Love shows up

by Craig on October 21, 2012

My brain is a little broken.

My dance with other reality has cost me all my money, too much time, too much emotion, taken my focus off of close and personal connection with God – and others. It has been a siren I tried to escape early, but couldn’t.

Sirens wreck havoc.

During those 7 days with no sleep my brain broke.

My grasp on reality has been intermittent at best. The doctors have told me, maybe because I told them, that the broken parts of my brain would come back together.

It hasn’t happened yet.

I’ve been trapped.

Every hour has been a struggle to remain grounded in reality.

It’s a very hard thing to explain, this skirting the line between real and delusion.

There are parts of me that want to keep grounded in the real, but also parts that cry for the not real. But I have to keep fighting and grab hold of every bit of real that these hands can carry – or else I’ll slip away…

and there may not be a way back.

I’ve gone about a week since posting. It’s as long as I have gone since I began blogging, I haven’t been replying to comments – and I promise I’ll reply to each one. But this forest I’m in is dark and deep. It’s been a monumental struggle to post every day – alternating between here and the other Deep.

So I’ll fight harder, and find a way to keep trudging on.
My life lies in rubble. But you can build out of rubble. No?

I’ve done it many times.

And my posts starting tomorrow will happen again, even if they be short. And my reading of people I have grown to respect and care for – it’ll begin again too…even if it be a struggle.

So a few more Sara posts. Then whatever is in me will become phrases and pictures.

One word.

Sorry.

Another word.

Fight.

Last word.

Love.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Katie October 21, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Dear Craig,

I so understand. I feel so broken right now — a different broken than you — but broken none the less. This year of loss for me, my job, my grandma, and now just this past week my aunt. Aunt Pat was my ONE person in my family who believed me about the abuse that happened even though she did not know for years later. I am in my anxiety/depression deep. I haven’t written much on my blog either, just bits here and there. The most I can do right now is sometimes read others and make comments. Do what you can do when you can do it. Give yourself some grace to just BE with the one who loves you most.

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A. October 24, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Katie, my heart goes out to you. You have suffered huge losses this year. I know the dark and anxiety-ridden places of depression, when life is in shades of gray, only, and a huge weight bears down on one’s chest every morning…sometimes all day long, for days and weeks and months and even years on end. I know these things first hand, though your circumstances are not identical to mine. I send you hugs, and I pray that our Father, too, will send you exactly what you need at this time, in the ways that He best knows. I pray for a reprieve in your depression, a true and lasting light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs!!!!…and tears, too, as my heart breaks for you in your pain and depression. I pray that Father will bless you tenderly, precious Sister!

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Katie October 24, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Thank you A. — and he has been so faithful to provide in so many ways. My depression is there but I am functioning at my new job, although it is part time. It is hard to decide if it is grief or depression at the moment — or both.

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A. October 24, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I pray, Father, that You will send Craig the healing, the encouragement, and the provisions that he needs. I pray that You will flood his life with Your love. I pray that You will send people into Craig’s days that can bless him for You, in person, also. This virtual stuff is so difficult sometimes because we can’t bring a casserole to Craig’s door, sit on his porch with him and listen to him, and then give him a hug afterwards. Dark and brain-broken places are hard; spirit-injured places are hard. Please send Craig comfort and healing, Father of Lights. Amen.

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Linda October 24, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Dear Craig,

Is there a reason why you no longer appear on my blogger feed???
For a moment I thought something had happened to you cause I saw no new posts! 😛

Reply

Linda October 24, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I’m sorry you are struggling. Remember we consider it PURE joy when faced with many trials (James 1) for God is at hand in His work in our lives. Be encouraged my friend. You are loved!

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