Love and disappearing…

by Craig on June 9, 2012

I have disappeared this week.

I had no choice.

It happens once, maybe twice a year.

I fight through it.

This time it won.

I just slept for 90 minutes.

Before that was 15o ir something hours without sleep.

Some of my mind is back as I write this…only some.

And I remember every slip down the dark tunnel of disappear ,…..every.one.

With no sleep you lose control – but you don’t lose a memory of it.

I wish I could.

I’m sorry I’ve been gone.

If I get a little more sleep today…If my body lets me stay asleep…just a little while,,,just a little while,,,it has no problem letting me fall asleep…but stay asleep more than 1o minutes at a time…I’ll tell you more…i miss writing for you…i miss you guys…I miss having a brain that can write…I remember every hallucination, every nightmare I had with my eyes open, every shadowy figure in the room, every heartbreaking memory played out in front of my eyes – and I know – none of it was real…

I fought as hard as I could..

.I’ll tell you more…if I just get.some.sleeptoday…some

miss u guys

my last post explains a little – I’ll link.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Katie June 9, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Craig,

DO NOT worry about writing for us…….. even though I do miss you. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. LOVE understands, that you need to LOVE yourself AS you love your neighbor, so take care. Praying for you.

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Debra June 10, 2012 at 12:17 am

“Loving God. You guard and protect all Your beloved children. Be with Craig now as he tries to sleep. May he feel safe, secure, and sleepy as he imagines himself resting in Your arms. Guide him into rest, that he may begin tomorrow afresh, to the glory of Your name. Amen.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_qL6FNwEsY&feature=related

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Craig June 25, 2012 at 11:27 am

Debra, first of all, I’m sorry for replying to your comment more than a week after you left it. But this journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” to the “here and now”. It’s not an overnight trip. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. Continuing to blog has been a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again and I’ll be visiting you. One step at a time. And Debra, thank you for your prayers – I was sustained by Claire – I still am. So. Thank you, thank you, and God bless and keep you.

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Michelle June 10, 2012 at 1:05 am

Lord, bring your Peace, your Love, your Refreshing Rest to Craig. And may he feel no guilt as he sleeps.

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Biscuit June 10, 2012 at 7:32 am

Pray, most fiercely – pray against each hallucination, and if your body won’t release your tongue to speak then let your soul cry out to God. Don’t despair but take hope, that God is doing a new thing – that this, too, shall come to pass.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, friend.

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Craig June 25, 2012 at 11:30 am

Bekky, know it’s a little different to be replying to your comment more than a week later. But this journey back from where I was – to where I need to be – from the “there and nowhere.” to the “here and now”. It’s not an overnight trip. And the “there and nowhere” continues to invade. I know very well that what happened was not real – but it doesn’t make it LESS real in my head. Continuing to sporadically blog was a good first step, talking to people and doctors, another good step, and going back and replying to all these comments – that’s another step. Soon I’ll be reading blogs I heart again. One step at a time. thank you for your prayers – I have been sustained by prayer – and about the hallucinations – they are long gone now – but while you’re going through them – your mind doesn’t really think well enough – or at least my mind didn’t – to pray against them. There wasn’t enough of me left to know this. Hopefully I’ll never need your advice again – but if I do – maybe now that I’ve read it – if it ever happens again – I’ll be able to do it. Thank you, really, and again, sorry this is so late, and God bless and keep you.

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Dawn B June 11, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Craig,

I miss you and will be glad when you feel you can rejoin us here. I will drop by now and then to see if you happened by. Thanks for the update so we know how to pray. Let me know if I can do anything to make your time brighter. I would love to do that for you.

Don’t forget to feed the cat!
Dawn

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