Love doesn’t put lids on hurt…it shares…it spills

by Craig on December 13, 2011

Before this year I named “connect” what happened last week would’ve been easy to walk around…walk over…ignore.

Because before this year…
I only looked as if I were paying attention…
but never was.

I dealt with any rejection by curling up tight…
feeling it alone, until forgetting set in…
no learning, no changing, no sharing.

Now I don’t close up…I open…I spill.

There’s a TV show called “Once Upon A Time”.
If you haven’t seen it the premise will sound trite.

All the fairytale characters we know are set in modern-day…
placed there by the curse of the stepmother of Snow White.

I know.

In this new life they’re all regular people…
but imprisoned in a town in Maine…

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I know.

In this bubble…
they are bereft of true love…
bereft of important memories…
playing out the roles that she deigns they should play.

And there are flashbacks to the old fairy tale reality.

In this last episode, the Huntsman dispatched to kill Snow White returns with the heart of a deer in place of the heart of the girl. The witch literally steals his heart, robbing him of feeling, imprisoning it in a box, and warns that if he ever crosses her again, ever feels for anyone else, she’ll take the heart out of box…and squeeze.

My heart is, being, squeezed.

What happened last week…it happens…
but with this new, darned”see through” heart…
I can’t run away, I can’t hide, I have to share.

I’ve learned to open my heart this year…
and with open…comes hurt…
but, so far, an inability to control the flow of the heartsounds.

I know, this is stuff learned in grade-school…
but this is a new way for me…
this open heart is still under construction.

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As long as you run before anyone gets too close…
and your concern remains only you, despite pretending otherwise…
you only get hurt when you get injured…
not when you injure others.

And now it hurts double, both because I’ve been hurt…and I’ve hurt someone else.

And I can’t stop thinking that if I only go away…it stops.

If I only stop trying to be part of this community…and just go away…it stops…

and so it’s fear, and heartache, and uncertainty, and dark, and heavy.

I’ve spoken to God about it.

I believe he’s spoken to me.

But it’s like if the world suddenly stopped moving through space.

The atmosphere wouldn’t halt and there’d be one giant wind all over the planet…

and then there would be nothing to breathe…

like. right. now.

Please hang with me a bit…

as I sort out emotions…

and decisions…

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

victoria December 13, 2011 at 11:42 am

I’m hanging.

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Craig December 13, 2011 at 12:28 pm

me too…

God bless you Victoria!

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Debbie December 14, 2011 at 1:27 am

And praying . . .
God bless you as He leads you through.

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Craig December 17, 2011 at 10:23 am

you have been a true friend Debbie, I hope you know how much I appreciate it.

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Tracie December 15, 2011 at 12:15 am

Let me first say that living in transparency is tough..and writing that way (even on, or maybe especially on, the internet) is even tougher. Because it makes us vulnerable.

So I read back through everything and got all caught up on what has been going on….and I just want you to know that I’m hanging here with you. I’ve got your back – I won’t be at Blissdom, but I’ll be praying for you while you are there.

It is hard these vulnerable, see-through hearts. When they are squeezed, it really really hurts, but it is so much better than living in the numbness with no feelings (that is something I’m still working on in my life, but I do believe it is true).

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Tracie December 15, 2011 at 12:18 am

In totally less serious-importantness….that was such a good episode, even though I still can’t believe they killed Graham.

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Craig December 17, 2011 at 10:27 am

Tracie, it’s never been my writing here, in this space, that’s gotten me into trouble. If someone reads me, they know me, BECAUSE of that transparency. It’s venturing out from the space – into our community – that’s what’s always fraught with danger. And I will need the prayers if I choose to go to Blissdom – there are other bloggers with these issues concerning me – much bigger, much more “influential” bloggers – I’ll have giants to face down – I’ll need the prayer. And you’re right – the see-through hearts hurt more when they’re squeezed. Thank you for coming here, and being part of an avalanche of kindness. God bless you.

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Layla Payton December 15, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Hanging in there with you, buddy. 😉

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Craig December 17, 2011 at 10:29 am

Layla, you ARE a friend – I’m thankful that her words crossed paths – and next time you’re in Missouri, bring your family so I can meet everyone, and the next time I’m in Oklahoma, I look forward to meeting all of them. You’re a blessing, hope your health is not so challenging currently, and thank you as always. God bless you.

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A. December 16, 2011 at 12:31 am

Blessings, Craig, as you risk yet more vulnerability. Thank you for trusting us with your heart. I pray that you will be richly blessed as you do so!

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Katie December 18, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Craig,
I understand being transparent it HARD and HURTFUL sometimes. Praying for you friend. Thank you for sharing your heart. Old ways crop up easily sometimes. I so get this. Again you speak to my heart.

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Katie December 18, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Oh and I love this show and saw that episode.

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Craig December 19, 2011 at 10:31 am

and I never thought I’d be watching a television show called “once upon a time” – but it IS really, really good. It’s on hiatus until January 14 – talk about cliffhangers!

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Craig December 19, 2011 at 10:29 am

you get hurt when you’re closed up – but the squishy part of life hurts more when you’re open. I guess there’s a reason I closed up. But there is definitely all the reason in the world to open. Thank you Katie, thank you, and God bless – and Merry Christmas!

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