Love shares a family story (pt4)

by Craig on November 17, 2011

Yesterday I left off telling the story…
and I’ve had all those professionally drawn diagrams to illustrate…
and I told you that I was sharing with you to provide context…
context for a phone conversation with my sister…
and one sentence that stabbed like an unintentional dagger in the back.

And I left you with this diagram at the top…the one with a missing piece.

In case you need a color code…

The saddest part of the last diagram..
is that the missing piece of it was my mom…
now gone from this earth.

I remember the night we all came back from the hospital for the last time, without her. We sat down solemnly as a family unit: all five kids, and the angry one in the middle who had been on his best behavior for the last year of my mom’s life.

Everyone had to be thinking the same thing…
had these months of sadness changed him?

But abuse moves in cycles.
The abuser follows each abuse with apologies…
and promises it’ll never happen again…
and remains on best behavior…
lulling the victim to hope…
until the next time…
and the cycle continues.

source

My mom had no doubt seen the cycle play out for many years. I’m sure after every time he beat me, he acknowledged it was a mistake…that I deserved it, but he would control himself better. And I’m sure she believed him.

After every holiday he destroyed by throwing food, and breaking things, and screaming, and sucking all the joy out of the house like opening a door on a sky high 747, I’m sure he would promise her – next holiday season would be different. And I’m sure she believed him.

If we were looking for it, on this night of her death…
we might have recognized the cycle…
he was lulling us to hope.

And I suspect there were promises made to my mom…
promises that he would continue his change…
and I’m almost sure he meant them at the time…
and I’m sure she believed him.

The night we came home from the hospital…
he took the role of supportive leader…
and spoke of how we’d all have to pull together as family.

It was inspirational really.

It looked like a new family portrait…

It was well after midnight when we arrived home – so the talk was concise, and then, he ushered everyone off to sleep with supportive hugs all around. The next day I remember seeing him filling the dishwasher – for the first time. He had a towel over his shoulder and was cleaning kitchen counters, leading by example.

And we all believed.

We didn’t see it as cycle…

we saw it as new and different…

but it was just the eye of the hurricane…

tomorrow the cycle continues and the storm makes landfall…

please come back.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Victoria Jenkins November 17, 2011 at 10:23 am

I’m starting to realize (strongly guess) that he suffered abuse growing up. Sounds like he had an alcoholic parent.
For a while in your diagrams there were no lines to your sister.
?

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Craig November 17, 2011 at 3:03 pm

oh, I’m pretty sure he was beaten regularly – a strong-willed child in an Italian family with the hot tempered Italian father – I’m sure he learned it there. And yes, there were no red squiggly lines to my sister in any of the previous diagrams – they happened after my mom left – he destroyed me early – he destroyed her late. Sad. I did my best to alleviate the damage – but…

Anyway… Thank you Victoria, and God bless and keep you.

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A. November 17, 2011 at 12:39 pm

The cycle is so deadly, and so misleading, and outsiders who don’t understand the cycle can be lured in too, blaming the ‘victims/adjusters’ for not giving the abuser a ‘chance’. After all, the abuser is showing signs of hope, now, right? Wrong. Change has to be shown as steady and stable for a period of time, a good long period of time…long enough to see it isn’t a cycle. Unfortunately, some cycles have a huge diameter.

This had to be a horrific and mind-numbingly hard time, Craig.

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Craig November 17, 2011 at 3:07 pm

right on the nose A. You know what? The word “victim” has its place – there is a time when the person is just a victim – then we adjust – we cope – and hopefully heal – one way or another we become “adjusters”. And Amen – some circles have really big diameters. A. I look back at my whole relationship with this man – there was 10 min. worth of a happy memory – and everything else goes from neutral – to sad – to horrific. I’m really glad I have a good Father now. God bless you A.

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Katie November 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Cycles, yes I am familiar with this one. Happened all the time growing up.

Yet I think I am finally seeing God change my mom and the verbal and mental abuse. My mom was crying and venting about her mom (Oma) when I offered her empathy and called it by name. “I am sorry Oma is so mentally and verbally abusive.” Keeping my thoughts to myself about wow this sounds so familiar because what you are talking about is what you did to me. She came back later and agreed with me that Oma was like that and so had she been. Since then she has NOT done anything. She approached me about seeing my counselor at church, who gave us a name for her to contact closer to where she lived. Me learning to deal with the abuse and how to take care of myself all through God alone has helped influence my family in ways that I would never have dreamed.

And my brother has come and apologized for what he did as a kid who was angry. I still see the verbal and mental stuff from my Oma (grandma) but I deal with her and have boundaries that I stick to.

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Craig November 17, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I’m so glad that you have dealt with all of this in a good way – I know your faith had to play a part – I’m kind of proud of you. I know that he learned this growing up himself – and it’s been so hidden – no one talking about it – that he’s never had anyone confront him about it. I don’t think any apologies will be forthcoming – they don’t need to be – it is what it is – it explains a lot of things – but it’s all just explanation – just history – I have the best of Fathers now. God bless you. Katie – I know you get it.

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cori November 17, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Wow….I don’t even have words…

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Craig November 18, 2011 at 11:06 am

it’s history Cori – just family history – a little heavier than my normal fare – but my sister said something to me in a conversation, and it made me feel horrible, and nobody would understand why it made me feel horrible – unless they knew the story – and so I’m telling it. But I’ve forgiven, I’ve dealt with most of the damage, and y’know – everybody has their stuff. Thank you for being here, thank you for leaving a comment, next time will probably be a little lighter read ツGod bless and keep you.

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Debbie November 18, 2011 at 2:13 am

This is just really powerful, Craig. It is the story we may have lived but never knew other people did too. Or the story we are now in, but don’t know what to do about it. You are blessing and helping. Thank you and God bless you and your family.

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Craig November 18, 2011 at 11:07 am

Debbie, I’m beginning to realize that too many people share stories like this. This is such a broken, broken world. Thank you Debbie. God bless you as always!

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