Love has a tiny little division called … “romance”

by Craig on October 10, 2011

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you know…like that…

Romance is a tiny little division of God’s love.
And I don’t write much about it because we make it out to be too big a division.
But romance is love – no doubt.

And so…

I met a full of awesome woman.
Sweet, an obviously good heart…
devoted and fiercely loving mom of two…
not married (yay  ƪ(◠‿◠)╯)…
and Christian – above all – Christian.

Have a mentioned before how I so very much heart women?
And how the love of a mom is the closest thing on this planet to the love of God?

And how I long for a woman to cherish?

I have mentioned that right?

And Julie (not her real name) was awfully nice…
and I knew from the first word…
there was that little bit of magic…

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that little something that says…
our hearts know something, they know.

You know?

The last time this happened was when I returned from Blissdom in January. Chase (not her real name either) was charming, bewitching, spellbinding – and we clicked. She was a mom too…

there really is something that happens to a woman when she becomes a mom.

Oh, and she was also not married – Yay…

and a wounded, but obviously steadfast and strong heart.
I get wounded but obviously steadfast hearts.
I have one of those.

She was spiritually inquisitive, but not Christian.

Christian is like dark chocolate – milk chocolate can be creamy and sweet, but dark chocolate has more depth, it reaches deeper into your soul, it fills parts of you that milk chocolate can’t – know what I mean?

A Christian other half? That’s dark chocolate.

Chase (not her real name) was almost dark chocolate – but wasn’t.

And I really need dark chocolate. You know?

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And there is something different with me now. I have a heart that no longer plays the game of looking attentive – but actually pays attention. It’s always longed for connection – but now it connects in real and powerful ways, it listens, it hearts listening. If you’ve been reading me you know how deeply it feels another heart now.

You know what I hate?

I hate when hearts are ready and willing – but timing and circumstances don’t play nice.

And you know else what I hate?

How an open heart, one that feels as deeply as this one I have right now – how everything is felt deeper – even loneliness. I think I hate that. A heart that is closed actually likes a little separation, a little lonely – but one that is connecting and entering into the hearts of others – it seems to seek connection and isn’t a big fan of lonely.

Does that make sense?

And you know what else I hate?

I hate lonely.

Gosh I’m being sappy.

But you know what I don’t hate?

I don’t hate sappy.

So, I think one more day of sappy…

enchanted, dewy eyed, sentimental, quixotic, drippy dark choclate-y sappy-ness…

let me know if it’s too much dark chocolat-y drippiness – ok?

I think there’s a little more to this…

please come back.

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Victoria October 10, 2011 at 11:04 am

looking forward to hearing more. I hope you don’t mind a word of advice…just one word.
S L O W. :)

If you are anything like your posts (and you seem real enough to me) then I would imagine it would be easy for a woman to fall in love with you. Besides…you are a cat lover. :) Naturally, the biggest draw for a fellow Christian woman, would be a Christian man. Dark chocolate? Oh yeah. Bring it on.
I pray God’s blessings on you and should it be His will, I pray His blessings on your romance.

p.s. what does loneliness feel like?

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Craig October 10, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Victoria, “slow.” Won’t be a problem. And what you get in these posts is the most real me that anyone has ever gotten – it’s pretty much right. On. Target. And I say this with humility – I have lots to offer – but one thing – and even for Christian women it is extremely high on their priority list – and that – is money. Maybe since I have so many women readers, I should ask you guys about this. But it seems to me, right now, with very little money, and because of the insomnia, very little ability to make money – except maybe through words – well – I wish that weren’t number one priority – but for most women – even the Christian ones – it is. Tell me if I’m wrong. And what does loneliness feel like? I picked the picture with the bear for a reason – just take a look at it and soak in the feelings.That’s lonely – we all like to be reflected – alone – there is no reflection – I know there’s God – but he doesn’t hug. God bless you, Victoria

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Cora October 10, 2011 at 2:27 pm

The $ thing!!!! Can I comment here???? There will be other views coming from different age groups, experiences, etc. I’m on the “sunset” side of life. There was a time when money and income were of prime concern, as were the opinions of my peers and what THEY thought. First question from family is always, “What does he do and how much does he make?” First off, EVERYONE worries to some degree about their future and their finances. We all want the creature comforts of life, let’s face up to that. But when all is said and done, if you made a graph type chart of my levels of happiness and contentment in life, it does NOT follow true with the amount of money I had at the same times. I am where you are now, Craig. I lost everything, lost my business, went through illness, am single, and have a meager income. For me? It has been so freeing to no longer have the bills, the “keep up with the Jones”, etc. I am content, even happy, and wish I could go back and get a do-over. So for me at this stage of my life, $ is NOT a priority at all. If a relationship is ordained by HIM, it will all work out, no matter who has what. Besides, what more could a woman want besides a cat, dark chocolate, sticky notes on the wall, and someone who stays up all night?

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Craig October 10, 2011 at 2:30 pm

well – I can’t help but smile at that last sentence can I? God bless you Cora.

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Victoria October 10, 2011 at 11:09 pm

oh no, no, no, no, no. God does indeed hug. I’ve felt His embrace and I know it was Him.

about the money…yes and no. It seems a natural thing for a woman to feel she can be taken care of, but that being said, fact is, money is relative. what most women desire is a man who speaks to her heart and the depth of her soul, intimately. Many a poor woman has been happier than many a rich woman. If a person is truly a Christian then they can be content no matter the amount of money and if not, well even plenty will not be enough. And I like what Cora said. Not having a lot of money can be so freeing.

Do you have any idea why you suffer from insomnia?

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 6:29 am

first, I keep saying that I’m going to do this – but I really do need to explain the whole sleep thing. If I haven’t done so by this time next week – would you do me a favor – and remind me. It needs to get done. It’s been 15 years – and defines much of my life. It’s a big thing. I should share it. And I’ve already addressed the hug thing in my last post – yes – God does hug! And about what women want – I think maybe what you say is what a woman really wants – but it’s not what she goes after. Do you know what I mean? In short, by the way, the insomnia – part of it is sleep apnea – but that’s “cured” by a CPAP machine. The other part – nobody knows – just something in my brain – and it’s not stress related – or diet related – or any other related that anyone has been able to find – just something in my brain that prevents me from staying asleep. Anyway – thank you, Victoria – and God bless and keep you.

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Nacole@sixinthesticks October 11, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Craig,

can i reply to this also–if you dont mind? (i was literally laughing out loud at her comment! I just love Cora!) and seriously, what more could a woman want? i started to tell you the other day, …when you said you were lonely…i had the thought that i felt that couldn’t last very long, with all the connecting you are doing, and how your heart is growing…surely a relationship that is from God will come from that. but i thought better of giving my meddling encouragement until now you have brought it up. i want you to know that, yes, it is important to women to feel secure and taken care of. but here is the really important thing i want you to know: all women are not like that–money being the top priority, i mean.–you just have to find the right one. :)

a little story if you will indulge…when my husband and i started dating, there was another guy…he was a navy pilot and had a lot going for him…before my husband and i started dating as a couple, i dated this guy. my husband and i, at the time, did things together as friends, and all three of us hung out. but the friendship between my husband and i moved slowly because he had been married before–it took him some time to make his move. during this time, i began to see that i just wasn’t compatible/in love with this other guy…sure, he had money, he was responsible, great career ahead of him, could provide me with a nice life and travel, was a Christian, but when we were together, we had nothing to really talk about…silence…tension. when my husband and i were together, we did nothing but talk, laugh giddy, sing to the radio, sparks flew and we argued quite a bit too…a match made in Heaven as they say.

my husband didnt have anything besides a small truck and a job that really didnt pay well, –and just a few clothes on his back. but he worked hard and i admired his quiet strength. and i. chose. love. all the other stuff just didnt matter to me. and i am so thankful for the simple life that we have–and he works hard and does well for us– it has made me the person that i am–God has used it to weed out the sin and vanity in my heart. so i guess the moral of the story is, that you are looking for a partner (arent we all) who desires love and not money–and she is out there :). prayers for you on this journey, my dear friend! so happy for you!

i loved this post by way–dark chocolat-y drippiness and all! and this comment has been long enough! sorry!

Nacole

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:26 am

I haven’t really been looking for the “right one” not for a decade. Not since this insomnia really got a hold of me – feeling like damaged goods and all. And I’m not sure that now is really the time for me to be looking either. And I really don’t think the inter-webs is going to supply what you would have me look for anyway – almost every single one of the people who read me is a married, Christian mom. It’s the hearts of the married, Christian moms that is causing my heart to grow. Women are women – but Christian moms – miracles with feet – and lip gloss – but who knows – people know people ツ and – by the way – I heart your love story – really do! And who knows if there is a “she” out there for me – there may not be – God’s will above my will – always God’s will above my will – with that comes peace – without that comes grumbly. Thankfully, for the most part, I choose peace. And there has to be dark chocolate – and I heart drippiness. And no comment with the quality of your comments can ever be too long. God bless you my friend.

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Nacole@sixinthesticks October 12, 2011 at 11:34 am

oh, ok…yes, i agree, God’s will over our will. i dont want you to get grumbly and stop writing…i need your stories too much for that to happen! :) we all do, i think. just, as your friend, my heart goes out to you and i want you to be happy and to see you not lonely anymore–is it ok for me to say that? when you typed down that verse…it is not good for man to be alone…my heart just sank into my stomach. sorry if i got a little carried away. us married women are bad about that–we are so happy that we want to spread the happiness around. still praying for you. at the end of it all, as you said, it is God who does the work, not us, only He knows what He has written in the book of our life.

it is a testament to your character and a testimony of God’s great grace in your life that you choose to be content and joy-filled in Him alone!!! for this, i am so grateful and this is encouraging!!!!! and Craig, i dont believe you are damaged goods. you cant convince me of that. besides, we are ALL damaged goods, filthy rags, saved only by grace through faith and that not of ourselves, lest any man should boast!! us mamas may *seem* perfect to you, but we are just harlots, seeking our own gods that God has swept up out of the mire into His mighty hand and called His daughters and made us princesses in His kingdom! to Him be all the glory!!!

“miracles with feet–and lip gloss–” i heart that!!! and i get what you mean about what women go after–and im sorry for the pain that has caused–and i know *people*–us married women always do 😉

blessings dear friend!

Nacole

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Nacole, it is so, so, so, so OKAY for you to rush to the defense of my feelings as you have. It’s what a real friend would do. And I really, really, really appreciate it. And all of that was written with a big smile on my face. I would heart normal sleep – but God’s will above mine. I would heart of pride to cherish – but God’s will above mine. I wuld love to have a few published titles under my belt – instead of a volume of rejection letters – but God’s will above mine. The more I want his will the more piece I have. But yes, a bride to share my life with – the romantic part of me, the dark chocolate-y drippy part of me – it still melts with that idea. so, the romantic part of me wants a bride – and wants her now. The realistic side of me still sees the unlikely-ness of that. The faith side of me says God’s will. We’ll see where those points converge. I heart your friendship a Nacole. God bless you!

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Cora October 10, 2011 at 11:34 am

I just loved this post. Nothing better than an honest man and one who is willing to express that honesty openly . . . in all its vulnerablility and reality. Most of the time, it’s the woman who saps all over the place and the man looks like the guard at the gate of the palace in England.

I’m with Victoria here. Dark chocolate, cat lover, mom lover, Christian, etc., etc. ALL good stuff.

I couldn’t help but think of Larry Crabb’s book, “Inside Out.” It’s all about taking the risk of being honest, open, and real and setting aside the acting and playing games. It was amazing to be in a group and practice this — we had to answer questions about ourselves and be gut-wrenching honest. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but it was the beginning of tearing down the walls.

I hate lonely, too. I used to think of it as a curse, but now embrace it as a gift. Out of loneliness comes so much of Him. Victoria asked what loneliness feels like: for me, I would have to say that it feels like I lost my heart somewhere and I can’t find it — that if I could just reconnect with my heart, go to wherever it is, then I would not be lonely anymore. Most people think of loneliness as just a vague emotion, something you can bury or put on the back burner. For me, I can feel it physically in my gut. Just as you “feel” hunger, I “feel” lonely. And it’s not just being alone. I can be alone and not be lonely. And I can be in a group of people who I know and like and be lonely. Go figure!!!!!

Craig, I can’t wait to read more! And thank you for being open, honest, connecting, and everything else that you are!

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Craig October 10, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Cora, you are right – it is an actual physical feeling – you can feel it “in your gut.” And alone – that can be good. “Lone” is a choice – and that could be good. Lonely – that’s hardly ever good. Maybe something else to write a series about – but I have to finish the one on the voices first – don’t I? And you’ll have to refer to my answer to Victoria – in the comment above yours – because I don’t feel like typing it all again – but yes – I feel very good about all I have the offer – except for one thing – and it has a symbol to go with it, $. God bless you Cora.

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thefisherlady October 10, 2011 at 11:56 am

Oh, I love dark chocolate too… so happy for you Craig! Praying days of lasting blessing for you both as you both live in Him who longs to give us good gifts! Savour the chocolate, no gobbling!

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Craig October 10, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Susan, you might have missed something in the reading, the feeling of romance is there, the timing, the circumstances, will not allow for the romance. So, if I were speaking of a blooming romance – I’d thank you – and hope for the best as well. This one though, I think is going nowhere. But I’m smiling as I type that – so I must be at least a little bit okay about it. God bless you Susan.

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thefisherlady October 10, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Craig, I’m only being hopeful and believing for your heart’s desire… God love’s to give His children good gifts…
Blessing my friend; I enjoyed your post

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Dawn October 10, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Dear Craig,

This was me, when you wrote

Chase (not her real name) was almost dark chocolate – but wasn’t.

And I really need dark chocolate. You know?

I met Russ and he said he was Christian and so I started dating him. He was a Christian Scientist. I didn’t know what that was, but as I grew to know Russ and his beliefs, I knew he wasn’t Christian. I told him in so many words, “I really need dark chocolate. You know?” He didn’t know and so I told him to go.

I DO REALLY GET THIS! I can’t wait to read more.

Dawn

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Craig October 10, 2011 at 1:47 pm

we really do need dark chocolate Dawn. And guess what? I actually dated a Pagan once – yes – a real, honest to goodness, goddess worshiping, animal sacrificing Pagan. That’s an interesting story. I should maybe tell it here sometime. Interesting…

God bless you Dawn.

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Kris October 10, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Oh my goodness, how happy am I that I made it over here before bed tonight! Craig, I pray that all of your dark chocolate, cat-loving, poor as a church mouse, christian mom-to-wife dreams do come true. If *she* is the one, she will know better than to let money stand in the way of something real and founded on Christ… This was a seriously gooey, sweet post, but you know women, we tend to love chocolate, particularly the darker, more rich (Not in dolla-bills, yo ;), full flavored variety… Blessings, brother!

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:33 am

*snort* “dark chocolate, cat-loving, poor as a church mouse, christian mom-to-wife dreams do come true.” all smiles here reading that summary. And trust me – this post would never have been written and posted if I were blogging in any other community. Know thy audience –huh? anyway, thank you, Kris, and, by the way, I really want my little group of bloggy friends to meet and hug each other at Relevant – as jealous as I am – I really think it’ll make me happy to know that you guys are bonding. So I expect to hear about a lot of “hugging necks.”! God bless you my sister.

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Layla Payton October 10, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Craig, you will have to excuse me, I am too busy *DaNcInG* right now.

😀

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:34 am

Dancing? You’ll have to explain that one to me. My friend. This didn’t seem like a dance-y sort of post. I’ll wait for your further explanation ツ

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Katie October 10, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Love finds a way no matter the circumstances or money or job or insomnia…. I am happy for you and look forward to hearing more.

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Craig October 12, 2011 at 5:38 am

I am so focused right now on these blogs – and this season – and following a dream – and reading you guys – and writing for you – that there is little time to really do any looking anyway. And the person who prompted this post – I really think that circumstances and time will not line up. And I think I’m okay with that. Should I ever start looking again – I’m sure there will be plenty of dark chocolaty drippiness to munch on. I’m a big fan of romance – I heart that tiny little division of love. God bless you Katie!

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Michelle October 11, 2011 at 5:08 am

Timing ….. Circumstances …….

Just once, I’d like to see time as God does. Just once…….

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Craig October 11, 2011 at 5:32 am

oh how he does hold those cards close to the vest. No? But if we could see things as he sees them – everything would be different – one day…. one day…

God bless you Michelle!!

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Mari October 17, 2011 at 10:11 pm

(Ive arrived late to these posts but kinda glad I did so now I can read ’em all together!) That tiny division sure gets a lot of attention though. And yes, lonely is hard. I hate it too. For some reason no one ever wants to admit they are lonely, regardless of their marital status (or maybe it’s just me?)

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Craig October 18, 2011 at 11:45 am

the tiny little division gets ALL the attention. And you’re right – nobody ever admits that their lonely – those darned masks we wear – and I have learned – from others – and have already guessed it – that you can be very, very lonely in a marriage. God bless you Mari – I’m sorry my little series was so – little. But one can only post so much drippy chocolate-ish goodness ツ

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