 17, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Ah, I was hoping this topic would continue a little longer! Your reflections mirror some of my own thougths lately. This past weekend two of my closest friends married each other and as usual, it was a bittersweet moment for me. I was oh so happy for them, but that realization that this might not be in God’s will for me saddened me though I am SLOWLY accepting it. And I think that is where faith really is tested. When we can accept God’s will for our lives when it is different from our own. Thanks for the lesson…

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Craig October 18, 2011 at 11:01 am

Mari, the topic is only on hiatus – I’m an incurable romantic – it will make a comeback – it always does. And I get your heart – I totally get your heart – I think you know that. You can’t push your yearning down to the bottom of the box and cover it with tissue paper – and call it gone. I get it. And between you and me – just between you and me – I think your odds are far better than mine! God bless you my friend.

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Michelle October 18, 2011 at 6:39 am

Beautifully written. The way your heart comes through your words. Sublime. (a little like the chocolately gooeyness)

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Craig October 18, 2011 at 11:03 am

I was feeling every bit of the drippy chocolate goodness as I wrote this – what’s inside comes out. No? Thank you Michelle, really. And God bless you as always.

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