Love believes BIG through the little OR the big

by Craig on March 18, 2012

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There are women crying for You, Lord…
maybe for show…maybe for real.

But they don’t do what Veronica did…and bravely and kindly…help You.
They don’t do what Mary did…and rush to be near You….and stay till the end.
They don’t even do what Simon of Cyrene did…begrudgingly ease Your burden.

They don’t approach…
they pour out tears instead of love…
they call attention to themselves.

Is this why You admonish them?

Do they not understand that the Son of God must die in order to bring life?
Is this why You tell them they should weep for their children – not You?

Are they so attached to this life, like I am so attached to this life, like we are so attached to this life, that we cry if we find out we are dying, or because someone we love is dying…or has died, and we can only think of them not being here

and we don’t believe enough…
to see beyond this life…
and really believe there is more.

Maybe this is why I don’t dive…
but tip toe, oh so timidly to the edge…

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look down…
and either turn back…
or jump…fingers crossed…

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I remember when Sara was dying.
I remember my tears…
constant, persistent flow…
for days and days and weeks.

She lived a hard life so fully.
She walked with death stalking her…
so bravely and openly.

My tears were for her struggle.
They didn’t end until her memorial service…
where, by her own recorded words and songs…
she finally convinced me to see with better eyes.

I do believe there is life after this life…but she believed harder…and better.

And she believed more than life after death. In constant pain…She. Chose. Joy.

And I think…

what great accomplishment is it to believe in eternal life if I don’t ferociously believe that You are here in the smaller trial, the daily trial, my failure, my rejection, my embarrassment, my illness, my loss, my uncertainty, my doubt, my real or imagined fears, my sadness, or my betrayal….

the little things that join together to weigh me down.

If I believe that You are who I say I believe You are…
I need to let You in…
involve You in the smallest of things…
trust You in the biggest of them.

When I close You out…

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…I don’t move forward.

Why do I deprive myself of Your help…
and shed tears that bring no assistance…
like these women along Your path?

I judge Pharisees but I am a Pharisee.
I judge Rome…uncaring and cold…but I am Rome.
I judge the soldiers, but I drove the nails into Your flesh.

I judge these women, but I am these women.

Oh me…

Of. Little. Faith.

{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Katie March 18, 2012 at 9:45 pm

“what great accomplishment is it to believe in eternal life if I don’t ferociously believe that You are here in the smaller trial, the daily trial, my failure, my rejection, my embarrassment, my illness, my loss, my uncertainty, my doubt, my real or imagined fears, my sadness, or my betrayal…”

“If I believe that You are who I say I believe You are…
I need to let You in…
involve You in the smallest of things…
trust You in the biggest of them.”

Wise words…. sorry I have been gone. I have been keeping up and reading your journey. Just dealing with a lot internal right now. Thank you.

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Craig March 19, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Katie, if only I would listen to what I write more often. My mom always said, “practice what you preach”. Just today I didn’t practice it – I didn’t see God in the smaller trial – the daily trial – my failure – I only saw me. I’m a little teary as I write this – because by quoting my words in your comment – you forced me to listen to myself – oh me of little faith. I know you’re dealing with things – I know it’s a struggle – I have prayed for you – hang in there my friend – be a better leaner on God then I proved to be today – ok?

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Katie March 19, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Craig is so much easier to say than to DO. I get it. I know I don’t always practice what I have said to others either. Just keep at it and keep trusting. I don’t see God in the small trial or the big one, but right now my trials are so huge and overwhelming I don’t see the small trials either. I only see me and my failure. I am trusting what two dear friends are pointing out to me that are God and victories.

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Michelle March 19, 2012 at 4:40 am

What Katie said.

Even the last paragraph! I have been reading, but not commenting on anyone because it has been too much effort. And yet I cannot say that I am doing more, just that there is more happening on a different level. Changes at work which need to be processed (someone I love leaving, and another cutting back her hours – I will miss them both) …… just ……. stuff. And I don’t turn on my computer very often, so I have a couple of hours reading when I do, and by then I’m ready for sleep.

But I am glad I read you today, because I need to print this out and give to a friend after a conversation with her yesterday after church. About her intimacy with God struggles. This ….. is what I think she needs right now. :) So thank you.

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Craig March 19, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Michelle!!!! so good to see you – just seeing your name made me smile. I know – I KNOW that there are so many people out there to read – and so much life that must be lived instead of the reading – I don’t get to read everyone that I heart enough – nor do I get to comment as much as I’d like – so I get it. I was just worried about you – I figured something might be going on – I just had a prayer for you – for the work situation, for any other trial that’s going on that I don’t even know about – but God does. It was Ann Voskamp in an e-mail after one of the bigger trials I’ve had in this blogging community, her words are so gracious even in an e-mail to someone she’s never met – “Jesus cups us close” – I prayed for Jesus to cup you close. Thank you Michelle – thank you. God bless you!

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Stacy March 19, 2012 at 9:58 am

Your posts always touch something in the very core of me and give me much to think about….I just don’t always know how to respond to the things you have stirred.

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Craig March 19, 2012 at 5:44 pm

thank you Stacy – that means more to me than you can know – really it does, so thank you, and God bless and keep you

PS and did I say thank you?

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Tina March 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

These words are so true that they really struck me deep:

If I believe that You are who I say I believe You are…
I need to let You in…
involve You in the smallest of things…
trust You in the biggest of them.

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Craig March 19, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Tina, I’m going to start off by telling you what I told Katie in response to her comment,

…if only I would listen to what I write more often. My mom always said, “practice what you preach”. Just today I didn’t practice it – I didn’t see God in the smaller trial – the daily trial – my failure – I only saw me. I’m a little teary as I write this – because by quoting my words in your comment – you forced me to listen to myself – oh me of little faith.

You forced me to read my words too – I wasn’t practicing what I preached even today – everything is so easy in theory – and this grace that’s extended to us – how important is THAT?! We fail, we falter, we worry, we miss the mark, and we just need to let HIM in the very start of any of that. Thank you very much, you were a blessing to me today. God bless and keep you!

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Lisa Maria March 19, 2012 at 11:32 am

As usual Craig, you get people to think…hard! Sometimes its hard to do such deep introspection, but I think you write words that touch the heart and resonates within. We see ourselves in your writing. Trust…complete and absolute. Its so hard, but so freeing…and so hard-earned. When all you can do is lean on Him because you are so low that there is nowhere else to go but up..into His arms…that’s when you learn the lesson about trust.

Thanks for the inspiration. May God continue to bless and guide you.

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Craig March 19, 2012 at 5:52 pm

so much of what I could say to you here is what I already said to you in my reply to your last comment on the other “deep” – I’ll just settle for thank you here – thank you Lisa Maria! And I guess I’ll had – sometimes when were so low we have nowhere else to reach – we STILL don’t reach out for the ONE we should reach to from the beginning. May God bless and guide you too my friend.

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Mari March 19, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Wow! This “we don’t believe enough…to see beyond this life…and really believe there is more” I am always so glad to read your words; your honesty. No sugar-coating, which is what we need! From the comments I take I am not the only one who has been quiet here in the internets 😉 (But I did post today, b/c u said so!) Grace and blessings to you this week, my friend

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Craig March 19, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I pretended for a lot of years Mari…we Christians are SO SO good at pretending – playing the Christian game – all faith, never a doubt, never a worry, everything’s “fine” – but with last year being named “connect” and this one being “see” I have had blinders fall off – everybody’s broken – we should just admit it and come alongside each other. No? I’ll be by soon. Grace to you too Mari.

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PollyMayforthKrause (@LittleLunchGirl) March 19, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I love this. I love the idea that if we say we believe in eternal life with God, we must say we believe in His presence NOW. Eternal life has already started and we are to live like we believe this. Brilliant. Thanks Craig!

Wishing you unimaginable joy,

Polly

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Craig March 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Amen Polly, today IS part of eternity – we don’t “wait” for eternal life – eternal life IS now. That was a little truth wrapped up in a bigger statement – it takes good eyes to see that – thank you for your better eyes. God bless and keep you, and thank you again Polly.

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Layla Payton March 21, 2012 at 12:33 am

What a truly beautiful post.

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Craig March 21, 2012 at 7:23 am

Just repeating what was given to me – that’s all – and believe me, there were many times that I thought of you and your condition during the fast. Thank you Leila, and God bless you my friend.

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