Love finds its place … in unexpected places (pt4)

by Craig on October 28, 2011

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I heart blogging here…and these two blogs that I heart… almost ended the week they began.

I wasn’t going to write of this today. I wasn’t going to ever mention it at all.

But this is on my heart – sitting like a ten story building balanced on an eggshell. And I promised no masks – just my heart unfiltered, and open, and real – and I stay true to my word.

And I simply…

have to…

write…

of this.

I’m reminded today that my presence in this community of Christian “mommy bloggers”…
where I bask in the glow of the best kind of love and wisdom and heart and soul…
where so many of you have accepted me despite…
never being a parent, never being married, never being successful, never being a girl…
some still…and maybe always will…see me as an interloper…
every bit a predator, every bit a wolf, every bit a threat.

And I can’t tell you how very, very sad that makes me.

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And I can’t begin to explain how unwanted and hurt it can so often feel.

I’ve spent a week here absolutely gushing about why I blog in this community.
And one of the things I heart best about the heart of a mom is how protective it is.
And if in the metaphor, I’m not a lamb – but a wolf – I understand a little.
It’s that protective nature. How can I not admire that – even though it hurts?

Only just a few know of this…
you know who you are – I’ll keep your names to myself.
You see, I also have a very strong protective streak…
just ask my sister, she knows how ridiculously gentle this heart of mine is…
and knows better than anyone how fiercely I will protect those in my care.

In my very first week of blogging in this community…
bursting with wonder and awe of the precious nature of it…
I crossed lines I didn’t know existed…
and my clumsy wolf paws stepped on the toes of a few. very.  influential. lambs…
and I’ll keep their names to myself as well.
The experience tugged violent hard on my most fragile heartstrings…
and I felt every bit the predator…
and was reduced…

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and doubts, even of my nature, even of who I was…
even of my heart – even of my intent…
paralyzed me and struck me to my core.

If you have read me these 11 months that I’ve blogged…
or even only a month – I think you know my heart and intent.

But this confrontation at the very start…
it obliterated the most sensitive parts of me.

Because of it I stopped blogging in that first week and came within a whisper of never. starting. again.

And for the rest of this I need the Bible…

For the rest of this I need the Bible to speak…

and I happen to have a blog for purposes such as these…

please join me over at Deep into Scripture as I work through this whole lamb and wolf thing…

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Layla Payton October 28, 2011 at 7:39 pm

This momma sheep is feeling pretty protective of the so called “wolf” right now.

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Craig October 29, 2011 at 6:34 am

funny, I read the comment on the other blog before this one – and I called you a “mama lamb” – great minds… ツ and thank you – it’s nice to have someone feel protective for me ツ and I know how protective a mama lamb can be. God bless you, Layla.

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A. October 29, 2011 at 1:00 am

Yes, Layla. Craig, I am SOOOOO glad you did not give up! I am so glad. I do understand, though, the pain of rejection, and can understand the wanting to give up, the wanting to not risk being vulnerable and open, which you have so courageously done this year. No condemnation from my camp.

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Craig October 29, 2011 at 6:37 am

it was so close – one amazing “rockstar blogger” and a few incredible readers – and they know who they are – without them there would be no blogs by me – and I wouldn’t have grown as I have grown – and I’d still be unconnected. I think I’ll go ahead and call that a little miracle. And what happened at the beginning – it was more than just rejection – it was deeper. And I know there’s no condemnation from your camp – YOU are one of my heroes. God bless you A!

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Eva October 30, 2011 at 1:48 am

Thank you for visiting my photo-challenge post. We were to capture what is manly. I think I captured my feelings of what is manly quite well :-) others think of it very differently ,,,
Your comment, knowing you visited, made me happy :-)
And about what you write here ,,, My heart gets in to my reading and I want to tell you that you make me hopefull of mankind :-)
Herrens välsignelse!

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Craig October 30, 2011 at 5:06 am

I think back to your pictures now, Eva, and I see what you were doing – and you did capture it. and even, thank you for your kind words. And is it better Swedish to say Herrens välsignelse! than gud välsigna du?

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Eva October 30, 2011 at 5:42 am

You can say “Gud välsigne dig” or “Herren välsigne dig”, DIG being you .
But u know, I think any way is good just because of we mean :-)
Herrens välsignelse! The Lords blessing!

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Michelle October 30, 2011 at 5:55 am

“I crossed lines I didn’t know existed…
and my clumsy wolf paws stepped on the toes of a few. very. influential. lambs…”

This took me back to school, and work, and other places. Especially where there are influential lambs…..

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Craig October 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Michelle, oh those influential lambs. What’s worse – the influential lambs were the ones who brought me into this community – inspired me. That’s what made it worse. Anyway – too much information already – I said I would not name names. It’s about forgiveness and adjusting – not naming names. God bless you Michelle.

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Victoria Jenkins October 31, 2011 at 11:37 am

Wait! You mean people had a problem with you being here? Get out! NO! I mean, don’t get out, lol, I mean what the heck?! Anywayzzz, I’m happy to read you wherever you are. How’s Laska?

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Craig October 31, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Yes – and it was almost enough – it really was – it was almost enough to make me stop. It made me question everything – made me question myself. I almost wasn’t here. But I’m here now – and obviously I’m not going anywhere – I heart this place – and if there was a little trial by fire – and maybe even a little more to come – that’s okay. People like you make it okay. And Laska? He’s fine – he’s getting so muscular from all the tree climbing – I mean, the cat’s rock solid muscles on his shoulders and his legs – he’s not the skinny little kitten he used to be – he’s like a cougar now. And he’s got a post coming soon about his walk in the rain. God bless you, Victoria.

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