Love finds disappointment…and then…

by Craig on November 4, 2011

ℒℴvℯ  leans into support - trusts - expects - and is often let down.So what have I always done…

a guy who never really let anyone in…

and then I do…

and the heart breaks?

Not easy, but simple…
roll back up in the little ball…
close up tight, and cry…
but do it alone…

in my own little shell.

And pretend to the world that I’m fine.

It was better when God found me. I’ve never had a problem letting him inside. For the longest time, although I believed, I doubted the very existence of God. But I never doubted that if God did exist, that he was anything but loving and safe and dependable.

He gives meaning to mess.

There’s a safety in that. There’s a comfort.

So this year I begin to blog, and I name the year “connect” because of Ann.

No more rolling up…
just an open book, pages turning in the wind…
and everybody can see, because it’s on the internets…
and it’s blessing and curse.

And a heart running only warm, hot, and hotter.
And sometimes feels too much and gets overloaded.
And sometimes I trust, and get let down.

And that brings me to this.

I leaned in and trusted…
and expected to not be left alone…
and was.

ℒℴvℯ  leans into support - trusts - expects - and is often let down.source

…disappointed…

…angry…

I mean, how can people you depend on let you down?

See…

That’s a basic questions that most grownups like you have answered long ago that I’m just now running into. It wasn’t better choosing to be lone. Which is different, by the way, then lonely. Lonely is a feeling – lone is a choice.

It wasn’t better – but it was simpler.
If you don’t let anyone get too close…
they can’t hurt you…
they can’t let you down…

and you don’t have to deal with depending on someone only to have them fail you.

And that was the first time.
there was a second one too…
and a third…
and now it’s the fourth…

not that I’m counting.

ℒℴvℯ  leans into support - trusts - expects - and is often let down.source

And don’t get me wrong – this person has been there more often then not, and has been super helpful. So much so that I’ve come to trust and depend, and so it hurts more when I lean in and the shoulder isn’t there. You know?

Ah, but that’s the thing…

I know you know…

I’m just learning…

and anger is fading…

and disappointed reigns…

and I’m resisting the “see you shouldn’t let anyone in” part…

and the “just do it all on your own” part.

So there we have it, a little angry still, and disappointed and resisting the desire to be the rolly polly bug

any advice from you guys as I share this, as I work through it and learn – I’d heart that.

Really I would.

I’ve got to learn this stuff. Right?

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Ruthiey November 4, 2011 at 8:43 am

I think I’m learning too, Craig. It’s a scary place. God is firm, but what about the times when you need someone with skin on?

Praying.

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Craig November 5, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Ruthiey, remember when I told you that you had wisdom beyond your years – if I listened as you listen – if I learned is you learn – I wouldn’t have to be learning this now. You’re at the right time of life to learn this – and it’s fine that you’re just learning it. It’s this thing about “connection” Ruthiey – we need it – and connection with God is the most important – but this connection – this risking of ourselves with others – that’s important too. You’re going to learn just fine –there will be joy and heartache, success and disappointment and betrayal, it won’t always feel good – but you’ve got a BIG friend. To start well means a better chance to win the race – and YOU have started well. God bless you Ruthiey.

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Teresa November 4, 2011 at 10:01 am

Craig,
I am having one of those days myself and my heart has just rolled over too. I know from where you stand with a break so wide open that you fear “infection”. A heart breaking is made worse when the person (or people) go on with their own living day in day out without a clue. I can only offer this, to you, from across these keys that I type this message, I pray for your heart to heal and leave no scar. This I do promise, that GOD does feel it too. I know this because LOVE does come again and friends are the angels that HE sends to let us know that he is there. Listen, learn and love again and again and again. I wish you Peace and Love today and always.

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 5:19 am

Teresa, my heart won’t have a scar – I think I’ll be writing about this – but here’s a sneak preview – I couldn’t hold onto a grudge if I wanted to – and I know this to be true – because I tried to hold on to grudges – and just not been able to. My heart will heal just fine – the consequences of the person not being there – those we3re huge – and will linger. Can’t really do anything about that – those will leave the scar – but not on my heart – not on my spirit. And I just have to learn to understand that sometimes people let me down when I lean on them – but I should still lean anyway – because that’s love. Right? God bless you Teresa – and thank you.

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Katie November 4, 2011 at 10:29 am

No advice here… I am learning as well to not put up those walls and let others in and not being a rolly polly bug.

It seems like it is a never ending process learning this. I find the more “real” I am and let others know what is happening inside the more healing happens. The more community of trusted people I have that truly know me, the more I experience God’s grace and the more I give God’s grace to others.

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 5:22 am

you said no advice – but I’m taking what you said about more healing happening as you are more “real” as advice. I think that’s it. Love is allowing for the chance of being hurt by others, and I guess we should be prudent as we choose who to lean on, that’s biblical, but we should definitely lean, God wants us to lean on each other – even when others fail. And we fail others to – I do – so I should stop the judgy! God bless you. Katie! And thank you.

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Victoria Jenkins November 4, 2011 at 11:00 am

There is this game hurting people play…the push/pull game. There’s really not enough information here to advise, other than it is better to have lived and loved…

The push/pull could have been played by one or by both because everyone brings their own baggage to a relationship and everyone operates from their baggage (unless they recognize it and change it up) You know the push/pull game, right?
By the way…I speak from experience here….but I did indeed recognize it and did indeed change it up.
God bless you. Do NOT give up. :)

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 5:28 am

I needed to keep this a little vague – I didn’t want to mention names. So I’m sorry for the lack of details – and I wasn’t really asking for specific advice to the situation – just help in the general learning process that I’m going through – learning to lean – even when I get disappointed. So advice like yours, Victoria – just perfect – no worries. I think in this case it wasn’t push – pull. It was just a case of an imperfect person failing – and I’m imperfect – and regardless of the amount of damage done – imperfect people mess up – and that’s the whole point of the gospel right? And thank you – the road is a little daunting right now – it could get “daunting-er” ツ- so thank you for the last four words of your comment! I won’t give up. God bless you my friend – and thank you as always.

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Eden November 4, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Craig,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have never been a very trusting person, and after my traumatic divorce, and the subsequent fall out I completely curled up on myself. I’m still probably 95% that way, my friends coming down to help me out last week was the first time I really let anyone do that. And I only “let” them because they really didn’t give me a choice. I would love to tell you to not worry, that things will become easier, but I don’t know when because I haven’t found that yet either. I just know that next time, hopefully I will feel a little less guilty, and these are people I’ve known for years. Meeting new people? I’m still that rolly polly bug you mentioned. I don’t think I can offer the kind of encouragement that says “have no fear! everything always gets better!”, but I can offer you the knowledge that you aren’t alone. That there are people out there who understand and who struggle with the same feelings.

I think I’m not just a rolly poll bug, I’m one behind the Great Wall of China.

~ Eden

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 5:34 am

first of all, even, I’m glad your friends didn’t give you a choice – sometimes it’s the only way I can be helped too. And I also heart that you are honest enough not to tell me that things will be easier – because sometimes things don’t get easier – they get harder – and that’s okay because that’s what were supposed to walk through – if I want Gods will, and I pray for God’s will, what happens IS gods will – I just need to keep my spirit in line with what I say I want when I pray. Simple, but not so easy. ツ and I’m really grateful that you didn’t offer the “have no fear! Everything always gets better.” encouragement. That wouldn’t work with me – I appreciate this kind of encouragement better – it’s more real. God bless you – behind that wall – I get it – and we have a VERY big ally in our battles – and as we both learn to unroll – or come out from behind the wall – slow but sure – I think it’s just the better way. God bless you Eden.

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Cora November 4, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I’m glad I’m not the first one to post today. Those above me gave me the courage to say what I have to say. (I know it isn’t very helpful to say to you that we all understand but have no answers!!!! But at least it helps US to know we are all rolled up together behind the same Great Wall of China!)

First, let me say that I am a rolled up person. I’ve leaned . . . and fallen . . . many times because the leanee has moved away from the leaner and the leaner didn’t notice until. . . . So, I become more cautious the next time, checking for strong and stable places to lean. After a few of these crumble, too, I become paranoid and refuse to do ANY leaning. The walls go up — safe walls where I can lean on myself, cry, pound, shout, etc., and no one will take away my walls.

The only trouble is, walls not only keep the outside out, but they keep the inside in. And when we have walls and roll up into useless armadillus vulgaris, we can’t be leanee’s. We now have TWO problems: We can’t lean, and others cannot lean on US. Here we have been given a gift — a gift of knowing what it is like to need someone to lean on, and the gift of knowing what it is like to have no one to lean on. Combine those two, and you now have something God can use. The only two requirements I can find in the Bible for being a leanee is to have gone through a hurt and have the compassion to understand someone going through the same thing so you can help them the same way you were helped. We HAVE to be the ones to break the cycles we hear about. We HAVE to turn a bad thing into good, and in doing so, it becomes good for us, too.

So Craig, unroll. Find a hammer and break down the walls. Find someone who needs a friend to lean on and let them lean. Hold them up. In so doing, you will be held up yourself, and you will be a straight rollie pollie with a smile on your face!!!!

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 5:44 am

I get that part, Cora, that it’s a double-edged sword – by not leaning “out” everything stays “in”. Before I knew our Lord. Everything did stay in – at least with knowing him I’ve always had that release that let’s some stuff out – but like Ruthiey’s first comment – it’s sometimes good just to have someone with skin on to be there to lend a hand – and sometimes – like Eden said – force you to accept the help. I heart how much I’m learning by reading all of this. I’ve been battling a little bit of sick – and so I’m really late in reading the comments and commenting – and I’m glad because I’m getting it all together now.

I will unroll, Cora -I have a really short memory for this kind of stuff. I really can’t NOT forgive – I really can’t! But I do have to take exception with the fact that you can’t be all rolled up – and not still help others. I spent a lot of time rolled up – and still helped. But it’s not the right way – it’s not love – so I have to be less roly-poly. I hearted your advice my friend – God bless you.

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marlece November 4, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I get this so much. Those walls that come up so the hurt can’t hurt no more. I put up walls and jsut as Cora said this means it keeps the outside out but also keeps the inside in. I know that the Lord didn’t design us to do this and it is unhealthy even though it feels like the only way to protect one’s self by doing this! I SO GET IT!!! I have so many walls I live with that keep me from being vulnerable in return keeps me from being loved to the extent that the Lord would want me to be loved.

You are awesome, such a MAN!

Love, marlece

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 5:49 am

Marlece, thank you. There sure are a lot of roly-poly bugs running around – lots more than I thought. ツ and you are one example – like me – at least I think you’re like this from reading you – I don’t look as if I’m a roly-poly bug – I look all outward and extroverted – and if you stay on the exterior and don’t look hard you can’t see the introverted part that I hide the part that curls up so tight. I don’t look like a roly-poly bug – and I save most of my rolling up into a ball when I’m alone – some people don’t ever see it – they never have. And that hasn’t been real – I haven’t been showing people the real me. I get the feeling that you think you left me no advice – but you did – and thank you for the reassurance that I know you meant to leave – I hearted both the advice you didn’t think you left – and the encouragement that you did! God bless you Marlece.

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Cora November 4, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I’m back. Someone sent this video to me today, and somehow, it all just fit with the thoughts you presented here. If we are to set aside our tendencies to roll up behind the great wall of China and be to others what we would really like others to be to us, then this video shows how that works:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/MDOrzF7B2Kg?rel=0

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 5:51 am

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Felecia November 4, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Oh Craig – said with love and not with pity.
I’ve been to the Great Wall of China and it’s nothing you want to get stuck behind. In fact, they only let you walk on it. That may be best right now. Climb the walls that are threatening reconstruction and walk on them (not behind) look down on them – over them – see all that is before you. Twirl (I am smiling imagining this!) twirling is good. It kinda gets you dizzy but it makes you laugh too.
And Craig, let yourself grieve. It is sad when love doesn’t bear out. When the person you thought you wanted to lean on doesn’t want to bear your weight. I agree with most all that my sisters have said before me (except I haven’t seen Cora’s video but Cora always has such lovely things to say). Take some time for yourself. But know that if you start building those walls and we can’t see the top of your head that a bunch of us are going to come over and kick some roly poly bug shell. :)
Hug Laska. She will like the meenie waterz that slip down your face.
Heart you,
Felecia

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 5:56 am

first of all – YOU girls and your twirling! ツ

and I will make sure to keep my head visible above the wall ツ

by the way – I have to let you know that Laska – he’s a boy – so never comment on one of his posts and say he’s a girl – he probably won’t read this – so it’s safe to say here –and he won’t be insulted – just letting you know ツ

God bless you. Felicia.

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Lisa Maria November 4, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Hello Craig

I’ve been married so long, I’ve forgotten what its like to let a stranger inside those ‘heart walls’… yet I’ll tell you that even within marriage we put up those ‘heart walls’. After 19 years of marriage my husband and I hit a point so low that the only place to go was up, with God’s help of course and within the next two years my husband discovered that he never really knew love because he had those walls so high that he never really let my love inside them.. he never fully experienced it. Those walls had to come crashing down with a big whack from Jesus’ hammer.. now his heart cannot contain how much love is flowing around.

I love Cora’s answer to you and I guess all I can really say is that loving takes risk.. if you don’t risk opening yourself to the pain you don’t fully open yourself to love. I guess that’s easy to say from behind the security of a long marriage but its a truth I believe in. Hope this helps.

Btw.. I loved the story of the rolled up bug and the analogy was great.. so was your extensive vocabulary 😉 Someday I pray and hope that your ‘heart walls’ don’t come down fruitlessly and you’ll be basking in someone’s honest and true love.

God bless!

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 6:05 am

I can only smile at the whole first paragraph of your comment – the tough stuff that has to happen first sometimes before the good stuff can happen.

And you weren’t around for this – but – my very first post was titled – love involves risk – you quoted me without even knowing it ツ and it’s a good reminder for me – so thank you. Sometimes we forget what we write – and we need to read it more than anybody else does.

And thank you for complimenting my “extensive vocabulary’ ツ

and I want to let you know that this wasn’t a big romantic failure – it had nothing to do with romance at all. I’m not really opening myself up to romance right now – between just you and me – I still don’t feel I have anything to offer – I have faith – I have love – I don’t look like a toad too much – but that’s all there is – and there’s a large part of me that thinks that that’s not enough – so I keep myself out of circulation – and have for a long time. Sometimes circulation finds me – and because I really heart women – and I miss their emotional touch – I “circulate” a little – but mostly not. God bless you, Lisa Maria. And thank you.

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Layla Payton November 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I wanna write something, but my day won’t slow down enough (yet). I WILL come back…I WILL.

Until then, (((hugs))) from your rollie pollie sister. (Who totally gets what you are up against.)

Be back soon…promise!

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Layla Payton November 5, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Hey, friend! I’m back. I just took my meds, so had better type before my brain slips into a coma. LOL

First, I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through, and the crushing weight it is putting on your heart. It is good that you are willing to open up, for as I said on another post, we are called to carry one another’s burdens. Actually…the Bible says that, not me. Jesus did that in the ultimate sense, but we are bestowed the honor of being a part of one another’s pain. And it is a very delicate honor. Not a happy one, but a fragile reminder of how much Jesus does for us. And there can be smiles in the middle of a storm, if we walk through it (hand in hand) with a friend.

Jesus knows what rejection is like. He knew it would continue, until the end of time…

…but He still died, even if for only one. Just one would have been enough for Him. He wants His Bride to remain pure, yet here we are…cheating. And He hurts. Yet, He still loves. But, oh! How we must hurt Him!

He knows your pain. He gets it. He does.

I have this hunch that Satan knows we will shut down if he continues to shoot arrows at our hearts. And the more pain we feel, the less effective we can become at loving others. I believe that is why all of us on this blog can relate to you on many, many levels. I want to challenge you though. I want you to look through that “it’s too late” lie, and squint your eyes. Stare right through that fog of exhaustion and heartache. Look closely:

Is there anything, on this side of Heaven, that is too late for our God?

Blessings, dear friend.

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Craig November 6, 2011 at 6:12 am

first, there are some things that it IS too late for – in this life. I have to be realistic about some things. I lived most of my life with the rose-colored glasses on – pretending that what was – wasn’t. It’s a good thing that I’ve taken those off. I can realize things now that I didn’t before. In terms of eternity – where I will continue to grow, and continue to get better and better – there is no end – there is no end to life – but, in this lifetime, there are seasons, and some pass – and they can’t ever be brought back. And I’m okay with that. Still, you never know. This whole thing I wrote today wasn’t about anything romantic at all – but I do see the ties with the romantic. I still long for someone to cherish – I really do. Anyway – thank you, Layla – thank you – and your point, combined with Cora’s point – that when we roll up we do keep stuff out – but we also keep stuff in – and if we’re keeping stuff in – and Satan keeps pouring it on – that means all that stuff stays in – and that’s not good. I’m learning ツ God bless you, Layla!

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Amanda (Enchanting Havoc) November 6, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Did you beat me??? :) I think we both came over to each other’s blogs around the same time, but I’ve just sat here with these words from this post flowing into my heart. I wish I didn’t understand these words, but I do…. I am fortunate to not have to say I understand these words because of my husband, but I do because of close friends and my sister and my father. People you don’t expect to do this, but they do. I took your words and totally played it right into my life, and that’s what I love about you and your blog, Craig – YOU have a way of just grasping your readers!

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Craig November 7, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Yes, I think we’ve established that I won. You can win the next time ツ and thank you Amanda for your kind words – thank you. And I remember reading once – or hearing – that Judas could never been a “betrayer” unless he was close. Anyway Amanda – God bless and keep you.

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