Love clings to real

by Craig on June 12, 2012

A week with no sleep...it's a different reality...source

I have not been in our reality.

It was 170 hours or so with no sleep.

I’ll get those numbers out of the way first.

It happens…

three times over the last three years…never this bad

It’s part of what I call my “sleep thing”.

Technically it’s “latent insomnia”.

And it seems, after 15 years, to be nigh incurable.

So no sleep? It’s just my thorn in the side. Every Christian likely has a thorn.

I’ve never fully explained my “sleep thing” to you.
But as faith and love defines me, this does as well.

I’ve alluded to it…
it always feels like whining…
so I stop.

But I should open all the way up. Right?

It’s time for all the “sleep” posts to be in one place, so I can refer to them it with the easy and simple words, “the sleep thing” from here on out. This way I won’t whine about it all it all the time, and should anyone not know the details but want to, they’ll only be a click away.

It’s a war.
I’m not winning…

source

but I won’t surrender.

Anyway…

This last week…
I’ve been in a different universe…
for a while both feet planted here…
for a while only one…
as I began to disappear…

and for a while…

only Laska the Love Kitty…occasionally…tethered me to this reality.

My hero.

I look at this “no sleep” scribbled out post where I explained it a little, and I’m surprised how rational it was.

And now two days removed I’ll share what this disappearing has been like…

Love shares you know…
it isn’t afraid of naked.

I’ve been a bit of  Alice Through the Looking Glass…
Lewis Carrol, not Disney…

source

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat:
“we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
You must be,” said the Cat,
“or you wouldn’t have come here.”

“Curiouser and curioser.”

And “off with her head”.

Not many know of what I’m about to write…

I wish I couldn’t tell it to you because I didn’t know.

But I do…

because though I’m returning…

It.

Hasn’t.

Gone.

Away.

{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

nancy June 12, 2012 at 2:41 pm

i’m just so glad you’re back — and never once did you whine. . .

Reply

Craig June 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm

not quite all the way back yet nancy – this time is different – it was longer than ever before- and the thing about dreams – they go away when you wake – when this happens everything you experience – from hallucinations, to great joys, to great terrors sticks in the mind more vivid than this moment. So not yet – working on it. :) Thank you. God bless.

Reply

nancy June 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

praying for you, Craig.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:42 pm

(◠‿◠)

Reply

Cora June 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

I can’t even imagine, Craig — can’t put myself into your shoes or even begin to understand. You have been in my prayers constantly during the past week or so because I know HE understands and was there with you through it all. I prayed that He would build that hedge of protection around you and keep you safe and that somehow, through it all, you would be aware of His presence. I’m just glad to see you here today.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Cora, I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

and Cora, I’m sure God was there – but I couldn’t feel him one bit – he wasn’t in the single hallucination, nor any dream – only when Laska the Love Kitty would bring me back – only then could I talk to him – and not even very well – but he WAS there – and your prayers helped – I KNOW they did. I’m not back yet her – I’m not sure how long it will take – uncharted territory – willfully. Thank you my friend.

Reply

Carrie June 12, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Craig, my heart breaks for you. I cannot relate to 150 hours. But I remember vividly the lack of sleep once my son was born and how it tore me apart physically and emotionally. I can’t fathom how you must be feeling. Please know you’re in my prayers. Blessings.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Carrie,

I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

and Carrie, before this happened, I could never understood the darkness and the actual psychosis that would result from this long without sleep – I haven’t slept more than three a half hours straight through in 15 years – my life is ALWAYS sleep deprived – it’s just my thorn – anyway, it’s never been to this level – and I’m not back from this yet – but I’m getting there. Thank you for your prayers – the prayers are still needed – this stepping back into reality is so much harder than I would ever have thought. I need prayer to not be “there’ but to be “here”. God bless you, and thank you.

Reply

Katie June 12, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I can’t imagine Craig. I am praying for you. Know that many of us are here to support you. But I know you know… God is with you and sees all you are going through.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

【ˆ◡ˆ】

Reply

thefisherlady June 12, 2012 at 11:29 pm

I have a very close friend who suffers the same way and it absolutely drains every bit of life out of her. And then it will get better for a while and then return again. She also draws close to the Lord. Still, it is always hard. I will continue to lift you both up to the throne of grace.
Your writing this was very beautifully done by the way…I especially enjoyed, ” Love shares you know…it isn’t afraid of naked.”
Thanks for sharing with us…for your nakedness
blessings and a good night’s rest to you Craig

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

ANd Susan, thankfully this is the very first time the “sleep thing” has gotten this bad. At this point in time, after 15 years, I think that a “good nights rest” is a little much to ask – right now, leaving behind the unreality that I lived in – the different world I should never have stepped into, which is NOT me, which should never be me, but was, I need help leaving that behind, or at least putting it in its place. I can’t move forward if it keeps tugging me back. Anyway, I have prayed for your friend – and just now for you – God bless and keep you – and thank you Susan.

Reply

Old Ollie - the tired monk June 13, 2012 at 12:39 pm

great poem – excellent style

Reply

Sharon @ Hiking Toward Home June 13, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Like Carrie, I too can relate to how messed up lack of sleep can tear you apart. Depression can also cause a debilitating lack of sleep as well. I had that for a while and the insomnia doesn’t seem as ‘in my face’ as it was but it does continue to lurk in the background due to a medication I am taking currently. Though through all that, I have never been anywhere close to the shoes you walk in.
Praying for you Craig.
P. S. stop by and see… though I’ve gotten sidetracked a lot by life… It is finished. :-)
http://hikingtowardhome.com/2012/06/fear-faced-it-is-finished/

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

and I’ll be honest, Sharon, without the prayers of people who actually were actually coherent, while I wasn’t, I’m not sure if I would’ve locked that door – and if I hadn’t locked the door – I’m not sure what would’ve happened. I’m on my way over to your place now – it’ll be the first of the blogs that I heart that I have been able to read since this time. By the time you read this, I’ll already have been to your place. God bless you Sharon.

Reply

happygirl June 13, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I know sleep issues. I can sleep, but my husband cannot. I thank God for ambien. It doesn’t mean he’s weak. It means he needs help turning off his mind. Better living through chemistry isn’t always a bad thing. God bless you.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

And I wish just one of the many, many, many chemicals that the doctors have tried for 15 years might have worked – none of them has – and after 15 years, there don’t seem to be any other options – just to live with this thorn – it has never gotten this bad – I have never gone 170 hours without sleep – just this once – and the thing is – the return trip from these hours is much harder than I would ever have imagined. Thank you for dropping by, sorry I’m so late to reply, God bless and keep you.

Reply

Mari June 13, 2012 at 6:56 pm

So glad to read your words. And no, your are not whining, only helping others who are out there with similar thorns.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Mari, I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

Mari, one more thing – just knowing that you were by to read this – it makes me smile – I always heart SO much when you come by. I’m clearly not all the way back yet – I’m not quite sure what “all the way back.” is – it’ll take time…time…

God bless and keep you, Mari.

Reply

Dea June 13, 2012 at 8:29 pm

I read no whiny words. Really feel for you. Must be really hard.
Visting from em’s…

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Dea, I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

And Dea, you didn’t leave a link to your blog, so I don’t know if you have one – if you do – I think I need to be reading, if you don’t – just thank you – really – just thank you – and God bless and keep you.

Reply

imperfect prose June 13, 2012 at 10:11 pm

oh my goodness craig. i’m so sorry. i went through insomnia for a year and a half while i had anorexia. like someone said above, it was related to my depression during that time. mind whirring, never stopping. i tried every kind of sleep-aid. now i find reading eases me into sleep, such as reading the Bible. i often eat bananas and drink chamomile tea. i will pray for you hard tonight craig. you’re not alone. it often helped me to know that other people went through insomnia too. it makes the nights somehow more bearable. i’m so glad you have your kitty…. e.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 5:24 pm

First, Emily, I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

I keep meaning to write just ONE post where I can explain what I call “the sleep thing”. It’s been going on 15 years, scores of doctors, scores of treatment, none of it working – and what’s left are a bunch of doctors with their arms thrown in the air. But, it’s just my thorn – just my thorn – lots of Christians NEED thorns. I know I have. And my kitty, he really was the only thing nudging me back to reality – he’s lying next to me now as I write this. My furry little hero. Anyway, thank you as always. Emily, and by tomorrow I’ll send you my e-mail address – time has been – and continues to be – a little out of whack for me. Thank you for being patient. I know I will absolutely LOVE owning your art – and I know exactly where I’ll hang it. God bless and keep you Emily.

Reply

tara pohlkotte June 13, 2012 at 10:30 pm

oh, i know this full well. growing up i had insomnia issues myself – – even now, when i “don’t” it is usual for me to have between 4-5 hours of sleep on an average night. but wanting to sleep and not being able to? it is so, so hard.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 5:28 pm

First, Tara, I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

and, Tara, I wonder if insomnia is a sign of creativity – I’m a little bit creative – and I know from reading you how creative you are – everything has its price maybe. It’s been 15 years. This insomnia – and nobody has a cure – but it’s just my thorn, just my thorn. Anyway, I’m sorry for being so late to reply, thank you, thank you.

Reply

Cara @ WhimsySmitten June 13, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Love and peace to you, and prayer that deep, restful sleep will come soon.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I know it’s a highly unusual thing to be replying to comments that are more than a week old. This journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” To the “here and now”. It’s only in its infancy, and it’s going to take time. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time.

And Cara, if not for prayers, I’m not sure I would’ve made it through the 170 hours. After 15 years of this insomnia, and no doctor with a cure, I think it’ll take a miracle for it to go away – it’s my thorn, and there’s always a chance for a miracle, but as long as there is a need for this thorn I don’t want it to go away. God’s will be done. Thank you Cara, and God bless and keep you – and I’m sorry again that this is so late.

Reply

a soulful life June 14, 2012 at 6:15 am

Brene Brown recently said in her TED talk that courage is honesty. Thank you for being honest here Craig. It isn’t easy to leave ourselves so open. Especially as a Christian we feel like we have to put on a brave face. Jesus meets us where we meet one another, in the “thin” places :) The places where we can really “see” one another.
I’ll pray for you today :)
And this, have a couple of glasses of wine, switch off the internet, do something that brings you joy. All these things help aid sleep. Insomnia is a horrible, horrible thing. I’ve had it only a couple of times in my life.
(((HUGS)))

Reply

Craig June 25, 2012 at 11:20 am

First of all, I’m sorry for replying to your comment more than a week after you left it. But this journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” to the “here and now”. It’s not an overnight trip. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. Continuing to blog has been a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again and I’ll be visiting you. One step at a time. and thank you, particularly for this, “Jesus meets us where we meet one another, in the “thin” places” – it IS so true that we Christians are afraid to share the thinner parts of ourselves with each other. It shouldn’t be like that. Thank you for your prayers – I have been sustained by prayer – I know that. And thank you for your suggestions about sleep – I do have to let you know that the sleep thing has been a 15 year long battle – it’s just this seven days with no sleep that is highly unusual – and will take some time to get over – you’d think the psychological impact of it would be gone – but it lingers. All those things you mentioned – what the professionals call “sleep hygiene”. I do that – I’ve done everything – all the medications, all the alternative treatments, sleep hygiene, it’s just my thorn in the side – if God takes it I’ll praise him, if he leaves it, I’ll know it’s there for good reason, and I’ll praise him. Anyway, thank you very much, and God bless and keep you.

Reply

Nancy Franson June 14, 2012 at 8:22 am

Joining in prayer with others. I’ve known these sleepless seasons as well. And, yes, it is warfare. Blessings.

Reply

Craig June 25, 2012 at 10:47 am

I know it’s a little different to be replying to your comment more than a week later. But this journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” to the “here and now”. It’s not an overnight trip. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time. thank you, Nancy – my life has been, for 15 years, a “sleepless season.”. This was different – seven days without sleep is something I’ve never confronted before – the effects are long reaching. We’ll get there. Blessings to you to.

Reply

suzannah | the smitten word June 14, 2012 at 9:01 am

praying, craig. a loved one battled something similar, and i know how scary it can be.

Reply

Craig June 25, 2012 at 10:52 am

First of all, I’m sorry for replying to your comment more than a week after you left it. But this journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” to the “here and now”. It’s not an overnight trip. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. Continuing to blog has been a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again and I’ll be visiting you. One step at a time. And thank you for your prayers – prayers have been felt – wind beneath wings. God bless you Suzannah.

Reply

Danelle June 14, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Praying for you Craig. Right now. Just wanted you to know. **

Reply

Craig June 25, 2012 at 10:54 am

First of all, I’m sorry for replying to your comment more than a week after you left it. But this journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” to the “here and now”. It’s not an overnight trip. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. Continuing to blog has been a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again and I’ll be visiting you. One step at a time. And Danelle, thank you for your prayers – I know I’ve been strengthened by prayers. I think God really likes it when we pray for each other. Thank you, thank you, and God bless and keep you.

Reply

Michelle June 15, 2012 at 4:50 am

Praying, and trusting God with you.

Reply

Caddo Veil June 15, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Craig–I can’t even imagine what the sleep thing (no sleep) must be like, seriously. But I CAN tell you that every night when I crawl–half-asleep already–into bed, I pray for ALL of my blog family. I don’t always remember each name–but God does. May He bless you abundantly, day and night. love, sis Caddo

Reply

Craig June 25, 2012 at 10:56 am

thank you my friend, and believe me, I was sustained by prayers like yours – not quite all the way back – but I’ll get there. God bless and keep you Caddo.

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 12 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: