Love says no sleep thank you’s

by Craig on June 18, 2012

170 hours of no sleep means hallucination after hallucinationsource

The body can recuperate….
from 170 hours of no sleep…
and it has…remarkably well.

I’m exhausted, but that’s my normal sleep deprived self.

That’s my thorn.
That’s OK.
Everybody has one.

Love isn’t thorn free.

But what’s not back yet…

my mind…
my spirit…
my attention…

they are constantly being drawn to those hours…
to those days which seemed like lifetimes…
those hallucinations…from sublime to horrific…
where the not real became more real than actual reality.

They were uninvited…
and they are lingering…

invading.

What I lived inside those “no sleep” hallucinations seems just as much a part of my history…as my actual history.

But I’m talking to Our Lord all the time.

I’m fighting…fits and starts…

It's a perilous journey back after 170 hours of no sleepsource

Yeah, like that…like a baby sea turtle heading toward the water.

Can I tell you a little about those 170 hours with no sleep?

The 1st and 2nd night…
even the 3rd into the 4th…
thinking is harder, everything is.
But you can keep it together.

You can write, tweet, read others, and do life…
not very well…but still…this world stays pretty intact.

It’s the 5th day when reality falls apart.

It’s all voices and shadows and spiders…
everything is scary…everything is unsure.

On the 5th day I locked the door and kept it locked.

“Things” were speaking to me…
and always from behind…
or to the side, just out of view.

The 5th day, into the 6th, 7th, and 8th…
walls moved…shadows with claws were everywhere…
and I wasn’t able to get away from all those spiders.

And somewhere in those days there was…a murder.
I know it wasn’t real…but it was, and is, real to me.

To know it wasn’t real doesn’t make it fade.

I have to keep writing of this.

Don’t everyone leave all at once. (°_o)

Oh…

And my scribbly thank you’s…

#942… that through the swirling darkness, I was alone…but never alone. There was…and is…constant Light in every shadowy corner of me.

#943… that, go figure, my tether to reality during those days was Laska the Love Kitty.

His meowing, pawing my face, and generally making a nuisance of himself…it consistently jolted me back from “there and nowhere” to “here and now”.

#944… for bloggy friends who forgive me for not replying to comments – or reading you for so long. You, who are just too full of grace, understanding, faithfulness and love.

#945… that this struggle will not be my end. In the hallucinations I met my end. I met it a number of times. But it wasn’t real. Real is life, and love, and death…and eternal life.

#946… for this year named “see”…oh…the things I have seen…

#947… that I have a God to say thank you to. A real. personal. living. God. I once didn’t…so many don’t. I’m sorry they don’t, I’m so grateful I do.

 

If you don’t know of this sleepless journey, please follow these no sleep links…

Scribbly thank yous after 56 no sleep hours

Gathering darkness after 80 no sleep hours

Only words, and not good ones after 150 hours of no sleep

The aftermath after the 170 hours of no sleep

Resisting no sleep gravity

The no sleep white rabbit

The dodgy ascent from the descent

 

linking today with the gracious Ann…

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Dawn B June 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I saw your thumbnail at Ann’s and I said, “Thank you, God.” I have begun prayer biking. I don’t know of another person who does it, but I am out on my bicycle by myself a lot. Most days I pedal a couple of hours. I have begun to pray the miles away. I have heard of prayer walking, which is what gave me the idea. Anyway, you are prayed for through one of my miles. I take you to the throne of grace…and the Love Kitty, too, for He is your companion and helper.

Lending my prayer support as you “fight” this “thing”,
Dawn

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Dawn, I never really intended it – but my daily walks with Laska the Love Kitty – I get a good deal of praying done during them – so I guess they are prayer “walks” – thank you for your prayers – I have FELT the prayers – after the week with no sleep – for a week sleep was better than it has been for years – it’s back to its old self now – but I’ll take what I can get. And this will be a fight – and won’t be over too quickly – and I don’t think drugs will be the answer – God bless you Dawn, thank you my friend.

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Caddo Veil June 18, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Craig, this just sounds so scary–I am thankful Jesus is right there with you through it all, and will keep up my nightly prayers for you. God bless you–love, sis Caddo

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Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Caddo, funny, I’m sure God was there with me IN the hallucinations – but he wasn’t IN any hallucination. I hadn’t thought of that till just now. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers – I think prayers kept my little nose above the water line. God bless and keep you.

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Katie June 18, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Craig,
I am just glad you are back from the dark hours, even though the memories of them do not fade away and stay with you. #942 — you hit the nail on the head, YOU were NOT alone, — remember the quote I have used in my story and I think told you before from my friend —

“I would rather walk in the darkness with Jesus than the light alone.” You had Jesus with you in the dark times and memories, even if it seems like he wasn’t.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:33 pm

As I just wrote to someone else, “I’m sure God was there with me IN the hallucinations – but he wasn’t IN any hallucination. I hadn’t thought of that till just now.” HE was there – but he certainly wasn’t visible – or at least to me – HE has been much more visible since those days were over. What is there without faith? Thank you Katie – God bless you.

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A. June 22, 2012 at 8:13 am

Craig, praying and glad you have had some reprieve, wow. Praying some more for you.

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A. June 22, 2012 at 8:14 am

Love prays.

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Craig June 22, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I think, A. the biggest thing is the returning from where I was – as horrible and dark as it was – as costly – it is still winsome in its own way – I can’t really explain it – but I need to be HERE – NOW – no matter how hard “THERE – and NOWHERE tugs. It’s just so much harder than it sounds. Hard to explain. Miss you when you’re gone by the way. I miss ME when I’m gone too – I’m not quite back yet – you’re not out of the quicksand I guess till you’re OUT of the quicksand. God bless – A. and thank you.

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