There were shadows always circling…whispering.
Nothing stayed still: walls, pillows, forks, cups.
Windows were portals to places inviting and terrifying…
and mirrors became windows to the “there and nowhere”.
Everything unreal became my solid reality.
The fears, heartaches, longings, captured me.
I couldn’t escape. The gravity held me tight.
It was all from that week of no sleep. None of it was real, but it all still remains real to me. In many ways still more real than life. For the last four days of that week with no sleep it was all “down the rabbit hole” and too many times, “off with your head”.
I know now that what began as no sleep turned to hallucination…
and as time without sleep continued, hallucination befriended psychosis…
and then, both were houseguests until finally, after 170 hours, my body shut down.
The sleep forced away everything unreal that felt more real than real.
I need to make it clear.
Now, with bits and pieces of returning sleep…
there is no hallucination, no psychotic break.
But everything is a cloud.
There’s a cost with being “there and nowhere” for too long.
I pay off that debt every minute of each day. It is relentless.
The memory of the horrific fear…
remains a giant anchor holding me fast.
It’s like the ship is moving forward, but the captain of the ship can’t pull the anchor up.
During those last four days of no sleep I was anchored securely to “there and nowhere”.
And the ship is sputtering along in “here and now” waters.
But the anchor trails behind, scraping debris off the seafloor.
The problem remains twofold.
Nightmarish memory still chases and tugs.
But the lovely things…and there were lovely things.
The romance, and love, and being lost in in the gaze…
lifetimes of memories lived, and happiness, and grace
That part of the “there and nowhere”…
it doesn’t chase me…I chase and cling to it.
Here and now is the only thing that exists.
God is in the here and now.
I’m fighting desperately hard.
Doctors and psychiatrists are helpful…
but God is the gravity pulling me through…
like always.
Still, those anchors…
Oh. Those. Anchors.
And if you know nothing of this present battle…
but are kind enough to wonder about it…
here are the links which will explain it all.
Scribbly thank yous after 56 no sleep hours
Gathering darkness after 80 no sleep hours
Only words, and not good ones after 150 hours of no sleep
The aftermath after the 170 hours of no sleep
The dodgy ascent from the descent
No sleep, down the rabbit hole, thank you’s to God.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
God is the best anchor! People and community (doctors also) are helpful and God uses them. I am going to email you something privately.
thanks for the email Katie. Thanks for being here. I’ve always been more apt to go to GOd before any of his children – it has it’s good and bad points – I’m going directly to him with this – and I really think HE’s the way to the other side – the doctors are aware – we’ll see – step by step – God bless my friend.
God IS the best anchor. Sometimes, when it is difficult to grasp His rope directly, He provides Himself through others. I am so glad He helps us in our ‘infirmities’ in this way…when we are wobbly, when we see through a glass darkly-sometimes very darkly.
You know I am praying for you, Craig.
I know A. You know I’m grateful – thank you friend – so many thanks!!
“Doctors and psychiatrists are helpful…
but God is the gravity pulling me through…
like always.”
For that, I am glad.
He’s the only one who knows EVERYTHING and knows it better than I do Michelle. I didn’t go to him enough on this at the start – tired on my own – but He’s the key. Like I said…always is. God bless Michelle!!!
Dear Craig,
It occurred to me that you suffer post traumatic stress disorder and it cycles and flares. I am so thankful you are seeing someone who knows about these things. I am also thankful you know the One who knows ALL things. He truly is our anchor.
Praying still,
Dawn
PS a nice side benefit to coming here today is that I know A is out there somewhere. Praise and thanksgiving for that, too.
Your friend is so wise! PTSD is a very real possibility. I was thinking that you were showing signs of this, as ANYONE would! Oh, friend…I pray you find rest. Hold fast to the Lord. He truly is the one and only Anchor.
Layla – PTSD – whatever it is – I’ll keep holding on – wobbly and all – just as I know you have. God bless you Layla!!! the brain!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..
How come you’re not my doctor – or at least my nurse!! I’m not sure what my brain is still doing. All I know is where I was still claws at me – it finds me, grrrrrrrrr.
I’m getting there – so much damage has been done – I’ll just keep moving forward.
God bless Dawn!!
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