Love says thank you 1,000 times (#’s 699…710)

by Craig on December 19, 2011

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When the insomnia is like this, and regardless of medication won’t let me sustain sleep for more than 20 min…my stomach ties in knots…thoughts are disjointed like a movie shot from 20 different angles…and life is like watching the movie and the angles change every second.

Ideas flow nonstop and are hard to pull together…
and you feel sick, and disoriented, and fidgety…
but you slice your way through it like hacking with a machete in dense jungle.

You know it’s just the brain making you feel this way…
and in the better moments you learn not to trust it.

And you can’t stand very long, and you can’t keep your eyes open but you know that closing them will only result in more of the same…but you have to or else you can’t keep going at all.

And nobody has found a cure in the 15 years like this…but it’s only because there’s no sleep right now that you have. no. hope.

#699… I’m thankful it isn’t like this all the time because life would be impossible.

And my emotions are deep, dark, foreboding. It feels as if nothing will ever work out. There can be no happiness. There will never be happiness. The whole earth will bury me and I won’t be able to claw my way through the debris.

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#700… I’m thankful it’s not real, that the world isn’t burying me, circumstances are not impossible, there is light – I just can’t see it, and the universe is not conspiring against me, though the Evil one and his minions may be.

#701… that I can remember what I know to be true from when it was light.

But it’s been like this for three days straight, and right now, and yesterday too, everything right is invisible, everything wrong is insurmountable, and faith in an impossibly elusive butterfly…

But obviously creativity flies unabated!

It’s only a temporary crazy.

It’s. not. real.

#702… And it doesn’t seem much to be thankful for but I’m thankful I’m not crazy, not uncontrollably depressed, not a million places at once but nowhere forever…only until this passes…and it will pass.

#703… for being able to edit because before the 100 edits or so this was all unintelligible.

#704… that God edits our life, till there’s no sin, no imperfection, and makes it possible for us to live forever with him, in bliss.

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#705… that the rest of these thank you’s were written in the light – not this current black hole.

#706… for the ability to talk to the God of the universe, whenever I need to, whenever I should, whenever I want to. Such familiarity…such access to the God of all.

#707… for the way nothing is going right. Yes I wrote that. And yes I hate it. But yes, it’s okay…because even though I don’t feel it…I believe that God will get me through. He always has.

#708… for this year named “connect” brimming with blessing and curse, the blessings were too important to have missed, regardless of the heavy cost.

#709… for memories of sunsets over oceans, and that line of light that comes from the sun to where I stand…disturbed by the waves but never for long.

#710… that we don’t need a Savior unless we have fallen, we don’t need His perfection unless we’re imperfect, we don’t need His love unless this world doesn’t love, we don’t need His life unless everything dies, we don’t need to mark His birthday unless we too easily forget.

But we do mark His birthday…

and it marks our salvation…

and our imperfect perfection…

and eternity…

present. in. time.

{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

kd sullivan December 19, 2011 at 8:01 am

I pray your heart and body find rest…

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Craig December 19, 2011 at 8:09 am

It’s okay Kim. I just plow on through…knowing that it isn’t really this dark and hard and impossible. I remember in the dark what He has shown me in the light. Thank you for your prayers, prayers are the ties that bind us to one another, links in the chain between brothers and sisters in our Lord. Don’t get me wrong – I want that rested heart and body a lot – really – a lot. But this thorn in the side, though I hate it, I love God for allowing it, and what he does through it…..in me. Merry Christmas and God bless you, and thank you.

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A. December 19, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Craig, thank you for continuing to make the huge efforts you do…daily…for those of us who read you! I, too, am glad you counted the blessings as greater than the curses…and I know the curses have been heavy. Your ‘soldiering on’ makes a difference, Craig. It really does.

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Craig December 19, 2011 at 2:00 pm

thank you A. Moving slowly – but progressing. And yes, I think the blessings outweigh the price. God bless you A. Really.

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Carrie December 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I completely relate to #703! I edit so often my eyes become blurry. That’s why I chose to participate in Five Minute Fridays – the rule is no editing allowed – and it’s scary and wonderful at the same time. I love #706, Craig. Isn’t it beyond measure and words that we can simply talk to Him whenever and wherever we are?! I don’t believe I could take life on earth if I didn’t have that option. And I pray that I’ll never take that option for granted. Sure wish that you could find rest. I cannot imagine the *years* of sleepless nights. My son has regressed to waking every 1-2 hours and I’m exhausted, but I also realize it’s temporary. Praying that your insomnia is temporary too! Blessings.

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Craig December 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

yay for editing! If you just keep playing around with things the words eventually come out fine – the sleep thing just means more edits – it’s a thorn, just a thorn. And really, amen – the thought of being that intimate with the One who created everything – it really is beyond imagination. And I also couldn’t live without it. And this particular flare up of the sleep thing IS temporary – it always lasts one, two, three, maybe four days in a row – then it breaks. The good news is, the first day back to regular “bad” sleep – and feeling “not very good” – will feel great. Everything is relative ツ God bless you Carrie, and Merry Christmas.

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Katie December 19, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I understand the darkness overwhelming…….. and plowing ahead……… my anxiety can so overwhelm me that it turns into the depression, then it takes me a while to climb out. Praying for you.

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Craig December 19, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Katie, at the beginning of the “sleep thing” I was put on all of the antidepressants at one time or another – they neither affected the sleep, nor did they do anything for how I view things. This particular depression is oh so definitely sleep-related. The more the sleep approaches normal – the more hopeful I am – the more it goes haywire – the darker things get. This will pass. This will pass. And Katie, thank you – and God bless you.

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Katie December 19, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I totally understand, no sleep = depression. NO sleep affects so many areas of our health. Anti-depressants do not help you sleep.

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donna rae December 19, 2011 at 4:11 pm

So grateful for the edits… so thankful we are not left in our state of error. And so grateful for your honest and ever-praising post. Be well, Craig, and may you feel His presence so near this Christmas!

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Craig December 20, 2011 at 11:05 am

I was never a big fan of the red pen – but when it’s handled with love – the editing is a good thing. Thank you Donna Rae, sometimes when I write now – I get a little spill-ish – but God wants us to be spill-ish with each other – and with him. As I write this to you the sleep is now back to “not horrible” – which feels really good compared to the last three days – that’s the good thing about feeling really bad – it feels really good when it’s over – even if you still don’t feel really good. Anyway, thank you again, and Merry Christmas!

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Ruthiey December 19, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Craig, I wanted you to know that your Love says Thank-you 1000 times posts made it onto my 1000 gifts list! I am so blessed by your faith and your perspective on difficult issues.

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Craig December 20, 2011 at 11:17 am

just read you – always a happy thing to read you – I didn’t see me though – unless I’m the blogger who loves Jesus – that could be me ツand thank you Ruthiey, I don’t have enough faith, I don’t see with God’s eyes well enough, or often enough – but thank you. Merry Christmas!

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Mari December 19, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I love that you are able to count blessings even when you are feeling this way. I know the insomnia and goes for you but I still pray that it “goes” away tonight and doesnt come back (b/c nothing is impossible, right?)

p.s Thanks for your comment on my blog, it made me laugh. No, not pregnant here! (unless it was the Holy Spirit, lol) those pictures are some I took of my cousin. How exiting for your sister though, twins!

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Craig December 20, 2011 at 11:22 am

first, I thought that was awfully quick pregnancy ツ and the pictures were little so I couldn’t tell exactly who that was. And my sister is worried like crazy over being the mom of twin girls – she has a one-year-old already. She’ll do fine though. Sometimes, by the way, I worry that people won’t want to read the harder hallelujahs, I feel like I’m whining, but I’m just being spilly – this year of “connect” is nearly done – and it is made me very spilly. no masks. Thank you for your prayers – as I write this to you the horrible non sleep streak is over – I’m rebounding. It’ll be back – but tomorrow is tomorrow. And it’s gray and dreary outside – but already not so great in dreary inside. God bless you Mari, and Merry Christmas!

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Debra December 19, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Love this line: …”that God edits our life, till there’s no sin, no imperfection, and makes it possible for us to live forever with him, in bliss.” Can I steal it?
I recently made a discovery about insomnia. And this may not apply to you (so don’t necessarily take it as advice), but it does apply to me. If I’m on a creative roll, that’s when thoughts keep me awake. All these great ideas flowing like a faucet, and I find myself saying, “Hey, that’s great; I hope I don’t forget it 😉 Should I get up and write it down now, or just hope that I remember it tomorrow when I need it.” Then I’ll pray and ask the Holy Spirit to remind me. But it’s all those thoughts that keep me awake. Have you ever tried centering prayer? Just curious. It works wonders for me. I think I’ll do a post on it first of the New Year.
Love, joy, and peace!!!

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Craig December 20, 2011 at 11:27 am

Debra, steal away! And with me – it’s not the thoughts that keep me awake – falling asleep is not the problem – the brain just doesn’t let me stay asleep – a good night is waking five times in seven hours – a bad night – well these last three were bad – and that means waking every 15 to 30 min. Yes, by the way, I’ve tried centering prayer, all sorts of prayer, and doctors, and acupuncturists, and herbalists, and chiropractors, and psychologists, and hypnotists, I’ve seen a lot of it”ists” – I’m really thinking by now there may not be an answer – we’ll just have to cope with the thorn in the side. Anyway, thank you Debra, and God bless you, and Merry Christmas.

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Debra December 19, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Craig, I just backtracked and read some of the recent drama, the inane tweets, etc. That kind of stuff is just too juvenile to lose sleep over (figuratively and literally speaking). It just shows the degree of immaturity some are capable of displaying.
But worst of all, it reveals the heart. To the pure, all things are pure… and blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God. If one is pure of heart, one will not only recognize the purity in another, but will also discern God in another. Because this purity is also in them, and it takes one to know one – pure heart that is. Not everything is what is appears to be. You see on the surface a halo, but on the inside, well, you never know. But you do know a tree by its fruit. And what came from these tweets was just bad fruit. And out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

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Craig December 20, 2011 at 11:31 am

Debra, I went through my angry part, Then I went through the introspection part, Then I went through the forgiving part. and I get her reaction – and I get how she went to her friends for support – and I get how they supported her – I went to my friends for support and they supported me too – just different friends – different support. I am a rarity in this community – and I just have to understand that some people will never really accept me here. I’ll just have to be okay with that. Tougher skin. Anyway, thank you, God bless.

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Debbie December 20, 2011 at 12:59 am

Praying for you, Craig. Sorry I didn’t read this earlier to pray sooner, specifically, since it’s been extra bad these last 3 days. And that you still post and praise Him . . .He loves that. So do I. God bless you and give you rest.

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Craig December 20, 2011 at 11:34 am

well, you’ve been reading me a year now, and you know that this is my thorn. It’s been horrible, it’s been worse, but today as I write, it’s a little better. And this saying thank you thing – it’s been a far bigger blessing than I would’ve thought. Merry Christmas Debbie!

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