I had been blissfully planning on blogging. Because I think about God so much that my head explodes if I don’t talk or write about him.
Then, comes the still of a Friday night. The night I get my domain names. Fear rushes in, panic blooms like black roses – with thorns. It was fine when it was all a dream without substance. But now…
and I’m crushed under the weight.
It’s one thing to stand back, admire what your heroes do. It’s another to try to breathe the same air.
Horror runs unabated like wild horses on a hillside. No reining them in, no horse fast enough to catch them, running headlong toward the cliff. Galloping faster than my heart, even as my heart is running unbridled.
Fears runamuck – to borrow a phrase.
I turn to family and a few close friends. But I can’t get anyone. It’s ok. They have their lives. This is my thing. I get it.
But the fear just grows, breathing gets harder, every muscle in my body tightens like the riggings of schooner tossed on the waves.
I can’t do this!
I’m going to fail – again – and everyone will see it.
Then comes today’s love.
Love involves risk…
a chance of personal loss, and failure.
It does not always play it safe.
Day number one. Fail number one.
Then the love begins to penetrate.
I need a Shepherd.
Sheep are cute, but really, really dumb. They wander off, get caught in thickets, or drown in streams. They never go where they’re supposed to. They are in constant need of a nippy dog, or a rod, or a staff – and a shepherd. Where’s mine?
He’s in the quiet and still fragment of my frenzy.
He’s in the one part of me that’s not in utter panic.
The part that right now is about the size of fruit fly, a baby fruit fly.
It’s the part that wants to run away, but still wants to run straight to Him.
I slump against the kitchen counter, in the dark. I can’t move. But the tears can. They begin their journey down my left cheek first. Then I blink to hold them back. And down one goes along the right cheek.
It’s how rivers get started.
One teary eye has a little too much salt or something and begins to sting. I can’t open my eye because it stings worse then.
Seems I can’t even have a break down properly.
And I hear, as quiet as a sheet on the clothing line, rippling in a soft breeze.
The tiny spot inside grows.
“Always on the brink. You may fall, but I’ve never let you stay down, have I?”
“No. But you do take your dear sweet time picking me up sometimes.”
Thinking I have to score a point in this debate – win a point against God.
“Ok then, what to do with this fear…God?”
(said with all the wrong tone of voice – and you know – that too much pause before actually saying a name)
Always with the cryptic. I stand there, judging God.
(cue lightning bolt)
And me, with these free flowing tears – all the better for conducting electricity.
I’m always successful at the wrong things.
“It’s a stupid risk.”
“Love involves risk.”
He quotes my words.
So what does God know about risk? He risked his life. But he knew the future before he stepped foot on this planet as our human God? So I ask where’s the risk in that?
“I risked losing.”
“I could have lost you.”
“I know, I heard the first time.”
God is perfect, doesn’t need anything, doesn’t need us.
But he loves us.
He is all powerful but he can still get his heart broken.
I’ve broken it before.
For future reference, the plan is to go one love per day. But this one caught me by surprise. So please come back for part two tomorrow…
Oh, and typing these words – that’s like frolicking in the snow. Figuring out how to make this site do what I want? That will be the death of me. The. Death. Of. Me. (so if there are any WordPress gurus out there…)
Oh, one more thing…see down there at the bottom? That’s the comment box. Isn’t it cute? Don’t let it feel unable, unusable, and unworthy, like I did, and still do a little bit. Comment boxes need love too.