Love is not prone to embarrassment

by Craig on August 10, 2012

Love is faith.

I have faith.

Faith sees difficulties as hills to be traversed in order to attain the mountaintop.

Faith keeps moving through wind and storm and tempest.

I have faith….but “size too small” faith…less than the size of a mustard seed.

These last three months…
descending down the rabbit hole….
trying to find my way back out…
life has shattered into pieces.

It’s not the first time, nor the last, I’m sure, that the parable of the palace…
the story of God piecing together the shatters of life, has perfectly applied.

I haven’t had faith enough.
I haven’t had vision enough.
I haven’t fought hard enough.

The “there and nowhere” still beckons constantly…unrelenting, like a siren.

Since those 7 days with no sleep doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists have tried in their own way, but have been of little help. “Here and now” is shaky ground still.

source

Life before the 7 days was no holiday. But it’s a pretty horrid mess right now.
If you saw it, unfiltered by my pretty words, you’d recoil – want to look away.

I can’t see it very well from inside the storm…
but apparently it’s obvious from the outside.

I’ve seen lives like that.

I’ve never seen my life like that.

The thing about blogging is that though I am absolutely transparent here, it’s still transparency behind a computer screen. You know I’ve struggled through this. But you haven’t seen my apartment…the piles of undone laundry…the piles of unpaid bills.

The situation is dire, but there hasn’t been enough of me present to see it.

However, my baby sister…who is present enough, has seen.
She’s terrified, worried, stressed, and fearful for my very life.

And this is where love comes in.

Because to know that my situation strikes that kind of strong emotion in my sister – that’s embarrassing to me. It’s embarrassing to admit it to you. It’s embarrassing for anybody to know.

Adam and Eve weren’t embarrassed until they allowed pride to enter the Garden.

Embarrassment sprouts fast and full from seeds of pride.

source

Love is not proud.

It is not prone to embarrassment.

 

And this embarrassment of mine…

it reveals a lack of love…

and the presence of pride.

Pride. Kills. Love.

I never thought of it quite that way before.

I think there’s a bit more to say…

but I’ve kept you long enough already…

please come back. 

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

nancy August 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

hi Craig. this subject of pride is beating me to death this week. well, not to death because so far i am refusing to die, which i guess is the main problem isn’t it? thank you for your transparency here. when i want to be transparent something takes over my mind and i fail. miserably. how do you get to the point where love is not embarassed? this is like a foreign language to me, but i so want to learn. help? and you haven’t kept me at all. i could read this for days. please hurry back. God bless you.

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Craig August 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Nancy, I guess we get to the point where we never get embarrassed when we love perfectly. That’s all it takes – perfect love. And that’s not going to happen in this life – the best we can do is the quest for perfection and grace for the quest. And as I said, as well, it was once hard for me to be transparent it all, then was easy for me to be transparent here, I still need to be more transparent in life. Piece by piece – piece by piece. God bless and keep you and thank you, Nancy.

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Katie August 10, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Know you are not alone in your struggle to come back…….. your issue may be different than mine or others, but you are not alone. You have your sister, and her darling children. You have your freinds………here and in real life. Above that you have GOD watching over you. He sees beyond the mess of our lives and hearts…… to what HE is transforming us to become.

My place is a disaster since I have started struggling again. I just do one little bit at a time and if that is all I can do, that is it. :)

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Craig August 11, 2012 at 12:13 pm

one thing I know, and I write this with a smile, is what I told my sister. I reminded her to remember what my bedroom looked like growing up. It wasn’t like her bedroom – her bedroom was always pristine – I always evaluated the cleanliness of my room by the amount of clear walking space on the floor – anything approaching 50% for me was clean. Not so much for my mother – but for me. So, with a smile. I say, there is still about 40% walking room on the floor. As my brain keeps coming back bit by bit – everything else will come back – I’ll just keep walking into the wind – and I just prayed for your struggles too – and you know, I consider the pleasure to do. God bless and keep you. Katie.

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Sabrina August 18, 2012 at 12:38 am

We cannot add aniynthg to his glory, just as it would be impossible for us to make the sun shine brighter. But we are commanded to recognize his glory, honor his glory, declare his glory, praise his glory, reflect his glory, and live for his glory.

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Craig August 18, 2012 at 7:07 am

And since I think you are from France – je parle francais un peau. Nous sommes comme la lune. Nous reflétons la gloire de Dieu. Nous sommes des créations. Nous reflétons. Aucune lumière humaine est assez. J’ai été béni par vos mots. Merci. Dieu bénit et vous garde, Sabrina.

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Marlo T Wells August 11, 2012 at 11:12 am

Craig~

You are precious. You are dear. You are loved. You are a beautiful soul.

~marlo

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Craig August 11, 2012 at 12:17 pm

not really so precious – just your normal run-of-the-mill struggling, “faith too little.”, broken Christian – just like all of us. The same thing with dear – the same thing with loved – but the soul is beautiful – imperfect as I am – somehow he makes my soul beautiful. That’s all him – more of him – less of me. Thank you. Marlo, thank you, and God bless and keep you!

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Caddo Veil August 11, 2012 at 11:50 am

Heartbreaking, Craig–continuing prayers for you (and you can pray back, please). God bless you abundantly–your sis, Caddo

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Craig August 11, 2012 at 12:20 pm

see, even now – after admitting publicly how horrible things are – my first response to your statement is to say, “things really aren’t that horrible,”. UGH!!!! will I ever learn? But thank you Caddo, and I just finished praying back for you – you know I heart doing so. God bless and keep you Caddo.

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Caddo Veil August 11, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Yeah, I KNOW how that goes–I just posted a poem, “Truth Serum”, that you might want to read. I get brave and tell “horrible”, then want to quick tell a joke… people generally “can’t handle the truth”. God bless you–soldier on, Craig.

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Lisa Maria August 14, 2012 at 7:08 am

I kind of know what the mess looks like Craig…my own experience is that I struggle to care about the mundane, the dirt, the mess, the food even. What are all those things in the face of trying to process what life has thrown at you…maybe that’s called depression in clinical terms? What I am slowly coming back to is t he truth that God is the only answer, the doctors, the meds… they aren’t the true answer…He is our All, our Divine Physician, our Provider. In Him lies the answer to all that ails. I SHOULD know this…been there before, but there’s nothing so stubborn as the human mind that WILL cling to the bad and forget the good when the ‘rabbit hole’ looms or the ‘tornado’ whips into a frenzy.

Blessings to you Craig…you are NOT alone in this. Thank God for friends who pray, support and love on us. Hang in there…a lot of people are praying with you and for you!

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Craig August 18, 2012 at 7:02 am

Lisa Maria, your prayers are always so very welcome – and so very needed. This human mind of ours is a powerful thing. I know there is purpose in this – because God has allowed this – and what he has allowed I’m okay with. Thank you for being there, thank you for being kind, thank you for staying with me through this struggle – even as you go through a mighty one of your own. God bless and keep you my friend.

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